Conflicts of Interest
Everything you ever wanted to know about conflicts at home, at work, or in the neighborhood.
Sometimes the inner conflicts I have can be more troublesome than the outright disagreements or problems I experience with others. The good news is, the older I get the quicker I’m able to resolve my inner conflicts so I can apply that learning to interactions with everyone from complete strangers to family members. This last year has been taught me a great deal in that regard. Here are a few examples.
I don’t have to scale Mt. Everest if I don’t want to. I created a mini bucket list and stuck to it…even if other people thought some of my to-do items were lame. I decided that waiting for that elusive “someday” to roll around is no longer acceptable to me so I did things like watch Casablanca all the way through, planted a butterfly bush, and ate biscuits at Lady & Sons in Savannah.
It’s okay to hide, block, or unfriend people on Facebook. Of course the election played a big part in that realization for a lot of us, but I also became conscious of the fact that I don’t need to provide an audience for the negative Nellies, racist, bigots, or anyone I know who is struggling with addiction or mental illness. Let folks do their thing, wish them well, and move on.
My Dad is smart. My soon-to-be 87 year old father blows me away with his ability to assess behavior and motive in others without getting caught up in the drama or unnecessary details. He’s also a really smart guy when it comes to making room for the rights of others because, according to him, you never know if you’ll end up in a category of person others want to discriminate against. A lot of people his age have become so narrow in their thinking that when Dad shares philosophy like this it makes me think his brain is huge!
Good health trumps little irritants. My partner experienced an out-of-the-blue health scare that put a lot of things in perspective for me. ‘Nuff said.
Actions speak louder than words: An extended family member had a premature baby who tested positive for drugs. Child protective services stepped in and began a search for a relative who would care for the child. Of course I said no—I’m too old and I had a nice little life doing what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it. Why would I say yes?! Long, long story short, my partner and I started from a place of no and ended up realizing we had no good reason not to help this little guy. Baby smiles are a great way to start the day.
Focusing on the positive rather than on the negative isn’t as hard as I thought: See above.
I haven’t seen it done in a while but in the past if a business wanted to draw attention to itself for a big event, it would bring in a huge spotlight that would illuminate the night sky and grab the interest of everyone from miles around. I think that particular visual is a great analogy for what sometimes happens in a conflict. The issue starts out being about one person and ends up with the focus—or the spotlight—on the other. And, surprising, how the spotlight moves its focus from one to the other isn’t always due to the first person trying to blame shift.
We’ve all dealt with people who have plenty of excuses about others. Add in some victim-like speak and you have blame shifting at its best. But that’s not what I’m talking about here. What I am talking about is how the other person responds and how that response can morph them from being the innocent bystander to the one with the gigantic spotlight focused squarely on them. Oops!
When one over-reacts, refuses to talk, goes around/over/behind the chain of command, or flails around like a five-year-old, they run the risk of making themselves the problem and shifting the focus of attention. In the blink of an eye you can go from minding your own business to having the powers that be all up in your business. So, how do you avoid such a thing? Do the opposite of overreacting, refusing to talk, or flailing around. Show concern for any issues (no matter who brings them) and talk the situation through in a way that keeps the spotlight aimed in the other direction. Then, move on in the shadows until the light shines on you for the right reasons (like for your amazing ability to handle conflict!).
I first posted this blog two holiday seasons ago but I think it’s worth repeating. Remember to keep your cool no matter what others are doing and enjoy the season!
Shopping during the holidays can be a real nightmare. Facing parking lots jammed with cars, performing complicated search and rescue efforts to find an available cart, and approaching aisles with your best obstacle course strategies can cause even the most happy-go-lucky holiday shopper to start up a conflict with any stranger who dares cross his path. Delivering an emotionally-charged snarky remark while juggling the sweater you’re buying for Nana doesn’t say much about your ability to spread joy or share in the holiday spirit.
I can’t tell you how to manage every potential conflict you’ll face in the next month or so, but I can pass on a few tips retail workers have shared with me. Of course, I’ve added my own two cents worth on the subject and hope there’s something in here that will help you keep your cool this season.
1) Minimize the material and maximize the experience: What I mean by that is limit the amount of “stuff” you buy and, instead, think about experiences you can share with your family and friends. Throwing a potluck or hosting a game night will deliver a much better experience than being angry with those around you as you wait in line after line after line spending money you don’t have.
