#2 Letting Ego Get in the Way

Do you ever feel like a few doorways in the office need to be widened just to let some of the egos squeeze through?  Well, you’re not alone.  Yammering on about one’s greatness and making decisions based on the façade created for others is an interesting behavior because (it seems to me) that the louder one is about personal importance the more others can see just the opposite in them.

If your manager’s ego is so large it’s blocking out the sun, it’s very likely that he’s insecure, looking for respect, or bringing a whole lot of little red wagon issues from his past into the office.  So, how might you deal with him?  Easy: appeal to his ego!  Remember not to take personally his need for attention or think that any attention going to him is attention not going to you.  Instead, find a way to share in the spotlight he works so hard to garner.   Say things like, “I’d like your opinion on…” and “I think you could really help me with…”  Those are phrases that will perk up his ears because they make him feel good about himself and validate not only his position as your superior but showcase areas in which he really can add value.  Obviously, don’t forget to give him credit for things along the way because if he thinks he can get a little recognition from what you do, he’ll do a lot for you.

If you work with someone who isn’t getting the job done because she doesn’t know what she doesn’t know, find ways to make it okay for her to admit she doesn’t have the answers.  Help her out by demonstrating through your own actions that it’s okay to seek more knowledge on the subject or say something like, “I’m not sure either of us knows the answer on this one, so how could we find out.”  If you believe you know what to do, saying, “What’s worked for me in the past is xyz; what do you think about giving that a try?”  Taking an approach that sends the message you’re all in this together and that you don’t know everything either creates the space for her (and everyone around her) to accept help from others.

Singing your own praises can turn off even your closest ally.  Don’t be afraid to acknowledge the things you don’t know.  In fact, in David Marcum and Steven Smith’s book “Egonomics” they suggest we approach our workday with a mantra akin to “I’m brilliant and I’m not.”  I think that makes perfect sense because it’s not asking you to over- or understate your knowledge and experience; it’s simply suggesting that you apply a little humility to what you know and make it okay to talk about the things you don’t.  If someone asks a question and you don’t know the answer, it’s far better to respond with, “Good question, let me investigate that” than it is to make up something that only upsets people when it turns out not to be the case.

Okay, so now I think I should check my ego at the door because that’s about all I know on the subject.

In an effort to demonstrate how a personality clash or warring ego might exhibit itself, I started a list.  So far I have a dozen behaviors that cause problems in the workplace—that could be attributed to the umbrella “personality clash” explanation.  I thought I’d share each of them with you one at a time so we could discuss and maybe refine the list; adding more when needed.  I’ll tell you now that each of them will be brief and won’t cover deep, psychological reasoning or have solutions based on behavioral science studies because 1) that’s not who I am, and 2) I want you to be able to get the message quickly and start to address an issue if it sounds familiar. Here’s the first from my dirty dozen list.

#1 Micromanaging

Ask 10 people the worst attribute in a coworker and most, if not all, will say micromanaging.

If you think you may be the coworker guilty of watching too closing or giving someone the sense that you’re breathing down their neck, try stepping back for a second so you can reassess your approach.  Instead of stressing over every little detail, set clear expectations regarding due dates and other expectations including the amount and quality of the work you’re looking for.

Nitpicking every little detail can make others feel small, so be sure to watch the level of criticism as compared to how much you praise.  Start by saying something like, “The layout works well and so the next step should be to make the message a little tighter,” or “You did a good job of getting all the data in, now let’s figure out a way to make the bottom line more obvious; what are your thoughts.”  Being hypercritical of every little detail puts you at risk for having a reputation as someone who can’t see the bigger picture.  As someone who has a tendency to micromanage, the bottom line message is: if you’re not directly responsible for the quality of someone else’s work, concentrate on your own backyard.

Now, if you’re on the receiving end of someone else’s micromanagement tendencies, start by seeing things from their perspective and consider the real motivation behind the behavior.  Once you get past flippant responses like, “He does that because he wants me to be miserable,” you’ll begin to have a better understanding of what motivates his hovering approach.

For instance, if your boss makes you feel as if she would be just fine pulling up a chair and sharing a desk with you so she can keep an eye on your every move, she may be concerned with her reputation or care deeply about the final product.  Try steering her in the right direction by considering what she does well and then say, “Where you really add value is with presenting the final data.”  Get her focused on areas that have the potential to help you.  Create check-in points at the beginning of a project.  If she’s not crazy about doing that, ask if she’s willing to give it a shot just this once and if she’s still uneasy, ask what would make her feel comfortable with fewer check-ins.

Finally, ask her to share her overall vision or goal and pledge to make decisions based on that goal.  Let her know that you believe an important part of your job is to make her look good and she may be more trusting.

Be ready to be turned down:  You’re resolving to get things right but that doesn’t mean that the other person is going to want to make nice.  Choose language carefully so you can craft a message that fully expresses your desire for the two of you to discuss what’s happened and your willingness to find a solution that works for both of you.  Saying, “I think we should put this behind us” may be what you’re feeling but the other person could interpret that to mean, “Your feelings are unimportant in this and I’ve made a decision to ignore them.”  Not good.  If you get turned down, be sure to let the other person know that you’re leaving the door open for a conversation when she’s ready.

Be ready to admit your part:  Approaching the other person with an admission of what you could have handled better is a great way to deflate a stand-off and create the space for him to do the same.  He will likely be wary of your intentions so make sure you use “I” statements such as, “I felt hurt about the things that were told to Susan” rather than, “You really messed things up when you told Susan those things.”  Be genuine and leave the excuses (you may call them explanations) for later.  Offer a full apology that includes a commitment that you won’t repeat your actions.

Be open to considering the other person’s perspective:  You likely have a lot of points you’d like to make.  Perhaps you’ve even jotted down a few notes or created a list of items you’d like to talk about.  Hold that thought.  Start any conversation with a sincere invitation for the other person to tell you, from her perspective, what happened and how it impacted her.  When she’s talking, consider what she’s sharing (not just listening for an opening so you can jump in) and let her talk as long as she’d like before you ask questions or explore further.

Be clear about what you’d like to see happen:  So, now what?  If you don’t have a master plan to hold hands and walk off into the sunset, at a minimum you might suggest that the two of you can be cordial or have the capacity to be in the same room without making others uncomfortable.  Do a little thinking beforehand about what “putting it behind you” looks like to you and ask if the other person is willing to hear your description.  You may want to get back to being friends but it’s okay to be open to something less than that until trust is rebuilt.  Remember, you’ve had time to consider the full conversation so let the other person get up to speed and don’t try to rush things.

Johnny Chan of the San Diego digital marketing consultancy firm eBoost Consulting, put together a few tips he thinks companies should remember when they’re out to impress and win business.  I think those tips also make sense for anyone who needs to get his point of view considered in a disagreement, so I’m going to share them with you with my interpretations for how they relate to resolving conflicts.

 
Johnny Chan says:

There are three things you need to do in order to produce an excellent pitch:

1. Craft a compelling message
2. Enhance with compelling      visuals
3. Deliver with impact

I say:

There are three things you need to do in order for someone to consider your perspective:

1. Craft a compelling message
2. Enhance with inviting tone and body language
3. Deliver with sincerity

Johnny Chan says about the message:
Children are great storytellers. They’re not only energetic and enthusiastic about what they’re saying, but they focus everything around the listener.

When you’re making a pitch, tell listener-focused stories that engage and spike the interest of your audience. You do this by crafting your message around your intended listener. Start with your point of view or the “thesis” of your presentation, move to the actions your client can take to achieve their goals and then explain the benefits of these actions.

Be compelling and grab your client’s attention with what you have to say. Sprinkling your presentation with anecdotes or opening with a story that will lead into your pitch is a great way to grasp attention.

I say about the message:

Yep, he’s right when he talks about being listener-focused.  Craft a message that will be easy for your listener to hear.  Only talking about your side of a disagreement or pointing out everything the other person has done wrong, isn’t compelling.  People want to do what’s right—especially for themselves—so if you’re only talking about you, you’ve lost half your audience.

Johnny Chan says about the visuals:
Compelling visuals can make your presentation interesting, engaging and memorable.

The most important visual aspect of your presentation are a killer title and opening slides.

These will set the theme (style, tone, color) to make it a cohesive story. Using beautiful and relative visuals will stimulate the listener’s interest throughout the entire presentation.

Along with photos, data can be effective. Data provides concrete and tangible detail to your presentation, and allows for minimal word usage. Remember that your entire presentation should be no more than 25 words.

I say about the visuals:

The way you talk about your point of view can be more impactful than the content.  Having relaxed and open body language from the start (your opening slide, so to speak) can set the tone for a productive conversation.  Unfold your arms, loosen that stiff upper lip, and keep control over your rolling eyes

Johnny Chan says about the delivery:
Delivering a message with impact relies completely on the presenter, and what that presenter does.  The entire delivery of your presentation should include these five things:

1. Story
2. Humor
3. Analogies
4. References
5. Pictures

I say about the delivery:

How your perspective is received relies heavily on the level of sincerity in which it is delivered.  Recap the situation as you see it without placing blame.  If you’re generally good at humor, it’s okay to use it but be sure you’re the target of the humor, not the other person.  Analogies are my best friends—I use them daily!  If you’re having a difficult time explaining the impact an action had on you, it can be very helpful to use an analogy as a way to create common ground.

Johnny Chan’s extra tips

• Use Guy Kawaski’s 10:20:30 style: 10 slides, 20 minutes, 30 size fonts.
• Always supply the client with a document of the proposal along with the presentation. The effects of your stunning presentation will eventually fade and that is when the document comes into play.
• If you get presentation nerves, practice at least 20 times so that you are completely comfortable and familiar with it.

My extra tips:

• Keep it short, simple, and to the point.
• If you’re nervous, practice what you’d like to say with someone you trust so they can give you pointers if you’re veering off course.
• Once you’ve had the discussion, either create a written agreement right then and there or follow up with a note recapping what you believe the plan is moving forward.

Johnny Chan says anyone can do it:

Chan believes that you don’t have to be a natural-born presenter in order to give engaging, compelling and interesting presentations.

I say:

Oh, absolutely, anyone can do this.

1)  Throwing an occasional compliment your boss’s way or being the first to volunteer on a project she cares about can get you what you want down the road.  If you have
your sights set on leading the next big assignment, your enthusiasm for a less than exciting task now is a good way to talk about your commitment later.

