Conflicts of Interest

I often hear mediation participants say, “There’s just nothing I can do.” And, then they go on to tell me how they’re tossing and turning at night, talking to everyone in nauseating detail about the same old issues, and daydreaming about the demise of their opponent.  I suppose that’s one way to deal with a sense of helplessness in an ongoing conflict but it doesn’t really get them anywhere and only acts to keep them stuck in the muck, so to speak.

If you find yourself doing the same–tossing and turning or boring others to tears with yours woes– keep in mind that you always have the capacity to control at least some aspect of that which you believe you can’t.  If, despite every effort to resolve a conflict you’re just not able to, here are ten things you can control:

1) Your Plan for the Future

Knowing what you want your future to look like helps you look past the current situation and focus beyond your temporary problems. 

2) Your Perspective

Stop and reassess your point of view.  See if you can find a learning opportunity in the situation. Or maybe if you purposefully and mindfully examine what’s going on, you can honestly say, in the scope of things, that the issue isn’t really that important to you.

3) Your Responses

I’m sure you know from experience that you can’t control the other person’s actions, thoughts, or feelings. But the good news is that no matter what he’s doing, you always have the option to control your own responses.  Consider how you want to be seen by others and choose your responses accordingly.

4) Your Investment

Consider that sometimes, in trying to control everything, you lose your ability to control anything! Do you really want to be more emotionally invested than everyone else? If you answer is no (or even a shaky maybe), then reduce your investment in the drama. Spend less time thinking about it, talking about it, and engaging in it.

5) Your Role in the Conflict

As difficult as it is to admit, you probably have some responsibility in the conflict. Ask yourself, “What have I said or done, or not said or done, that has kept this conflict going?”  Change may not happen overnight, and you may need the assistance of friends, family, or professionals to help you through a transition. No need to continue being the bully, the one who stirs the pot, or even the victim. If it takes two to tango and you’re no longer willing to dance, the conflict has no choice but to diminish.

6) Your Expectations

Change your expectations–and change means change, not lower.  Is it possible that your expectations are what are causing your frustration and the conflict to continue? Your frustrations will decrease when you stop holding others to standards they don’t know they’re being measured against. It may be time to get a new yardstick!

7) Your Energy

Unresolved conflict (and unresolved emotions!) can be a black hole for energy. Instead of putting 110 percent of yourself into the conflict, look for a different outlet for your attention and put your energy there.  Cleaning out a closet, putting together a proposal for a creative project at work, or jumping back into the classes at the gym are all great ways to channel energy and emotions.

8) Your Own Story

When I read a good book, I create what I call “the movie in my head.” I’m the casting director, set designer, and director all in one. When it comes to conflict, you essentially do the same by choosing how you depict the scene to yourself and others. Decide how this particular story will play out and how you’ll speak about it. Give an account without elevating or victimizing anyone. When someone asks about specifics, consider an honest but hopeful response such as, “It’s a difficult time right now, but I’m learning a valuable lesson about expectations,” rather than, “Yet again I’m the victim and no one cares.”

9) Your Method for Processing Emotions

Talking with a mentor, family member, friends, clergy, or a therapist can be helpful.  Keeping a journal, writing letters you’ll never send (my personal favorite), partaking in a vigorous workout, or even slinging rocks in the backyard are all productive ways to process emotions.

 10) Your Character

When you say, “He just makes me so (fill in the blank) that I had to (fill in whatever terrible action you took),” you’re giving the other person control over your moral fiber. Don’t give anyone the power to make you behave in a way that is unbecoming, unethical, or dishonorable. Show your best side and not an unbridled series of poor reactions.