2) Shop on-line: Avoid the lines (and the other crabby people!) by hitting up your favorite stores’ websites. Check out promotion sites to find deals on price discounts, free shipping, and the like. Words of caution, though; make sure you’re carving out uninterrupted computer time so you steer clear of fighting with the family when they “just won’t leave you alone.” Also, practice scanning Internet deals quickly to avoid getting to the checkout page only to discover the discount you’re counting on doesn’t apply to the items in your shopping cart.
3) Use parking lots as personal training sessions: Why get worked up when you can work out? Use the back entrance and take the first spot you see. Walk the extra distance to the front door with a smile on your face and daydream about what you’ll do with all the extra time you’ve given yourself by not circling the same aisles over and over. Unless you need to build your demolition derby skills, let the other shoppers duke it out, honk their horns, and yell obscenities.
4) Shop the little guy: I called a warehouse store to ask if they had any tips on avoiding shopper conflicts and the person who answered the phone said, “Don’t shop here.” Good point. If crowds, long lines, and oversized carts bumping into the back of your heels make you mad, shop at smaller stores that offer fewer items to fewer customers.
5) Plan to be patient: No matter what anyone else does, have control over your own emotions and reactions. Prepare yourself to take a “we’re in this together” attitude whenever possible. If the cashier is rude, empathetically ask if she’s having a rough day. She’ll probably appreciate your interest and lighten up for the next guy. Smile at everyone even if—and especially when—they don’t return the gesture.
My local grocery store manager said that for the most part, holiday shoppers and retail employees are a cheerful bunch. His staff actually notices that most of their patrons display quite a bit of holiday spirit even when they’re stressed and tired. He said that the happiest customers are the ones who have paid attention to the ads (which are timed to coincide with shopper habits) and are completing their lists with time to spare. He hinted that the best time to grocery shop is before 11:00 a.m. when most of the staff is in, the departments are fully stocked, and there are fewer customers to contend with. He also said that a shopper shouldn’t wait until late afternoon the day before an event to rush around the store and then get angry with a cashier who’s helping another customer count out change. I don’t know about you, but I think that’s a pretty good piece of advice for any time of the year.
The movie, Argo, recounts events that took place during the Iran hostage crisis in 1980. Since it’s based on a true story I’m not letting the cat out of the bag when I tell you there’s a scene at the Tehran airport in which six Americans, posing as Canadian filmmakers, work their way past armed guards in the hopes of returning home safely. The scene is dramatic; very dramatic. I was on the edge of my seat as the group was questioned, their story verified at the last possible moment, and then again when the plane is chased by zealous militias who have discovered the cover is a ruse. Oh my!!!
A few days after seeing the film I read an article about two of the Americans involved. They said that even though they were horribly nervous and afraid during their ordeal, what actually took place at the airport was nothing as dramatic as what is portrayed in the movie. In fact, the truth is a bit of a yawner.
As I read the article, I realized that the way in which my mediation clients talk about conflict is often more in line with a Hollywood script than it is with the potentially boring truth. It seems to play to the audience better if one uses the phrase “attacked me” rather than “snapped at me.” Or, when I ask someone what they think may be behind a co-worker’s behavior, I almost always get an answer that implies some sort of complicated, sinister plot rather than a thoughtful reply with a less exciting explanation. My daughter and I have an inside joke that whenever one’s story begins with, “There I was, just minding my own business…” you know the description of the evil villain is coming sooner rather than later.
I’m not saying I’m above telling stories with a little Hollywood flair, because, well, I’m not. I’m working hard at being mindful of the picture I paint, though, and I’m getting pretty good at editing my version of what happened. Still, some days I just need to shout, “Cue the crescendo!”
There’s an old saying that actions speak louder than words; and I try to live by that adage most of the time. In reality, though, it can be a pretty lousy way to communicate; especially when I expect others to guess why I’m taking a particular action or when I expect them to take a hint from my silence, .
Sometimes the only way to get a message across is to speak; to use words over actions. If you’re holding back and expecting your actions to speak for you, doesn’t it make sense that the real issues aren’t being discussed? When problems persist I know that’s a sign that it’s time to say what I need to say—everything I need to say.
If you have a lingering problem with someone, chances are you haven’t let it all out. Be mindful, be kind, but have the entire discussion; not just the part where you say only half of what you need to say and expect your actions to make up for the unspoken part. If you’re still unable to resolve the issue, feel free to revert back to letting your actions speak for you…walk away, rise above, and get on with the good stuff.
I haven’t written a blog post in a very long time and decided with the political season in full swing I was itching to say something. But, I admit I was worried about how to share my opinion without offending the other side of the aisle and decided I didn’t have the energy to try. Then, I saw this come across my desk and thought, “Why reinvent the wheel? This is a great way to say what I’ve been thinking.” So, freely admitting I lifted this from www.storypeople.com here’s a little something to think about. They titled the piece, “It’s the Middle Things.”