2)  People help people they like.  If you’d like to map out a successful career path, who better to help you get there than your boss?  She most likely has the ear of other managers and execs so it makes sense to have her on your side.  Demonstrating that you’ve got her back today shows her how she can have yours when you need it most.

3)  It’s easier to get work done when you’re able to discuss the pros and cons freely–and you can do that when the boss feels good about you.  If you’re only complaining, she may see your critiques as just another string of negativity and treat you like the boy who called wolf.   If she knows that you approach things with balance and include praise with your criticisms, you may spend less time convincing her to try it your way.

A word of caution, though. The art of sucking up should be about you and others.  If you’re not willing to help others along the way and help your boss achieve her goals, then
your self-serving behavior could backfire.  Absolutely do not ostracize others, step on backs, say only negative things about your peers, or push them out of the way.  That behavior isn’t sucking up; it’s just plain sucky.

SEATTLE (AP) — The manager of the Sears store in downtown Seattle says an elderly man has repaid — with interest — cash the man says he stole in the late 1940s.

KING-TV reports that the man hand-delivered an envelope Monday addressed to “Sears manager.” Inside were a note and a $100 bill.  The note said the man stole $20 to $30 from a cash register decades ago and wanted to pay back $100.

Manager Gary Lorentson says he thinks the man’s conscience “has been bothering him for the past 60 years.”

Store security cameras recorded the man, but Sears officials said they don’t know who he is and they won’t release the video.

The store plans to put the money toward helping needy families in the holiday season.

1. You no longer try to convince others to take your side
2. You don’t make little digs about it to the other person
3. It doesn’t cloud your ability to do the right thing
4. There’s no need for you to add it to the pile when something new arises between the two of you
5. Long periods of time go by without you thinking about it
6. You don’t speak of it
7. You can’t quite seem to pull up the same emotions about it as you could before
8. You can clearly see your role in it
9. Speaking about it bores you
10. You see it for what it was – and nothing more

Shopping during the holidays can be a real nightmare.   Facing parking lots jammed with cars, performing complicated search and rescue efforts to find an available cart, and approaching aisles with your best obstacle course strategies can cause even the most happy-go-lucky holiday shopper to start a conflict with any stranger who dares cross his path.  Delivering an emotionally-charged snarky remark while juggling the sweater you’re buying for Nana doesn’t say much about your ability to spread joy or share in the holiday spirit, now does it.  

I can’t tell you how to manage every potential conflict you’ll face during the holidays, but I can pass on a few tips retail workers have shared with me.  Of course, I’ve added my own two cents worth on the subject and hope there’s something in here that will help you keep your cool this season.

1)      Minimize the material and maximize the experience:  What I mean by that is limit the amount of “stuff” you buy and, instead, think about experiences you can share with your family and friends.  Throwing a potluck or hosting a game night will deliver a much better experience than being angry with those around you as you wait in line after line after line spending money you don’t have. 

2)      Shop on-line:  Avoid the lines (and the other crabby people!) by hitting up your favorite stores’ websites.  Check out promotion sites to find deals on price discounts, free shipping, and the like.  Words of caution, though; make sure you’re carving out uninterrupted computer time so you steer clear of fighting with the family when they “just won’t leave you alone.”  Also, practice scanning Internet deals quickly to avoid getting to the checkout page only to discover the discount you’re counting on doesn’t apply to the items in your shopping cart.

3)      Use parking lots as personal training sessions:  Why get worked up when you can work out? Use the back entrance to the lot and take the first spot you see.  Walk the extra distance to the front door with a smile on your face and daydream about what you’ll do with all the extra time you’ve given yourself by not circling the same aisles over and over.  Unless you need to build your demolition derby skills, let the other shoppers honk their horns and yell obscenities. 

4)      Shop the little guy:  I called a warehouse store to ask if they had any tips on avoiding shopper conflicts and the person who answered the phone said, “Don’t shop here.”  Good point.  If crowds, long lines, and oversized carts bumping into the back of your heels make you mad, shop at smaller stores that offer fewer items to fewer customers.

5)      Plan to be patient:  No matter what anyone else does, have control over your own emotions and reactions.  Prepare yourself to take a “we’re in this together” attitude whenever possible.  If the cashier is rude, empathetically ask if she’s having a rough day.  She’ll probably appreciate your interest and lighten up for the next guy.  Smile at everyone even if—and especially when—they don’t return the gesture.

My local grocery store manager said that for the most part, holiday shoppers and retail employees are a cheerful bunch.  His staff actually notices that most of their patrons display quite a bit of holiday spirit even when they’re stressed and tired.  He said that the happiest customers are the ones who have paid attention to the ads (which are timed to coincide with shopper habits) and are completing their lists with time to spare.   He hinted that the best time to grocery shop is before 11:00 a.m. when most of the staff is in, the departments are fully stocked, and there are fewer customers to contend with.  He also said that a shopper shouldn’t wait until late afternoon the day before an event to rush around the store and then get angry with a cashier who’s helping another customer count out change.  I don’t know about you, but I think that’s a pretty good piece of advice for any time of the year.

When did we get so weird about weddings and all their trappings?  Big, blowout bachelorette parties that involve cross country plane tickets, hotels, limos, embroidered sweat pants, umbrella drinks, and financial responsibility for anything the bride orders seem to be the norm.  Whatever happened to a night out with the girls and a few naughty gifts?   Invitations to multiple showers; some themed, some coed, and some out of the area have even the most experienced etiquette masters confused about the rules.  How does one respond to a bridezilla’s supervac sucking up more cash and time than one is willing to invest?  How does one deal with the family members, bridesmaids, and others who get in on the act by switching on their own sucking machines?  Perhaps a few changes on the modern bride’s etiquette website are in order.

I wonder if it would be helpful if a two-part form was submitted with every bridesmaid request so that everyone would know what they were getting into.  On the form could be a few boxes to check like, “I believe I am the center of the universe”, “Only my wedding matters right now,” or “Get ready to spend some cash because I’m in competition with the last friend who got married and everything surrounding my wedding needs to be bigger, better, and more expensive.”  Then, there could be a response form on which a potential bridesmaid could check, “Seriously, I love you but I need to make rent”, or “This will be my third wedding this year and I’m exhausted.” 

Maybe a more realistic approach is in order.   I would suggest the bride and groom make some decisions about financial responsibilities before they ask their friends to participate.  Will they purchase their own dress, tux, shoes, special jewelry, etc.?  What are your expectations for hair and makeup?  What about lodging for the event?  Etc., etc., etc.  Are you asking a friend who is just starting out in her career to pay thousands of dollars to support you on your big day?  Give her a reality check before asking her to write a check.  While you’re at it, don’t forget to think about time considerations.  Asking a friend with small children to spend multiple weekends away from home on your behalf may come across as selfish.

Feel free to keep others under control.  Sometimes it’s not necessarily the bride who goes a little nuts.  A friend of mine recently experienced another bridesmaid wanting to throw an over the top shower for a bride whose family had already hosted one.  I suppose that’s fine, but after her big announcement she then sent each of the bridesmaids a bill for their share of the cost.  When my friend put on her big girl panties and politely told the organizer that she had budgeted only enough time and money for one shower and would not be participating in the second event, the crickets were deafening.

Be sure to keep your flexibility while keeping your eye on the bigger picture.  It’s really fun to get inspiration from all the great bride magazines and wedding websites on the Internet.  It’s also very tempting to add a little of this and a little of that or change your mind about previous decisions.  It’s your day after all!  But keep in mind the impact these little decisions have on others.  Schedule changes, additional work parties to tie ribbons on new place setting markers, or spending just a few more dollars on these pair of shoes instead of those pair of shoes add up.  Keep your friends your friends by considering their needs.  It’ll give you good practice for the marriage to come!

You’ve probably had your share of disruptive and sloppy neighbors who you’d just as soon send to the moon than have to live next door to.  But, without a direct flight to outer space it may feel that you’re left with either ignoring them or living with conflict.  Rest assured, you have more than those two options at your disposal. 

First, attack the problem, not the person.  If his music is shaking the wine glasses from the cabinet, the problem is the music is too loud; not that the neighbor is an imbecile only a mother could love.  When you bring up the subject stick to the issue and refrain from making personal comments.

Keep the matter between the two of you.  Trying to build an army of other neighbors as a way to show force or to get someone else to speak on your behalf may result in your neighbor feeling attacked.  It doesn’t matter if one or a hundred neighbors are sick of his junky yard, speak for you and only you.   You can always include others (like Code enforcers) if repeated attempts don’t resolve the problem.  Oh, and if your kids get along with his, don’t take the adult issues out on them by no longer allowing play dates.

Say it, don’t display it.  A neighbor once told me that someone was repeatedly moving his trash cans into the middle of his driveway two days after the trash was picked up.  He was clueless that the act was a way for the anonymous neighbor to display his frustration with an untidy street.  I knew who was behind the act so I felt comfortable suggesting that it may be due to his trash bins being left at the curb for days.  He responded, “No, I don’t think that’s it.”  Oh, my.  It would have been so much more effective had the trash-can-moving neighbor simply talked to the untidy neighbor.

Remain cordial.  If you’re frustrated with Joe down the street because your conversation didn’t go as planned, continue to wave, smile, and say hello when you see him at the grocery store.  This will keep the door open for future conversations.

Know that your annoyance may be the least of his problems.  The neighbor’s work truck dripping oil in front of the community mailbox may be an important issue for you but don’t be surprised when it’s not the biggest problem he’s facing.  If he tells you he’s dealing with health issues or his marriage is falling apart, etc., figure out a way to resolve the smaller issue without too much trouble on his part.  Showing a little compassion now can go a long way toward building equity for future issues.

I could go on and on with ideas on how to deal with neighbors but I’m going to stop myself here and move to a few actions you can take so you’re not the naughty neighbor others are trying to figure out how to contend with.  Make sure you:

Keep your home, yard, and sidewalk free of debris and unfinished projects.  Sometimes we get so used to looking at something we can’t see it with fresh eyes.  Your neighbors have fresh eyes, so keep things neat and clean.

Minimize noise.  Keep your pets happy and your music down low.  Ask around to make sure no one’s bothered by the early morning lawn mowing or evening ball games with the kids in the cul-de-sac. 

