Have you ever noticed that many people want to wait until it feels easy before they do what they might term as ‘the right thing’? I think it’s time we burst that bubble and admit that doing the right thing–like fully addressing a conflict–is rarely easy but the payoffs can be immeasurable. Let this be the week you finally have that needed discussion. Let me know how it goes!

Let’s face it; we often spend more hours with the people at work than we do our family and friends.  Sometimes, if we’re lucky, our best friends are our co-workers, but even in the best of times it’s not unusual to be faced with the guy three cubicles down from you who you’d just as soon clobber than look at again.  Fold in a heightened sense of tension due to uncertain job security these days and even the smallest disagreements can turn into firestorms.  What you do when a conflict at work seems out of control; especially if you don’t have the luxury of delivering a Jerry McGuire-esque speech to the entire office before making your dramatic exit with Renee Zellwegger in tow?  Working it out in a way that calms the situation, improves your working relationship, and satisfies both your needs is ideal, but where do you start? 

First, keep in mind that whenever you’re in conflict with anyone (at work or anywhere else for that matter) both parties are not against each other, they’re just for themselves.  If you can objectively look at the situation and put yourself in the other person’s shoes, you’re more likely to see what it is he wants and find a way to deliver that without diminishing your own needs.  Asking someone you view as an adversary if he’s willing to find a solution that works for both you often ends with a creative and satisfying solution.  Thinking you have to beat him at his own game or publically humiliate him creates a loss for you as much as it does for him.  Being seen as a bully or unnecessarily smashing a coworker might feel good in the moment, but it leaves you with a tarnished reputation and you may never know the extent to which others go out of their way not to recommend you for promotions or raises because of it.  Bad behavior on your part will only put your name at the top of the list for the next round of layoffs.

Second, think beyond what appears to be the issue at hand.  You may have had situations in the past in which you agreed to a resolution only to find that the same problem repeats itself over and over again.  If you’re fighting with a coworker about timely reports, chances are you’re really disagreeing about deeper values such as respect and reputation and the reports are only a demonstration of the values you hold near and dear.  Try having a conversation about what the issue represents for both of you.  You might be surprised to learn that the hoopla isn’t about reports at all but the tone in which you ask for them or that your boss feels you’re disrespecting her authority when you miss a deadline.   Keeping a positive line of communication open will keep the noise and chatter down and that can only be a good thing.

Next, control what you can control.  If things are going crazy and it seems everyone is at each other’s throats, choose the amount of energy you’ll put into it.  Even if the only thing you can control is how you’ll make a graceful exit, put a plan together that has you leaving on good terms when you can afford to make a move.  Change the way you look at the problem and talk about it terms of a learning experience with a hopeful ending.  When asked, saying things like, “It’s not been an easy time, but I’m confident we’ll figure something out” will move others to see the conflict as resolvable.  Heck, they may even see you as a leader, and that’s not a bad thing if a boss has to decide to keep you or a coworker.

Finally, when your expectations don’t fit the situation, even though you’ve tried everything you can imagine to make them fit, change your expectations. Notice that I said change, not lower.  It may be possible that your expectations are what are causing your frustration and the conflict to continue.  I’m not talking job performance issues here, but rather personal preferences for how another person behaves. Your frustrations will decrease if you can stop holding others to standards they don’t know they’re being measured against. Give yourself permission to get a new yardstick and laugh all the way to the bank; or at least every day that you earn a paycheck.

I love conflict!  “What?” you say.  How could I possibly love something that brings nothing but trouble and stress?  In response to my statement, you may first point out that I sound like a crazy person and then remind me that conflict breaks families apart, fractures work groups, and brings nations to their knees.  And, I would agree with you because, well, all that is true.  However, I would add that it’s not merely conflict in and of itself that results in destruction, but rather it’s unresolved or unproductive conflict that ruins relationships and troubles us all. 

Think about it.  Productive conflict changed U.S. voting rights for the better, has restructured failing companies into thriving entities, and afforded divorcing parents the opportunity to create new holiday traditions for their children in the wake of a sad situation.  A lot of good can come out of productively addressing and resolving issues.  And that’s the type of outlook I hope to share with you in this blog.

Together, we’ll take a look at everything from what one can control in the middle of a conflict to how best to approach a neighbor about that fence line situation that’s been going on way too long.  To get started, I’d like to invite you to send a few questions or comments my way (I promise not to share your name if you’d like to remain anonymous).   Let me know if you’re most interested in hearing about family conflicts or learning how to solve problems in the workplace.   Or, maybe you’d simply like to hear some of the insight I’m learning from my mediation practice or if you’d like me to pull a few tidbits from my book and discuss them in greater depth. 

Whatever the reason for reading and following along, I hope you find the blog helpful and maybe, just maybe, you’ll try something new the next time you find yourself smack dab in the middle of an unproductive, stressful, and troubling conflict.  Embrace the opportunity!