We’ve had to do a whole lot of thinking about some of the political let’s-be kind-and-call-them-arguments we’ve come across this summer. More than a few times, we scrolled through comments that were all diatribe and provocation until all we could do was snap at our computer screens: Stop it. Stop it!! Stop the insults, the abuse, the viciousness. As you’d expect, nothing happened.
Finally, to our big relief (and kind of surprise), we settled into acceptance. People will do what people will do, even if we think they ought to do something else. Then it occurred to us: maybe this is a kind of gift. Maybe we’re supposed to lose it, go ballistic, be crazy judgmental, vengeful and awful. Maybe we’ve got to see our lesser selves before we get the message – loud, clear and in no uncertain terms. Our lesser selves are lesser in every way.
Our lesser selves are ugly and, as big and monster-like as we feel when we’re letting loose with them, they make us small. Our lesser selves are the parts of us we get to regret. They give us the chance to ask for forgiveness for doing and saying and thinking things that are really crappy. Unfair. Diminishing. The whole experience of being our lesser selves is humbling.
Once we thought that, we forged on (because that’s just how we are) and wondered about our middle selves.
It’s hard, if not impossible, being our best selves all the time. Okay, or most of the time. We have so many things bugging us, so many people clearly asking for our opinion and judgment. Why, after all, do they have to dress like that? Talk that way? Buy that stuff we’d never buy? Go there? Have that haircut? Read those books? Watch those movies? Laugh so loudly? Interrupt so often? Park that way, vote that way, believe that way? Sigh. Yes. There are so many people. And that’s the point. We don’t like believing it, but they’re figuring out stuff, too. All the stuff we’re wrestling with? So are they.
Not everyone, you say drily. There are some real dopes out there and they’re not trying to do good, be good, grow or learn. That might be true. That might be not true (although it probably is). Whichever it is, whatever those other people are doing, has got nothing to do with being our own best selves. (Told you we thought about this, looking for a loophole, wishing pretty hard there was one.)
It’s easy to snuggle into the middle, being our okay, not-too-bad selves. The middle self is the optimal position. The middle self is accepted everywhere.
That’s all the reason we need for staying put, isn’t it? It’s the story most others recognize, that we recognize in others. It’s the story that will get us sympathizers and allies and party invitations. (How many angels are known for their hilarious antics and withering sarcasm, hm?)
Let’s just be honest. Being accepted is one thing. Accepting the world and still imagining with all our heart and mind a brighter, beautiful future is something else.
That’s what we think today. And you?
Everyone knows that employers don’t appreciate disgruntled, whiny employees, right? But does the average person know how the organization does want them to behave? Should one suck up, agree with everything, or leave all the decisions to others? Here are a few thoughts on the subject.
One of the most important skills employers look for is the ability to problem solve. Knowing how to approach a problem—any problem—is a talent management values. If an employee is able to take a personal reaction out of a messy situation and instead define, investigate, and resolve an issue with a level head, their manager will notice and reward them for the approach.
Showing your trustworthiness is always a good idea. Saying what you mean and meaning what you say as well as doing what you’ve said you’re going to do will earn you high marks with management. Under- or over-stating your abilities, the available resources, or the team’s capacity will get you into trouble. Instead, tell it like it is when it comes to making commitments based on skill and resources and your boss will know that she can trust what you say in other areas as well.
Believe it or not, employers actually value opinions. What matters to the boss, though, is in how that opinion is delivered. Pointing out everything that’s wrong without providing solutions (notice there’s an “s” on the end of solution) isn’t what he’s looking for. He wants to see that your opinion considers the bigger picture and demonstrates a desire to make positive changes within the confines of available resources.
And, finally, attitude is everything. Employers have enough to think about without having to deal with sad saps and complainers. Coming in every day with the best of intentions and demonstrating that you’re happy to be there gets you noticed. It’s not unusual for a lesser qualified person to be promoted over a peer with a great resume simply based on attitude. Show that you’re up for any job by smiling, graciously accepting performance critiques, and demonstrating a willingness to learn more about not only the tasks at hand but those beyond your current responsibilities.
Sometimes you just have to admit that what you’re doing is obvious. This is one of those times. Here’s a blatant plug for two new products my partner and I just launched at www.anytimeseminars.com.
The Dirty Dozen: 12 Behaviors that Cause Conflict (and what to do about them). This webinar gets to the point really quickly, so from start-to-finish it’s under an hour. Everything from micromanaging to dishonesty is addressed. You’ll get a little bit of theory and you’ll get a whole lot of practical advice, too!