Follow the rules.    The neighborhood covenants are for everyone, not just for your neighbors.  It’s difficult to ask someone to follow rule #3 when you’re disregarding rule #4.  And, don’t forget that the local laws regarding fireworks, parking, pets, outdoor fires, and maintenance apply to you as well. 

And, for all ya’ll (as my Southern friends would say), forgive the occasional exception to the rule.  Give each other fair warning about the annual Christmas party or a garage sale that may cause extra traffic and parking issues for the weekend.  They say good fences make good neighbors, but I think flexible ones are better.

Disappointing relationships often cause good people to do really dreadful things.  And, punishing the wrong person for your disappointment is definitely a dreadful thing.  I see loads of mediation clients who insist on using their children as sticks and carrots when it comes to dealing with their exes.   Problem is, they don’t see that in their attempts to reward and punish the person who hurt them greatly they are greatly hurting their children.  Revenge is not so sweet when it sours your relationship with the kids.  It’s even worse when you think your actions are okay.

Many of my mediation cohorts and I have come to the conclusion that children deserve two parents no matter how stinky you think the other one is.  I’m not a therapist but I’m pretty sure that your kids won’t grow up to thank you for all the times you cancelled a visit as punishment for their other parentwho was 10 minutes late to the meeting spot. Your little ones won’t always be little and when they’re grown they most likely won’t appreciate you for using them as pawns in a poorly-played game of I’m-so-mad-at-you-I-could-spit chess.

Trying to be the mature player in a game like that is really hard, but it’s worth it.  Actions do speak louder than words and demonstrating maturity to your children can be more impactful than pulling out the dictionary to read the definition.  Demonstrating communication, forgiveness, and hope is powerful. 

At the end of the day, what feels fair to you may not be fair for your children.  Of course you want to save your little ones from disappointment and the reality that parents don’t always keep their word.  So, I understand wanting to “take away” something from your ex so that (s)he gets the message that it’s not okay for them to do that to little schmoopie.  Sometimes the conflict that comes your way can be a great teaching tool, though.  Showing children how to compromise, how to discover what’s most important to them, and how to keep their integrity even when others don’t keep theirs are pretty good life lessons–certainly better than lessons like displaced anger, sabotage, and revenge.

I didn’t feel the need to consult anyone about my choice today but the mental process I went through to heat up the good stuff made me wonder why the decision to buck the norm took so much time and seemed, well, a little radical.  I remembered a recent item from the Internet that covered the idea of choices and how our preferences are often influenced by the preferences of others.  We have a multi-cultural society and yet when it comes to what to have for breakfast we often limit ourselves to choices like eggs, cereal, and pastries.  Most people would call that standard breakfast fare.

And, speaking of standard, many of my mediation clients ask me what’s standard or want me to tell them what most people do when faced with choices like the ones they’re about to make.  What’s standard has become an artificial choice for many.  When couples are building parenting plans the standard protocol seems to be that Mom becomes residential parent, the kids see Dad every other weekend and on Wednesday evenings, and then the two adults cannibalize holidays making the kids go back and forth for meals, events, and gifts.   Turns out, this standard arrangement doesn’t really work for a lot of families.

My clients may not know in the beginning that standard isn’t going to work for them, so I suppose it’s as good a place as any to start.  What would be nice, though, is after they’ve tried standard on for a while they could admit to one another that standard doesn’t fit the bill and maturely go back to the drawing board to create something that fits them like a glove.  I’m not sure how to make that way of approaching agreements a standard approach, though.  I’m just having one of my standard early-morning, single-participant brainstorming sessions.  I’ll have to noodle on that for a while.

In my opinion it’s too easy to listen—or at least claim you’re listening.  All you have to do is sit there.  You can think about your last vacation, try to remember the 5^th item on your grocery list, or clutter up your mind with any number of ponderings—all under the guise of listening.  Sometimes the only real effort listening takes is staying in one’s seat and not leaving the room.

Rather than requiring my clients to listen, I’m going to ask each of them to consider what the other has to say.  I believe there’s more than a subtle difference between the two.  I looked to Webster’s to see what the dictionary had to say and though there are a number of definitions for the words that are quite similar, I found these two meanings particularly interesting.

Listen:  to pay attention

Consider:  to look at thoughtfully

Considering allows one to move from idle listener to engaged co-participant.  Listening doesn’t demand much but considering requires a lot.   To consider fully one must mull it over, play “what if”, ask mindful questions, create clarity, and develop ideas that start with the initial proposal but end up somewhere else.  It’s hard to do that if you’re just listening.

A few months ago I had lunch with a good friend who discussed some of the challenges she faces working with volunteers.  After much discussion we came to the conclusion that all workers–paid or volunteer–are motivated by such things as recognition, reputation, and teamwork, but volunteers often place more importance on their unique motivating factors than paid employees do.  If a paid employee isn’t getting the recognition he believes he deserves, he may say, “Well, at least I’m laughing all the way to the bank.”  That fallback position isn’t true for a volunteer and thus his need for getting his values met amplifies, which can cause unwanted conflicts in the group.

Take a look at how to spot and work with common volunteer personalities:

The Fine Upstanding Citizen: Interested in building or keeping a solid reputation he may volunteer for too much because he wants to be seen as someone who can be counted on or he may want to focus on just a few things because he would rather do one thing well than a lot of tasks half-way.   If you need him to do more, or less, appeal to his desire to keep his name in good-standing when making your request.  And, recognizing his contributions with a simple plaque or mention in the newsletter will almost always motivate him to keep up the good work. 

Mr. Fix-It:  New volunteers who want to swoop in and fix everything they perceive is wrong with the current program make the old guard uneasy and run the risk of alienating the very people they need to help them make changes.  There’s nothing wrong with ideas that have the potential to yield higher returns, but there’s a method to helping others hear what one has to say.  If you have an over-enthusiastic recruit spewing ideas left and right, suggest that his ideas be shared by first addressing the group and stating what is working, sharing what the proposed change would yield for both the organization and the other volunteers, and stating how much of the work he’s willing to take on himself.  His ideas will be received better if he speaks to specific changes rather than suggesting everything is wrong.

Keeper of the Flame:  Often known as the traditionalist or old guard, a Keeper may say, “It doesn’t matter whywe do it that way; what matters is that we’ve alwaysdone it that way.”  She may be resistant to change because she values tradition and the status quo (and probably boundaries, too).  Perhaps she feels she and others have put in a lot of work to hone a well-oiled machine and consequently will take any suggestion for change as a personal affront.  Let her know her service and opinions are still appreciated and speak to what her role would be with any changes.  Often breaking down proposals into more palatable steps is easier for a Keeper to accept, so suggest a few changes and get her opinion about where you might start.

Social Butterfly:  Most organizations have folks who are less concerned about program efficiency than they are making sure everyone has a fun experience.  However, meeting timelines or financial goals and building friendships don’t have to be mutually exclusive. You may be better served by utilizing her skills on activities that don’t require timely reports or consistent attendance.  Give her permission to bow out of a task and, of course, be okay with having the occasional good time Charlie in the group because, let’s face it, they’re often the ones we appreciate most when it’s time to host the party and build enthusiasm for an event.  Whoopee!

The Dues Payer:  Often the most pragmatic of volunteers what you see is what you get.  Many organizations require parents or members to make a volunteer commitment as part of the membership or tuition, so it should come as no surprise when you’re working with volunteers who are there because they have to be. For these folks you may be better served to find out what it is they would like to do and let them do it rather than assigning a task they have no interest in.  Let go of the expectation that everyone shares the same level of enthusiasm for the organization that you do.  Have these volunteers do what they do best, thank them for their efforts, and wish them well when they move on.

Resume Builder:  Similar to the Dues Payer, the Resume Builder volunteers for no-nonsense reasons.  Charitable organizations are a great way for the stay-at-home parent or displaced worker to build or expand his resume. A great way to motivate a Resume Builder is to help him create experiences that meet his goals while benefiting the organization.  For example, if the volunteer is interested in leadership opportunities, help him develop his skills with group tasks or specific fundraising assignments. 

My friend and I also came to the conclusion that it’s rare to find a volunteer with just one volunteer personality or motivating factor. You may encounter a Fine Upstanding Citizen who is fulfilling her child’s tuition requirement while simultaneously building her resume or a Mr. Fix-It hoping to be the next Keeper of the Flame.  This may require more investigating on your part, but working to discover what makes a volunteer tick and then managing her accordingly will keep her motivated and minimize conflicts.

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A PROCLAMATION OF THE CITY OF KIRKLAND

Proclaiming August 28 as “Be Kind to Everyone” Day
in Kirkland, Washington

WHEREAS, kindness is commonly defined as a state of being or benevolent deed, and is synonymous with the words: compassion, thoughtfulness, gentleness, and sympathy; and

WHEREAS, anyone who experiences giving or receiving kindness or observes an act of kindness, innately knows the benefits of kindness and is motivated to be kind to others; and

WHEREAS, kindness guided the life of Sasia Regan-Hughes, a Kirkland resident and Lake Washington High School graduate, who showed thoughtful consideration of others, epitomized loving kindness, and looked for the goodness in everyone; and

WHEREAS, Sasia Regan-Hughes lived by her favorite “Words of the Day” – duende which is the power to attract through personal magnetism and charm; and ahimsa, an important tenet of the Hindu and Buddhist doctrine, which means kindness, and to refrain from harm of all living things ; and

WHEREAS, Sasia Regan-Hughes was born on August 28, 1985 and passed away unexpectedly on June 17, 2011 and her family wishes to carry forward her desire that people express kindness toward one another;

NOW, THEREFORE, I, Joan McBride, Mayor of Kirkland, do hereby proclaim, in perpetuity, August 28 as “Be Kind to Everyone” Day in Kirkland, Washington and invite the community to be kind to others through words, actions, deeds, and thoughts; not just on this day, but every day.

Signed this 28th day of August, 2011

______________________ Joan McBride, Mayor

For the past few years I’ve gotten the cold shoulder from someone who has the skills to address disagreements with me but has chosen not to.  Every once in a while I would run into him and be reminded that he’s very angry about something and it would dredge up the fact that even as a mediator there are some things in my personal life I’m just not interested in “fixing.”  Sometimes I would see him and think, “What a jerk,” and sometimes I would feel guilty about not being the bigger person and working to make things right between us.  There was a time when I thought highly of him and truly enjoyed his company.  I considered him a friend.

