When I first started mediating I thought every case would be as unique and different as the individuals coming to me.  However, when it came to divorcing couples it didn’t take long for me to become aware of an obvious pattern I still see today.  Quite often I notice that my clients want to “split” the relationship but they don’t want to “split” the lifestyle.  Of course there are exceptions to every pattern, but for the most part each person approaches the break up insisting that they should be able to continue life as they know it – just without the other person. 

When asked how they’ll fund multiplying  today’s lifestyle by two, responses range from, “Well, he’s just going to have to figure that out,” to “I’m not the one who wants this, so why should I have to change anything” to a whole host of reasons why cutting any line item in the budget is unthinkable and would seriously harm the children.  These answers help me as a mediator understand some of the underlying issues involved, but they don’t answer the funding question and they certainly don’t help the couple see that the math just doesn’t add up. 

Changing your lifestyle is a very real result of changing your relationship status and even though arithmetic is supposed to be pretty cut and dried, discussing the math of divorce is one of the most emotional discussions separating couples will have.  My wish for these clients is that they find a way to see the bigger picture.  Being too close to the forest to see the trees makes people argue over the crockpot, fight for things they don’t even want, and spend tens of thousands of dollars battling over a house that’s in foreclosure.

As a neutral facilitator I try to help individuals see themselves separate and apart from their things.  I encourage them instead to focus on the intangibles they find important like peace of mind and joy.  In the course of the conversation they may come to realize that keeping the DVDs no one listens to anymore doesn’t really give them the satisfaction they seek.  I know it’s hard to let go (quite frankly, I’ve had to do it myself), but letting go of things in exchange for holding on to or getting back to one’s real values is actually trading up.  Besides that, staying stuck in a fight over the portable basketball hoop as a means to hurt the other person rarely works (see previous blog on forgiveness!).

It’s tough finding encouraging and insightful words when a friend comes to you with news that (s)he’s headed for a breakup.  I’ve noticed that most people either want to put down their friend’s soon-to-be ex or talk up the friend’s amazing ability to cope with anything.   How often have you heard, “Well, if anyone can handle this, you can”?  Agh!—talk about pressure to keep it together when everything is falling apart!  If it doesn’t feel good for you to hear things like that, you may want to rethink such a response before offering it up to someone else.

I decided long ago that it’s not my place to make people feel better about sad or disappointing breakups—only they can do that for themselves.   I finally (after way too many years of poor and awkward responses!) came to the conclusion that when my friends and family face conflict, the best thing I can do is listen, ask good questions, and let them process the disappointments, frustrations, and regrets.  I might even say, “Let me know if you’d like me to give you my thoughts” and if they want, I’ll share a few insights.  Otherwise, I zip it and let them talk.

What about you?  How do you respond?