Employee Conflict Resolution: the Basics. This webinar was created for any individual in any size organization who is interested in understanding, and doing something about, conflict on the job. The entire program takes about an hour so you can get back to work and put what you’ve learned into practice the same day!
Okay, now back to our regularly scheduled program.
Whether it’s a neighbor, a new PTA member, or a coworker, sometimes we just don’t know how to get beyond awkward interactions with certain individuals. It’s not so much that there’s a full-blown conflict at play; rather it’s more of a hinky feeling that things just aren’t right. I’ve certainly had my share of lop-sided connections and uncomfortable exchanges, that’s for sure. The one thing I’ve learned along the way, though, is that if anything is going to change between the two of us, it has to start with me. If you’re ready to get passed the awkward stage with someone, here are a few tips you may want to try.
The most obvious place to start is simply with your general demeanor. Remembering common courtesies like saying good morning and acknowledging everyone you see at the community mailbox can go a long way in how others view you; and whether they’re interested in knowing more about you. Letting others know that you’re open to more than a friendly wave or head nod opens the door for more.
Practice extending common courtesies into open-ended conversation starters. For instance, rather than just saying, “Good morning” or “How was your weekend”, try to elicit a response that goes beyond one or two words. Ask what the highlight of their weekend was and then ask a few questions related to the reply. If time allows, share a brief story of your highlight. It may feel strange at first, but keep in mind that relationships are built on the mundane.
If you find that you have a particularly strained relationship or you got off on the wrong foot with someone, be careful not to talk too much about it with others. Asking another person to take your side or participating in any form of gossip rarely ends well and can create some pretty solid boundary lines that are hard to erase. It will be difficult for you to build a closer relationship with a PTA committee member if he knows you’ve spoken poorly of him to other parents.
If you’re trying to build better relationships on the job (paid or volunteer) look for ways to create cross-departmental work groups. Even if there are no work projects to focus on, there are always opportunities to create task forces on building safety, employee morale, or even the holiday committee. Offer up help without looking too eager wherever and whenever you can.
Last but not least, offer unsolicited, but sincere, bits of praise to others. If you can make people feel good about how you view them, they’re more apt to feel good about you and reciprocate the goodwill.
Santa has mad skills when it comes to deciding who’s naughty or nice, but I’ve been wondering lately how the rest of us determine such things. After listening to loads of people both in and out of conflict situations, I’ve come to the conclusion that what we do is collect lots of information and then funnel the bits into an internal meter. The device considers everything we know (and some things we don’t know) and then the arrow points in one direction or the other. Some of the criteria we consider actually aren’t very nice on our part, but that’s beside the point.
To get the meter to stick clearly on the nice side someone has to do what we want them to do, when we want them to do it, and they can rarely complain about anything. They will stay on the nice end of the spectrum if they make us feel good about ourselves. And, it’s a bonus if they almost always put us first and make personal sacrifices in order for us to get what we want.
On the other end of the meter is the naughty spectrum. It’s easy to say someone “isn’t very nice” if they tell us no, if they don’t go along with our plans, or when they see things from a viewpoint that frustrates us. People are naughty if they make us feel bad when we’re around them. Anyone can accomplish getting our naughty meter to ring loudly if they toss a barb or two our way, point out our flaws (real or imagined), or lie to us. Santa wouldn’t appreciate that kind of behavior and neither does the naughty or nice meter in all of us.
What this all boils down to is that a nice or naughty meter is an internal mechanism that measures how much we trust a person has our back. If you say what you mean and you mean what you say; and then you do what you said you’re going to do, we trust you and think you’re nice. When you take our feelings into consideration each and every time you talk to or about us, even if you’re telling us something you know we won’t like, we still think you’re nice. If you disagree with us without being disagreeable, we trust that you care; we presume that you’re nice.
If we can’t trust you to tell us the truth, or if you appear to be unconcerned about the impact your words or actions have on us, well, then you’re just naughty. Obviously immoral and illegal things are naughty, but on an interpersonal level we often put lesser considerations into our nice or naughty meters. If you overstate your abilities; if you boast, brag, or talk only about yourself, that’s not nice. There doesn’t seem to be an awful lot of middle ground with these things because often anything that’s “not nice” hits squarely on the naughty end of the meter.
Santa’s meter may be much simpler than our nice or naughty meters; we are complicated beings after all and the way in which we measure such things can be as complex and unique as we are. The one thing we do have in common with the jolly old sort, though, is that we often wish we were all nicer more than we are naughty. Let’s work on that.