After our falling-out I gave him the space to speak about it when the time was right for him and didn’t try to rush a conversation.  The weeks turned into months and the months turned into years.  Crickets.  A few weeks ago I attended an event and saw him from across the room.  The usual contradictory thoughts of his character ran through my mind and I decided I was no longer willing to have this situation hanging over my head.  I, too, have skills and it was high time I used them.  So, I approached him.

I found a moment in which no one else was around and sat next to him.  I said I missed him, that I had tried to ignore the good things about him in order to stay away, and then stated that when he was ready, I was willing to talk.  I had no expectation that my approach would make him melt.  And, I was right.  I was vulnerable and as he sat in stony silence, I felt he was taking advantage of that vulnerability to try to make me feel small.   It took a lot of self-talk not to go to the “what a jerk” place in mind.  He finally said he would need more time to which I reiterated that whenever he was ready the door was open and then I walked away.

And, then I saw a flash in the room.  Not a real flash from the overhead fluorescent lights, but the kind of lightening strike that comes when you have a life-changing realization.  I had closure.  I realized that it didn’t really matter to me if we ever talked.  For a second that thought felt very wrong because it didn’t fit my perceived notion of closure.  And, yet, I felt closure stronger than I’d ever felt it before.  I was good, I had clarity, and I considered it “over” for me.

My hope for you, reader, is that you have a similar experience.  Is there a negative situation hanging around you that could find closure without the other person?  Maybe putting your thoughts down in a letter, extending as much of an olive branch as you’re willing, or simply breaking the ice with a quick email wishing them well might help you get there.  It doesn’t have to be a big production.  You don’t have to get the House and the Senate to agree, you just have to open a door and let the fresh air into your own house.

When I mediate I follow a pretty universal process that was developed a long time ago by folks unknown to me.  I appreciate the trial and error it must have taken to get to a point where they felt pretty good about stamping the structure as an effective way to resolve disputes.  These designers had the forethought to leave any nuances to the process to individual mediators which has allowed me to add a few negotiation requirements of my own.  I found one a while ago that can significantly change the direction of any conversation—not just a mediated one.  Namely, say the name.

Real conversations give you the best opportunity for resolution and if things don’t work out at least you know you were real and said what you needed to say as clearly as possible.  Real names help make for real conversations.  “Somebody” isn’t going to have to apologize…you need Dave to say he’s sorry.  “Someone” should know better… actually, that would be Stephanie.  “Some people get their feelings hurt when someone acts like that!”  Would that be everyone in the universe or are you referring to yourself?

Not being willing to say you hurt me or when you do that I get angry only makes a situation worse and makes for some pretty convoluted conversations.   Clearly stating that you believe Joe is the culprit, that you shouldn’t have reacted that way, or that you’re quoting Susan lets a conversation move from two people talking around a problem to two people addressing a problem.

When you talk over someone, serve up cutting remarks with dramatic flair, and try to out shout the other person, do you win?  If you’re really so interested in “winning,” why then behave in a way that doesn’t get you any closer to what you really want?  It might be better to think a little more strategically about when to zip it than to spend time thinking about the next zinger to dish out.   Trust me when I tell you that practicing the art of silence at just the right time could benefit you.  Here are a few good places to start.  

When the other person is very emotional he’s not going to hear what you’re saying, so why not listen.  Any time someone is crying, screaming, turning red, or having difficulty breathing and talking at the same, just be quiet.  Let him get through what it is he’s trying to say and listen for clues to what’s really bothering him.  He may not even know what the real issue is and allowing him the space to sort through the emotion will help him get there faster.  Plus, when emotion is high, reasoning is low.

When the other person is repeating herself she’s trying to tell you something.  As a mediator who is witness to a lot of arguments, I know that this is the easiest clue to overlook but, quite honestly, it’s also the easiest clue to recognize if you’re willing to pay attention.  If you’re talking, you may not hear how many times she’s said the same thing or you may become unnecessarily irritated at the repetition.  Ask more questions about the thing she’s repeating when it’s your turn to talk.

When you truly need to consider what another person is saying, start the work early on.  If you’re supposed to be coming up with ideas to resolve a specific situation, doing all the talking means you’re missing out on 50% of the ideas.  Of course you’re not going to agree with everything he says, but what’s the harm in letting him know you’re considering his proposals.  You never know what’s going to spark your next big idea so why not let the other person provide a little inspiration.  Besides, coming in with only one idea and a fixed position is boring!

As arguments go, there’s a lot of stuff flying back and forth.  Some of it is helpful and some of it is, well, destructive.  If neither of you are willing to practice the art of silence, you won’t get to the important stuff.  If it feels better to ask for an agreement that both of you will have uninterrupted time in which to share your perspective, then ask for that.  It’s a pretty common practice in mediations because it works.  Allowing someone to get it out—all of it out—is a strategic move.  It’s not weak to listen; it’s smart.

Now, for a little warning.  There’s a big difference between practicing the art of silence and being a jerk.  While you listen, throw in a few nods, the occasional “uh huh”, and keep good eye contact.  That’s the art of silence.  If you listen with your arms crossed, refuse to make eye contact, or use dagger eyes to stare down the other person, that’s practicing the art of war.  Big difference.

Over the weekend my friend told me about an entry found in one of Sasia’s journals.   In it she proclaimed that she was going to change her life by being nice to everyone.  What a concept—I should do that!  When I saw my friend today I told him that I had been thinking about “the being nice thing” but that I was struggling with something.  I explained that I have no problem being nice to complete strangers; in fact it’s quite natural for me to smile and strike up a conversation even with uber crabby people.  I’m also pretty good at being nice to family, friends, and individuals I like.  Where I falter is in knowing how to be nice to people who have done something awful or who constantly show their bad side.  Being nice to those people doesn’t feel like “nice” to me; it feels like disingenuous fakery.  Being nice to someone who steals, cheats, lies, and has no remorse for her actions (yes, I do know a few people like that) makes my skin crawl.  How would the victims of those behaviors feel about me being “nice” to their perpetrator?  Wow, I guess I don’t really know how to be nice after all.  I asked my friend if he knew how Sasia handled that dilemma.

Turns out that in her wisdom she accounted for such situations.  According to her dad’s interpretation of Sasia’s-Being-Nice-Rules, one begins by understanding how a person would come to exhibit such behaviors.  That’s good because that approach makes sense to me.  Through my own soul-searching I’ve come to learn that fractured people do hurtful things and even though I believe every action is a choice, sometimes the need to strike out is bigger than the little voice that says not to. 

Then what? The second Rule includes a refusal to strike back or play any nasty games because of the empathy you have for the other person.  Yes, I can and will do that.  And, then, finally, it’s okay to let go of toxic relationships after you’ve applied enough of Rules No. 1 and 2.  What a great set of rules.

So, once again, I’ve been touched by this family.  Without knowing it Sasia reminded me that being nice is a good thing and that we all have the capacity to make the decision to do it.  It should come as no surprise to any of us that a young woman with such a message was found to have a heart twice the size it should have been for her age and physical structure.  No surprise at all.

Rambling.  Going in to have an important conversation about your paycheck should be approached with great care and forethought—not with the attitude that you’ll just wing it once you close the door.  Instead, decide what you’ll say, the order in which you’ll say it, and be succinct.  Bring a few notes, the documentation you’ll need to support any claims you’ll be making, and keep to an agenda.

Making threats.  Blurting out that you’ll walk if you don’t get what you want often comes across as an empty threat and makes you look silly especially if both you and your boss know you’re not going anywhere.   Similarly, trying any sort of blackmail tactic (like saying you’ll let his manager know what an idiot he is) is a great way not only to avoid a raise but to get booted as soon as your boss has the chance.  If you feel you need to provide an ultimatum, present it respectfully and be prepared to follow through.

Talking about personal problems.  Blubbering about collection agencies or the fact that your wife just took the dog, the flat screen TV, and moved out of the country won’t win you any points.  It’s not your manager’s responsibility to put your life back in order.  Use outside resources to fix what’s outside work.  If your work performance merits a raise, your personal finances are irrelevant. 

Asking too early.  If you’re still carrying the new kid on the block moniker, asking for an increase could send the wrong message—and delay any raise that your boss may have been considering for you when the time was right.  Get your feet wet, have accomplishments you can point to, and let your boss know you’re in it for the long-run.  Raises are often based on past performance and future potential.  Make sure you’re covering both.

Assuming that time equals money.  Believing you should get a raise because your warm body made it into work for an extended period of time may not cut it.  Talk about how your experience was applied.  What did you do that someone with less experience may not have been able to accomplish?  Simply saying you’ve “been here longer” may cause your manager to glaze over.

Only talking about what benefits you.  Forgetting to mention what you’re willing to do for your boss, her manager, or the company in general could be a mistake.  How will you grow the business?  What’s the next big idea you’ll tackle?  Asking for a pay increase is a strategic negotiation and only thinking about one side isn’t strategic at all.

Failing to perform.  Some employees think that if they suck up a little during the few weeks prior to a review, the boss will forget or overlook the fact that they’ve made mistakes, presented sloppy work, badmouthed others, had attendance issues, and generally did as little as they could to get by.  Not so.  Your plan for a raise at the next review period should begin as soon as you finish the last one.  Map out what you’ll do and work the plan, keeping track of your achievements along the way.

This particular young woman is working like crazy to start a new business.  She’s venturing into an industry she knows very little about that requires a hefty amount of experience because a large part of what she’ll be doing will be acting as an informational and inspirational resource for others.  She’s a bit of a free spirit and can be a little rough around the edges—particularly with her language.   She’s also pretty headstrong so I was a little hesitant to point out that maybe her public persona could be cleaned up a bit.  I wasn’t sure how receptive she would be to my opinions on presenting a more professional image.  I have, however, been a sounding board for her in the past so having something to say on the subject wouldn’t be completely out of the scope of what’s normal in our relationship.  Still, I was nervous but realized I was no longer willing to ignore uncomfortable facebook posts and group emails that needed a good scrubbing.

