I was traveling last week and sat behind two young women on a flight back to Seattle.  As they chatted with each other I couldn’t help but overhear the conversation.  They were discussing another friend who, in their eyes, wasn’t a friend at all because she had dared to date the first girl’s long-time male friend.  To make the storytelling easier, let’s call the two on the plane Suzie and Amber, the third person Kate, and the male-friend David.

So anyway, I gathered from what I heard that Suzie and David had met in kindergarten and throughout elementary school had been best buds with little crushes on each other.   David was actually her first “boyfriend” in the 3rd grade and had stepped up later when she didn’t have a date to the freshman prom in high school. 

Moving the story along, it seems Suzie, Amber, and Kate met at college last year. They threw a party where Kate met David.  He liked her, she liked him.  He asked her out and this is where it goes downhill.  Suzie is now furious that Kate is not adhering to the unwritten rule that you don’t date a friend’s boyfriend, love interest, crush, etc.  And, because Kate has overstepped that boundary in Suzie’s and Amber‘s opinion, they felt the need to trash talk her the entire flight.

For a while the conversation was entertaining and then I wanted to intervene.  I wondered, when it comes to unwritten rules, if there a rule that states what the statute of limitation is regarding how far one can go back to stake a claim.  And, if one is relying on unwritten rules to place expectations on another’s behavior, does she get to amend the rules with her own spin?  It seemed a little unreasonable, to me anyway, that Suzie was demanding Kate stop dating David based on a schoolyard crush and a platonic date that took place years ago.  The discussion made me want to examine the ever-changing expectations we place on others.

I’ve often thought unwritten rules are both necessary for and obstacles to effective relationships.  I suppose they’re a way of placing boundaries around behaviors that keep us from seriously harming one another, but is it also possible these same rules can become perspectives that cause more harm than good?  As I began to deplane I made a mental note to take inventory of my own unwritten rules, determine how many I’ve amended to fit a particular circumstance, and maybe press myself to toss a few in the trash.   However, I’m definitely keeping my new unwritten rule that states you’re not allowed to date your best friend’s boyfriend the day after he breaks up with her but it’s certainly okay for your new sorority sister to date your 3^rd grade crush.  Just sayin’.