So, I pulled up my socks and sent her a private email that began with the acknowledgement that I knew what I was about to say was unsolicited and that the reason I was sending it was because I wanted to share some ideas that may help her with her success.  I suggested that using swear words may alienate potential customers (young or not, cool or not) and her reply to the suggestion didn’t surprise me.  She disagreed with my perspective and said her current clients/followers “loved” her approach.  Okay.   I then replied with the thought that to grow a business one has to appeal to a larger audience than their friends and that my suggestion to clean up her potty mouth may help her with that.  She disagreed with that, too, and that’s when I realized that I had reached the go forward or stop in my tracks moment in the conversation. 

I stopped in my tracks.  I had said what I had to say, she responded, that’s that.  What made it easy for me to stop?  It wasn’t the risk of ruining a family relationship or alienating someone I care deeply about.  Turns out it was the realization that having said what I needed to say (respectfully, of course) put the information out there.  My words were in the air, in her mind, and now had the potential to sink in at some point.  That was enough for me and, I hope, will be enough for her when she’s ready to accept them.

I hear that a lot—about bosses, about spouses, about family, about friends.  I think sometimes people don’t know how they’re coming across to others and that the recipients of hair-trigger responses aren’t always comfortable asking someone to simmer down while the pot’s boiling over.   In the moment certainly isn’t the best time to point out poor reactions but bringing it up later can feel just as uncomfortable for some because they’re fearful of yet another exaggerated reaction.   I’ve written my fair share of articles and blogs about how to bring up tough subjects so for today I think I’ll bypass that approach and instead concentrate on the hothead.

Here goes.  We get that things make you mad and irritate you.  Self-censoring may not be your strong suit and yet we’d like to request that you wait just a second or two between any inner thoughts you’re experiencing and the reactions you show us.  If you could wait and use that time to put those thoughts through some sort of interpretation sieve that would be great.  For example, if a friend’s political facebook post raises the roof on your blood pressure, wait just a second before you type in a nasty comeback.  Ask yourself how you might make your point without throwing everyone else into a tizzy or causing someone to run for the hills. 

Give some thought to your willingness to accept whatever consequence comes your way because of your knee-jerk reactions.  If you’re okay with alienating people, then continue to react poorly and try to make up for it later.  But, if waiting just a second and repositioning your irritation ends up preserving a relationship or keeps you from spending time explaining yourself, might I suggest waiting just a second before speaking is a good thing to try.  Need some examples?  How about these:

You notice the day before it’s due that the report you’ve been working on for months doesn’t include key information a coworker was responsible for.  You think, “Seriously?  Why can’t anything ever go easy around here?!?”  You say, “I see that the information I asked for isn’t in here, do you know where it is?”

Your friend complains for the umpteenth time about her lousy boyfriend.  You think, “For the love of everything that’s holy, will you break up with that loser once and for all?!?!”  You say, “I’ve noticed that you share a lot of negative things about Joe and I’m wondering how long this will go on between the two of you.”

Mom comes over and starts criticizing your kids, house, husband, etc.  You think, “Get off my back!  You never have anything nice to say to me and you’re life isn’t that great either, you know!!”  You say, “Mom, let’s talk about to share your opinions with me in a way that doesn’t make me so defensive.”

Waiting just a second and rethinking how you’ll rephrase an emotional response isn’t easy.  I know this from experience.  I also know that doing so gets me more of what I want and makes for less mess to clean up later.  As the old Life cereal commercials used to say, “Try it…you’ll like it!”

1)      Fashion can be fun.  Remember the big hair, earrings the size of dinner plates, and shoulder pads that rivaled NFL uniforms?  If Oprah was wearing it, I wore it.  Her shows about women being stuck in a decade moved me to cut my long hair, keep my eyeglasses up to date, and toss out anything that resembled mom jeans.

2)      Being a mother is the hardest job in the world.  Miss Winfrey had been on the air for about a year when my daughter was born—very timely message when I needed it most.  I’ll admit, though, that I didn’t find the job quite as difficult as some of her guests did.  However, the overall message made me think beyond the day’s dirty diapers and work toward the goal of raising a compassionate human being with something to offer the world.  Check.

3)      Our home should rise up to meet us.  I went against the no TV in the bedroom rule and occasionally allowed fake plants in the house, but for the most part Oprah (and Nate) gave me the confidence to create rooms that meant something to me and I didn’t worry about my house not being photographed for Architectural Digest.

4)      I am rich. No matter the amount of money I have I am a rich woman.  The show gave me the opportunity to compare my live to others around the world and taught me that generosity comes in many forms.  Writing a check isn’t always the solution.  (Note: I use this lesson when resolving conflict both in my personal and professional life.)

5)      When people show you who they are, believe them.  This is a big one.  Without that piece of information from Maya Angelou I know for certain my life would have been different.  I’ll leave it at that. 

6)      If something’s not working for you, do something else.  Thanks, Dr. Phil, for the infamous, “So how’s that workin’ for ya?” comment repeated over and over again.  I got it: I get it and, yes, I use it when resolving conflicts.

7)      Speak up.  Over the years Oprah’s messages have given me the courage to shut down a racist joke being told in front of me, respectfully state my point of view that’s different than the one being discussed, and to call it like it is.  Putting the real issue on the table makes room for real solutions and the only way to get to the real issue is to speak up.

8)      Be my best self.  It’s a good idea to get inspiration from others but don’t be a clone.  Change, evolve, become the best version of yourself as you possibly can.  Learn, grow, accept.  Love it.

So, thanks, Oprah and guests, for always making sure you were two steps ahead of me.  You guided me through some rocky times, gave me a laugh or two, took the focus from myself to others, and validated me.   The messages you delivered made me a better mother, friend, sister, and mediator.  Oprah Winfrey, you also taught me that I wasn’t alone in my struggles and that 50 is the new 40.  Some lessons are a little more timelier than others.

This question came from a buddy of mine I hadn’t seen in a while.  We had worked together a long time ago and recently met for coffee to go over old times and catch up with one another.  His memory of our working years together may have been slightly different than mine, but his recollection of me most likely had some truth to it.  I will say, though, that if he meant I was a troublemaker as in drama queen who can’t stand a quiet moment and has to stir up dust wherever she goes; then, no, I wasn’t a troublemaker.  If he meant troublemaker as in not being afraid to talk about the elephant in the room; then, yes, that was probably me.  And, thank goodness!  Because, you see, a lot of my experience as a troublemaker then has made me a better mediator today.  

Stay with me now.   In order to be fearless enough to point out the elephant in the room one must first be able to see the elephant—the entire elephant, not just the side one chooses to identify.  Similarly, to resolve problems effectively one has to have the willingness to see all sides of an issue.  You have to be comfortable with looking at everything surrounding an issue like understanding motivation and accepting your part in a conflict.  And, that ability doesn’t always come easy or is seen as a good thing by those around you.  

Once upon a time I thought that my coworkers were better at analyzing group dynamics and identifying individual motivation than I was because my assessment of what was happening with our team often didn’t match their diagnoses.  If majority rules; I was wrong a lot.  It wasn’t until I had more experience under my belt and then worked hard at a new career as a mediator that I realized I actually did know what I was talking about.  I had skills!  Thankfully, I’m now much better at identifying and communicating my observations.

So, if being called a troublemaker means that I’m not willing to stand by and pretend that I don’t see the person in the cubicle across from me fibbing to the boss or that it feels strange to me to ignore the fact that an AWOL coworker was shopping while the rest of us set-up the entire booth at the sales conference, well then I guess I’m a troublemaker.   As a well-rounded troublemaker I also made sure to acknowledge those who worked hard, those who had innovative ideas, and those who really did have the company’s best interest at heart.   I suppose that’s why, after all these years, my buddy still considers me a friend.

During workplace mediations, I’m often asked for my insight on dealing effectively with management styles.  Most people doing the asking would probably be satisfied if I replied that their boss is an idiot and the employee should feel free to ignore him, but I think a more humane approach is better.  Here’s what you can do.

Before you bristle at the thought of showing your boss any kind of compassion, know that there are smart, strategic reasons for applying a little humility with higher-ups.  Here are three good ones.

1)      They stand between you and a paycheck (or a good reference if you’re headed out of dodge!).

2)      It’s better to have a difficult personality on your side rather than working against you.

3)      You never know when you’ll see them again!

Start by seeing things from their perspective and consider the real motivation behind their behavior.  Once you get past flip thinking like, “He does that because he wants me to be miserable,” you’ll begin to have an understanding of what drives him or her.  That piece of information will be the key to unlocking how to handle things.

For instance, if your boss is a micromanager, she may be concerned with her reputation or care deeply about the final product.  Knowing that, you can deal with her by steering her in the right direction.  Consider what she does well and then say, “Where you really add value is with xyz.”  Get her focused on areas that have the potential to help you.  Create check-in points at the beginning of a project.  If she’s not crazy about doing that, ask if she’s willing to give it a shot just this once and if she’s still uneasy, ask what would make her feel comfortable with fewer check-ins.  Finally, ask for her overall vision or goal and pledge to make decisions based on that goal.  Let her know that you believe an important part of your job is to make her look good and she may be more trusting.

What should you know if your manager is an egomaniac?   It’s very likely that he’s insecure, looking for respect, or bringing a whole lot of little red wagon issues from his past into the office.  So, how might you deal with him?  Easy: appeal to his ego!  Remember not to take his need for attention personally or think that any attention going to him is attention not going to you.  Instead, find a way to share in the attention he works so hard to garner.   Say things like, “I’d like your opinion on…” and “I think you could really help me with this.”  If he thinks he can get a little credit from what you do, he’ll do a lot for you.  Obviously, don’t forget to give him credit for things along the way.

If your boss is someone you consider to be ineffective or clueless, it might be because she’s facing too much responsibility too soon, has been put in a position she doesn’t have the skills for, (or actually lacks the information she needs).  She might value her reputation as much as a micromanager and therefore is afraid to acknowledge her shortcomings.  Deal with her by having a little compassion and show her how to help you.  Have a few, “What are your thoughts on, abc”-type conversations so you can subtly coach her in areas you feel she needs development.  When you know the answers to something ask, “What would you like me to do about this… x or y?”  Giving her the answer is a great way to demonstrate how she might approach similar situations in the future and gets you to the finish line quicker.  Take her through the pros and cons of each choice so she can see how you’re attacking the decision-making process and she can hear about your experience with similar problems at the same time.  Blurting out what she doesn’t know and how experienced you are will probably backfire so put on a mentor hat and respectfully help her along.  Oh, and there must be something she does well so make sure you point that out to her every once in a while. 

What can I say about workaholics?  You know the type—he goes out of his way to talk about all the hours he’s put in, brags about missing the birth of his child because he was closing a big deal, or sends you text messages at 3 o’clock in the morning.  The motivation for a workaholic can be anything from insecurities to an addictive personality.  If you’re dealing with a workaholic start by limiting conversation about your family and friends, cut to the chase whenever you need to talk to him, be ready with information, and don’t put off tomorrow what you can get done today.  You might also think about adjusting your work schedule to fit his or find time to get work done when he’s not around (like early mornings or after the kids are in bed) so you don’t have to keep him waiting for information.  With that said, helping him prioritize will help lighten your assignment load.  If he’s given you six things to accomplish in the next week, take ten minutes with him to ask his advice on what he sees as the most pressing.  It’s not unusual for workaholics to say everything is equally important so let him know you’re asking because you want to make sure you’re focused on whatever is going to make the best impression on his behalf.  Approach everything from a business perspective.  Rather than saying you’re getting burned out by the extra hours and your personal life is suffering, say something like, “I’m concerned that workload is affecting quality and has the potential to erode the team’s reputation, so I’d like to brainstorm how we could manage the tasks better.”   Be sure to have at least three solutions to propose because workaholics usually don’t react well to blank stares.

If you work for someone with any of these management styles or a boss who’s overly-dramatic, someone who misunderstands the real issues, a guy who looks the other way, or a dismissive supervisor, applying a simple formula may make your life easier.  Namely, figure out what the value or motivation is behind his behavior and then craft or mold your behavior to get what you want by giving him what he wants.  Remember to always attack the problems, not the person.

1) He’s not out to get you.  It sure feels like he’s campaigning to get you fired, publically embarrass you, or wants to take credit for your hard work, but the truth is you shouldn’t take his nit-picking personally.  He’s not interested in taking anything away from you, per se; he’s really just interested in gaining something for himself.  Use open-ended questions to figure out what it is he’s trying to achieve so you can help him redirect his poor attitude in a way that will help him accomplish his goals. 

2) Other people like him.  Yes, someone out there loves him.  He happily participates in interests and hobbies with family and friends where he’s actually kind to other people.  Try seeing the whole person instead of the small slice of negativity he shows you on a daily basis.  Doing so will make it easier to show him a little compassion, which can make even the iciest amongst us melt.  A well-placed greeting or question about his family will have him looking at you as an ally rather than an enemy.

3) He could add value to your career goals.  It may be hard to fathom, but it’s quite possible that he could actually have an idea or two about how you might take the next step in your career or how you might complete your current project with an ingenious twist that’ll get you noticed.  Only looking to your buddies for feedback and advice could be a mistake.  The office grouch may have a shorter fuse when you propose new ideas simply because he’s “been there, done that.”  You won’t know unless you ask, and you just might learn a thing or two in the process. 

4) He has bad days, too.  Assuming that he never  gets up on the wrong side of the bed, doesn’t know what it’s like to have a bad hair day, or never becomes frustrated with a weight loss program puts your cranky co-worker into a superhuman category.  No one is super human, so cut him a little slack.  Perhaps there are bigger issues like healthcare, family problems and financial worries that have him seeing the problems at work as minor.  His poor behavior may be temporary, so it’s okay to treat it as such.

5) He may be surprised at how his actions impact you. Taking a few minutes to have a well-intentioned conversation with Mr. Crabapple could change everything.  Privately asking if you’ve done something to offend him is a great way to open a discussion about his tone, body language, or approach.  He could believe that he’s coming across as someone who takes his job seriously when, in fact, you’re interpreting his lack of a smile as a personal slight.  He’ll appreciate a gentle and sincere approach to what otherwise could be a contentious and defensive debate.

1)      Learn what your customer cares most about.  Price?  Commitment?  Service?  Ask open-ended questions and then listen until she’s finished speaking.  Trying to address every issue immediately may have you answering the wrong questions.

2)      Get creative.  Sure, you have policies to follow but maybe it’s time to shake things up.  Trial periods are a great way to try on new ideas without too much red tape. 

3)      Expand the bottom line.  If it’s all about the money, consider ways you can show financial benefit by looking at the bigger picture.  Will spending a little more on your product or service save your customer time or money in other areas?

4)      Ask what it would take.  Rather than sounding like a robot stuck on replay, set your features and benefits statements aside for a minute and ask what it would take for you to make the sale. You’ll learn pretty quickly if the window of opportunity is open or closed.  Plus, the best ideas on how to structure future opportunities can come from uninterested customers!

5)      Leave the door open for future business.  If you don’t make this sale, continue to communicate with your customer until what you have to offer matches up with his needs.  Even if he never buys from you, he may turn out to be one of your best advocates.

I drove into my neighborhood gas station and from the eight possible lane choices I zeroed in on the one with the fewest waiting cars.  The two pumps in my lane were occupied and I began waiting behind one other car.  Almost immediately I saw that the second gas-pumper had finished her transaction and started talking with a nearby man, leaving me and the first waiting car to, well, wait.  “Okay,” I think, “The man’s probably an employee and she’s asking him a question—maybe directions, maybe her credit card didn’t work, maybe she needs to tell him something about her transaction.”  I then figure out that he isn’t an employee but rather the customer from car #1.  And they are talking up a storm!

A minute or so passes.  Then two minutes. Every lane is full and I try to think of a scenario that would explain how the chatty woman doesn’t see any waiting cars and therefore is unaware of her rude behavior.  Five minutes pass.  Yeah, I can’t think of anything.   Six minutes pass.  My blood starts to boil.

At this point, most people I know would have hit the horn, but I freeze.  And here’s why:  I don’t want the honking sound to be misinterpreted.  I begin wishing that my car horn had a setting that would allow me to choose a sound that says, “Excuse me, I’m not sure you see that I’m here, so I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt, which should allow you to exit gracefully.”  Instead, I feel that if I honk my horn now, the woman will hear, “What the heck, lady!!  You’re an idiot!! I’m deliberately provoking you so get ready to rumble!!”  That’s not what I’m going for so I keep my hands away from the horn.

Seven minutes pass and I enter into a daydream about a letter I should send to automakers on the subject of redesigning car horns.  We could have at least three distinct options.  One that’s a polite, “Uh oh, I don’t think you noticed that the light turned green, etc.”, one with a slightly more assertive tone that says, “Hey, that wasn’t very nice,” and one that gives off a message akin to, “#&(#^&@!” for those who feel they need that.

Eight minutes pass.  I then decide that if horns come with the above options, they also need to come with settings for responses.   For instance, I would love a “Thank you” honk, and one that says, “I didn’t do that on purpose; my bad, sorry.”  Finally, I decide the response to the “#&(#^&@!” honk should be, “Wow, you must be having a tough day, I’ll just move out of your way” rather than the somewhat obvious “#&#(^&@ you, too!” because I really do know better than to respond like that.

Ten minutes pass.  Both the woman and the man leave.  The lady from the first waiting car and I move up to the pumps, get out and start laughing with each other about what just happened.  I was thrilled to hear her say, “I wanted to honk my horn, but I was afraid she’d get mad at me.”   My kind of gal!

Boy, ain’t that the truth?  I was watching a group of people the other day who were trying to strategize on how they would approach an upcoming competition.  Okay, I admit I was watching The Biggest Loser but there was an interesting dynamic going on that I think is worth talking about.  The group was discussing the show’s weigh-in and their desire to keep certain contestants around for as long as possible.  Three of the individuals at the table are parents to three of the other players and one woman hinted that she and the other mother would be willing to gain weight in order to “save” their children.  The only father in the group began to take offense at the way the strategy was being presented and became very emotional.  After some silence and a bit of fidgeting he began to speak and said that he didn’t think just because he was “old” that his journey was any less important than a younger person’s.  One of the younger people without a parent in the game took offense to his statement and left the table.  Later, in a private interview, she stated that she was angry at his suggestion that she didn’t need to be there.  Wait, what?!?  When did he say that?

I flipped back to listen again to what was actually said and became acutely aware at the difference between what each individual had stated and what the other individuals heard.  The scene was a comedy of errors in listening and assumption building and it came as no surprise to me when the conversation imploded; leaving everyone at the table emotional and no farther along in their strategy than when they first sat down.

It seemed to me that the group members were trying to approach a group decision while firmly sequestered in individual bubbles.  And, isn’t that the way we mere mortals usually approach a tough conversation?  Actually, isn’t that the way we approach any conversation?  I’ve been trained to look at things differently and even I have a hard time remembering to step outside my bubble and think beyond my own bias, attitudes, and insecurities with others. 

If I’m looking for snide remarks about something that matters to me—guess what—I hear snide remarks.  I will, though, give myself a little credit and say that I finally figured out that if I have the capacity to see the worst in other people’s words and actions it means that I also have the capacity to look for—and find—good intentions, happy people, and validation from complete strangers.  What the day brings is largely up to me!

The way another mom sees the world is largely due to a combination of her experiences, background, and values—just like you, by the way.  When the gal sitting next to you sees the world through a similar lens as yours, it’s easier to develop a friendship with her than it is to be friendly with the woman you think looks at the world through a busted kaleidoscope.  Her unique point of view doesn’t necessarily mean she’s wrong, though, it just means she’s seeing things differently.  Plus, you never know what’s going on in other areas of her life so to assume that her thoughtful expressions are scowls directed solely at you or that her motivation for heading up the fundraiser is to get back at your best friend for personal reasons may be all wrong.

We all know that facial expression and body language can speak volumes.  Think about the times others have made you feel small.  What were they doing?  Not looking at you, preoccupied, or using a sharp tone of voice?  If you have a tendency to do those things, work to correct them and be a little forgiving if you see another mom using sour expressions or biting language.  When I observe that kind of behavior, I often ask, “Are you having a rough day?”  If she is, she almost always melts, and if not, she at least knows she’s doing it.  Of course, any time I ask I do so with the intention of being compassionate, not judging (which isn’t always easy, by the way).

So why bother to improve your relationships with other moms?  No man is an island and no mom can go it alone.  We need each other!  The best thing about getting to know other moms is realizing how normal your struggles are.  Plus, moms not interested in developing other mommy friends could be wasting their own talent and knowledge.  There’s always going to be a mom experiencing a road you’ve yet to travel and another one who will be following on the path after you.  Share what you know and be open to learning more.

Keep in mind that if a conflict arises between you and another mother, she’s not against you, she’s simply for herself.  That means that if she’s disagreeing with you she’s probably defending something that’s important to her; like maybe respect or security.  Seeing things from her perspective (which is not the same as agreeing, by the way) helps you figure out a solution that would work for both of you.  Also, the words you choose can make a big difference in resolving issues.  Use “and” instead of “but”; “I” instead of “you”; and be especially careful with words like “always”, “never” and phrases such as “that was the worst thing I’ve ever experienced.”  That kind of language just makes the conflict about the words and doesn’t get to the core of what you really need to resolve.

 Lastly, look at conflict as an opportunity.  Many people see disagreements and tension between moms as a symptom of something that’s wrong.  I say it’s an indicator for an opportunity to model good behavior for the kiddos.  Improved relationships, better play environments, and strong alliances with other moms are all things that have the potential to come out of conflicts.  The sooner your little one knows that, the better.  Oh, and I realize dads have their own issues; but that’s another story.

Before you think I’m going to get too serious here, let me say that I’ve never had any delusions of grandeur about being plucked from obscurity to change the world on such a large scale by helping countries like Egypt or Libya define their futures.  Nah, I’m more likely to change the world one mediation at a time in my own backyard, thank you.   With that being said, what I need to come clean about is the hope that I’m not the only mediator who gets sucked into anything on television and thinks that news teams, sitcoms, dramas, and reality shows could really use a good mediator on staff.

So, I wonder…am I the only mediator who thinks the writers on certain dramatic shows could have come up with a better (mediated) solution than the one that wraps up in the last five minutes of the program?  Or, am I the only one who knows the spat that’s too easily solved on a sitcom won’t last long because the characters’ core values haven’t been met?  I admit I watch my favorite reality shows and am often tempted to write in to offer my services off-camera because I can’t stand to watch the relationships between these real people disintegrate any further for the sake of entertainment.   What mediator who’s ever watched the family mess between father and son on American Chopper hasn’t simultaneously felt like a voyeur and an interested student of conflict?  I know I have.  The viewer in me picks a side…the mediator in me knows better.

Sometimes I ruin shows for those watching with me because Little Miss Mediator feels the need to let anyone within earshot know the questions she would ask of the characters to help resolve their differences or because I can’t help but point out the inconsistencies in what the evening news interviewee says he wants and the actions he took.  I go on and on about how a good mediator could help the (fictional or real) players better understand their own perspectives so they could better communicate their needs to the others on the screen.  Yep, I get sucked in and wonder, along with Rodney King, about our capacity to get along.  But, rather than repeat his question, I’ve developed my own:  “Can’t we all just get a good mediator?”

If you can relate to that sort of censoring or editorializing because it’s happening to you, I say go ahead and have a spit spewin’, snot flyin’, let-it-all out kind of fit!   Sometimes the more we try to measure our words, speak softly, or give off subtle hints instead of saying what it is we really want to say the more frustrated we become.  I know in order for me, personally, to get to the bottom of what’s really bothering me about a situation, I need to turn on the fire hose and let out a random stream of consciousness that includes more than a few comments about every angle of the mess.  I use a lot of “and another thing!” or “and you know what else bugs me about this?” or “who does he think he is”-type of phrases when I’m doing my best spewing.  I can go on and on and then at some point in the tantrum I realize that the fire hose is getting more focused and it becomes easier for me to aim it at an imaginary sieve that helps me determine which of the nails I’m spitting across the room are most important to me.

No, it’s not the most adult or professional thing to do but I’d rather see myself and others flop around the carpet kicking and screaming than see them stuff emotions or have arguments go on for decades with neither party truly understanding what the real issues are.  So, if you’re part of an unresolved conflict, consider giving this method a try: with a few ground rules, of course.

1)      Don’t aim the fire hose or spit nails at the person(s) involved in the situation.  You could do irreparable harm while you’re letting out every thought you have in no particular order of importance to you.  The other person could get confused, misinterpret what you’re trying to say, or glom onto the wrong point.  Choose someone you trust and let them know you won’t be asking for their opinion; you simply need a witness for your ranting. 

2)      Be open to discovering that what you thought was upsetting you the most isn’t the issue at all.  I’m sure you’ve had experiences in which you start out describing your emotions one way and then discover later that you weren’t really angry (or whatever) you were embarrassed (or whatever).  In order for the outburst to work, you’ll have to let go of preconceived assumptions and let the rant take you somewhere else.

3)      Organize your thoughts when you’re just about finished.  Whew, you’re spent!  So, now what?  Out of everything you spit out, what would you most like to express to the other person(s)?  Get clarity around the issues and prioritize them.

4)      Pull yourself together and do something about it.  How will you communicate what you’ve discovered?  Sometimes it’s enough just to let everything out and maybe you’ll realize that the relationship with the other person isn’t something you’re interested in.   Usually, though, there’s some important information that surfaces that will help you repair a relationship, set boundaries, or communicate more effectively.  You’ll want to share that with those involved.

Feel free to add a few more guidelines like time and place considerations (at the park in front the kids might not be the best decision) so keep those in mind.  Wear comfortable clothing, avoid alcoholic beverages, and let ‘er rip!

Be ready to be turned down:  Just because the timing is right for you it doesn’t mean that the other person is going to want to talk or make nice.  Choose language carefully so you can craft a message that fully expresses your desire for the two of you to discuss what’s happened and your willingness to find a solution that works for both of you.  Simply saying, “I think we should put this behind us” may be what you’re feeling but the other person could interpret that to mean, “Your feelings are unimportant in this and I’ve made a decision to ignore them.”  Not good.  If you get turned down, be sure to let the other person know that you’re leaving the door open for a conversation when she’s ready. 

Be ready to admit your part:  Approaching the other person with an admission of what you could have handled better is a great way to deflate a stand-off and create the space for him to do the same.  He will likely be wary of your intentions so make sure you use “I” statements such as, “I felt hurt about the things that were told to Susan” rather than, “You really messed things up when you told Susan those things.”  Be genuine and leave the excuses (you may call them explanations) for later.  Offer a full apology that includes a commitment that you won’t repeat your actions.

Be open to considering the other person’s perspective:  You likely have a lot of points you’d like to make.  Perhaps you’ve even jotted down a few notes or created a list of items you’d like to talk about.  Hold that thought.  Start any conversation with a sincere invitation for the other person to tell you, from her perspective, what happened and how it impacted her.  When she’s talking, consider what she’s sharing (not just listen for an opening so you can jump in) and let her talk as long as she’d like before you ask questions or explore further.

Be clear about what you’d like to see happen:  So, now what?  If you don’t have a master plan to hold hands and walk off into the sunset, at a minimum you might suggest that the two of you can be cordial or have the capacity to be in the same room without making others uncomfortable.  Do a little thinking beforehand about what “putting it behind you” looks like to you and ask if the other person is willing to hear your description.  You may want to get back to being friends but be open to something less than that until trust is rebuilt.  Remember, you’ve had time to consider the full conversation so let the other person get up to speed and don’t try to rush things.

http://www.openforum.com/idea-hub/topics/managing/article/7-steps-to-effectively-mediate-employee-squabbles-katie-morell

Ignoring:  Treating your boss as if he and/or his ideas are inconsequential to your success is foolish.  Not showing up for meetings or dismissing his requests will  rile him up in a way that he won’t soon forget.  The same is true for missing deadlines or refusing to follow through on assignments.  And, ignoring any problems that exist between the two of you will only make them worse.  You may feel you’re 100% in the right, but rest assured he’ll place the blame for issues squarely on your shoulders.

Sabotaging:  Not doing your best on a project you think isn’t worth your time, not asking for help when you need it, or treating clients and vendors poorly are all acts of sabotage that are sure to anger even the most level-headed supervisor.  Sabotage can be overt like saying you’re going to do everything in your power to make sure xyz doesn’t happen (and then doing it), or it can be stealthy like not using key contacts or not sharing information to ensure a project doesn’t get off the ground.  Oh, and saying, “I told you so” in the voice of a third grader is a good way to sabotage morale, future projects, and your reputation.

Going over, around, or behind him:  Communicating in any way that treats your boss like the enemy falls under this category.  Actions like speaking to your manager’s boss about your manager, going behind your boss’s back to promote yourself with clients, or leaving her out of the communication loop at any step of the way are all ways to maneuver around a supervisor.  Not speaking to her directly lets others do the speaking for you and when they let her in on what you’ve done (and they will!) rest assured she’s going to be furious.

Admittedly, sometimes it feels easier to ignore bosses and just do what we would do if we were in charge.  But, the truth of the matter is, we’re not in charge.  Sure, you can sabotage projects you don’t believe in and gloat afterwards, or take the opportunity to bad mouth your manager during a chance encounter with his boss in the elevator, but in the end that type of behavior doesn’t do anything but make you look bad and make your manager really mad. 

If you’d like to have a boss who’s more your advocate and less your nemesis, make his ideas work even when (actually especially when) you don’t agree with them, respectfully say what you have to say to him rather than to others, and show up for everything.

So, let me get this straight.  Picasso wanted us to recognize that we have the capacity to see an object (or situation) from many angles simultaneously.  In fact, the majority of his paintings insist we do just that.  I love this idea as it relates to conflicts and mediation because it does two things.

First, it insists that we have the capacity—we have it in us—to see things from another person’s perspective.  We can choose to walk to the other side of the room, stand in his shoes, and see things from his point of view.  We can see “the larger picture” which means we don’t have to limit ourselves to only one perspective.

Secondly, it gives us permission to see all aspects of a situation…the good, the bad, and the ugly.  I love this idea as well because I think sometimes when I’m mediating the parties want to side step, ignore, or outright deny the icky, ugly stuff.  For instance, family disputes can be about money and old wounds and revenge and wanting to feel whole again.  Workplace disputes can be about the location of your desk and respect and feeling isolated.  Conflicts rarely, if ever, are just about one thing; and too often people want to force the larger picture into a small, 4×6 frame. 

These thoughts about perspective came to me while visiting a Picasso exhibit a few weeks ago.  While I was walking about, I noticed that some of his paintings are pretty straightforward.  Yep, it’s a lady sitting on a chair.  Others appeared on the surface to be a big fat mess of color and unrecognizable objects.  Those were the ones that led me to think that in order to understand a perspective one must first see it.  Which means we need to walk around it, check it out, stand where our opponent is standing, and take in his point of view.  I decided that where Picasso helps us out the most is insisting that we look at the two perspectives and then go stand somewhere unexpected and look at it again.  Conflicts and relationships may look like jumbled messes at first, but taking the time to stand in a different spot can only enhance the view.

I may not be a fan of everything Picasso created, but I’m certainly a fan of his perspective on perspective.

Start by considering your hiring process.  If you’re not able to offer the same wages and benefit packages as larger companies, don’t feel that you need to apologize for it and hire anyone who’s willing to take the job.   Over- or under-selling a position only results in hiring the wrong person.  If you’re honest about the job and take your time to find someone who wants to do that job (not the fantasy one you’ve created for the interview), he’ll be more apt to stay with you.  Make sure you have documented policies in place that clearly outline mission statements, goals, job responsibilities, etc.  It’s okay to treat employees in a small company like family, but run your business like a business—even if you have only four employees.  You can never go wrong with clear communication. 

In the screening process ask really good, open-ended questions that get prospective employees talking.  Make a list of the usual yes/no questions you ask and turn them into conversation starters.  For example, rather than asking an interviewee if she likes to work with numbers, say something like, “Tell me more about the detail work in your last position.”  While you’re at it, give a few real-life examples from your company and ask how she might handle similar situations.   Let other employees participate in the interview process.  Ask them to concentrate on specific areas for feedback like the person’s skill level or his ability to handle stressful environments.  If they have had the opportunity to participate from the get-go, they may be more likely to embrace the person once he’s hired and therefore create an easier training and transition period.

After you’ve taken on employees, let them do their jobs.  I often mediate cases for small businesses because too often they’ve taken a committee approach to an individual’s work; causing employees to step on, over, and around each other.  If you’ve hired someone to do your marketing, let him do it.  Having to wait for a staff meeting to get consensus on the background color of the new brochure or to decide if an ad should be taken out in the industry rag is an easy way to get your marketing guru to run the other way.  Ideas from others are great, but he should make (and be responsible for) the final decisions. 

Additionally, find ways to praise and reward your staff often.  Taking 30 minutes to have a one-on-one with an employee or bringing in a box of doughnuts costs very little and goes a lot way in making employees happy.   Have regular staff meetings and make sure to mention what people are doing well.  They can’t read your mind, so be specific.  I worked with a company once that had a Wall of Fame near the front door on which managers would post positive feedback they’d received from customers and vendors about employees.  For a few dollars in frames the worker bees could see on a daily basis how much pride the company took in their contributions. 

And, when things aren’t going so well?  Address employee problems as soon as they arise.  All your employees watch how you handle difficult situations.  If you let one person get away with poor behavior, others make a note of that; and those are the types of things that play into job satisfaction.  If you’re not comfortable with conflict, get comfortable!  (FYI, my book has lots of pointers to help you on that front)  Stay committed to seeing a problem through.  Tell an employee what to do rather than what to stop.

Finally, if you do have to let someone go or an employee decides to leave, make sure to debrief with the others.  Talk about what happened, let people process their emotions, and let them help you build a plan to fix whatever might need  fixing.

Wait.  Not sure how to brainstorm without getting into a big fight?  Try these tips:

1)      Clearly identify the problem.  Be specific.  Stating that you need to do something about the kids is vague.  Stating that you need to ensure the kids adhere to their curfew is specific. 

2)      Brainstorm only one problem at a time, please. 

3)       Agree to attack the problem not the person.  Get out of the blame game and into solving the issue at hand.  Add “how to avoid this in the future” to the next brainstorming session if you need to, but for now stick with the solving what’s in front of you.

4)      Ignore the saying that no idea is a bad idea.  Good ideas become bad ideas when they don’t have anything to do with reaching the goal.  If you’re trying to find ways to keep customer service phone calls under five minutes and your idea is about what to serve for lunch at the next team meeting, you’ve derailed the process.  That’s a bad idea.

5)      Be okay with not coming up with the best solution in the first round.  I like to have two sessions.  One to get going with initial ideas and then another in the next day or so.  Keeping the time between meetings to a minimum ensures that the topic is still on everyone’s mind but they’ve had time to step away, sleep on it, and reconvene with clearer thinking. 

6)      Quickly (and I do mean quickly) discuss the pros and cons of each suggestion after you’ve created a list (not after each idea is suggested). 

7)      Choose an idea with the agreement that everyone will get behind it.  Do everything you can to make the idea work even if—and especially when—it wasn’t your idea.

Usually blurted out in a moment of frustration, “How would you feel if I…?” is often a last ditch effort by the speaker to be heard, validated, or understood by the listener.  I admit I’ve said it myself when I’ve fumbled around for the right words to express the hurt or disappointment another person has caused me.  Hearing myself or anyone else utter something akin to, “How would you like it if I did that to you?” or “If I treated you that way, you wouldn’t be very happy!” almost always makes me wince because I know the question rarely moves a conversation forward.   In fact, it frequently does just the opposite—and here’s why:

1)      You’re asking someone to feel exactly how you feel; to have the same emotions, the same perspective, and then agree with you.  If they don’t concur (and they probably won’t) you end up in a circular debate in which the other person finds new ways to discount your feelings.  Replies such as, “Well, I would know that it was just a joke and I wouldn’t be such a baby about it!” or “I wouldn’t care so neither should you” most certainly won’t bring the two of you any closer to resolving the issue.

2)      You’re asking someone to read your mind, to know the impact of every action that’s ever happened to you, and then know how that historical impact is being applied to the current situation.   They can’t do that–only you can.  Asking the other person to make the leap from “You wouldn’t like it if I took you to my company picnic and left you to fend for yourself” to understanding the issues you have with unpopular memories from high school is unreasonable if you haven’t explained yourself.  People really don’t just know things; we have to tell them.

3)      The question muddies up the conversation because the two of you start debating whether or not the statement is true.  Responses that include odd and old examples like “that one time when you did that thing that’s sort of like the thing we’re talking about now and I was okay with it” only cause huge distractions and completely derail the discussion.

When “how would you feel” questions are inserted into a debate, the best one can hope for is a response with some level of understanding.  And, that happens sometimes.  But then what?  It may seem you’ve gotten through to the other person but keep in mind that there can’t be that much understanding taking place because you haven’t spent any time discussing what the action brings up for you-i.e. the real issue.  Rather than continue down the path of assuming synchronicity I think it’s beneficial to stop and reconsider whether the point is to get the listener to agree with you that they would feel exactly the way you feel or if the point is to gain understanding based on something deeper.  I vote for gaining understanding based on something deeper. 

When I’m the person ready to blurt out “how would you feel if…” I stop myself and reconsider.  I take a moment (okay, sometimes I take days) to figure out what the real issue is for me.  Then I own it.  I will re-enter the conversation by admitting that what I have to say may make no sense at all to the listener but it’s how I feel and it explains why I’m having such an emotional reaction.  I talk about what the situation brings up for me and I let go of the need to have the other person say she’d feel the same way in my shoes.  Rather, I explain myself and ask if she will agree to do or not do xyz in the future now that I’ve shared with her where I’m coming from and, more importantly, why.  Oh, and I make sure to include a discussion about what the issue brings up for her as well. 

If I’m mediating and one of the parties starts in with a “how would feel if…” question, I help both parties through the same process I use for myself.  I acknowledge the question by asking what the issue brings up for both them.   Though it may seem obvious to focus only on the speaker, I know that there is also something at play for the listener.  Perhaps she has no experience with the issues the speaker is bringing up or perhaps she’s applying her own historical event to today’s issue.  The two don’t need to agree on how one should feel about the issue; they simply need to spend some time listening to each other’s expanded perspective on it.

Providing clear explanations about how and why an action affects you (or not) is a great way to set boundaries around possible solutions and agreements.  Not understanding why one shouldn’t leave her partner alone at the company picnic makes it easier to come up with ideas on how to ease his anxiety with your co-workers than it is to smother him with embarrassing attention at the next event.  If she knows how mingling with others without her makes you feel, she’s more apt to honor your request to stay nearby (or take the trash out without being asked, or pick up the kids from daycare on time, or refrain from rolling ones eyes behind your mother’s back, or…).

If you have a tough situation and need some practical tips to help you through it, think leaving a copy in the break room for others to read might be a good idea, or would like to use some of the ideas I share with the folks at home, pick up a copy (or two!) today. 

http://www.amazon.com/Conflict-Resolution-at-Work-Dummies/dp/0470536438/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1292261663&sr=8-1

I was thinking about him recently and realized his 100 years on this earth have probably given him quite a bit of insight into conflict and relationships in general.  I asked him to share some wisdom with me so that I could share it with you.  After thinking long and hard about it (weeks actually), he finally replied with, “Don’t hold grudges.  Nobody wins.” 

I thought about adding a few hundred words about the problems with grudges but I think I’ll just leave it at that.  I’m pretty sure he doesn’t need me to expound on his thought because, well, it’s pretty clear. Instead, I’ll just thank him for the reminder.  “Don’t hold grudges.  Nobody wins.”  Got it.

I can’t tell you how to manage every potential conflict you’ll face in the next month or so, but I can pass on a few tips retail workers have shared with me.  Of course, I’ve added my own two cents worth on the subject and hope there’s something in here that will help you keep your cool this season.

1)      Minimize the material and maximize the experience:  What I mean by that is limit the amount of “stuff” you buy and, instead, think about experiences you can share with your family and friends.  Throwing a potluck or hosting a game night will deliver a much better experience than being angry with those around you as you wait in line after line after line spending money you don’t have. 

2)      Shop on-line:  Avoid the lines (and the other crabby people!) by hitting up your favorite stores’ websites.  Check out sites like www.retailmenot.com to find deals on price discounts, free shipping, and the like.  A word of caution, though.  Make sure you’re carving out uninterrupted computer time so you steer clear of fighting with the family when they “just won’t leave you alone.”  Also, practice scanning Internet deals quickly to avoid getting to the checkout page only to discover the discount you’re counting on doesn’t apply to the items in your shopping cart.

3)      Use parking lots as personal training sessions:  Why get worked up when you can work out? Use the back entrance and take the first spot you see.  Walk the extra distance to the front door with a smile on your face and daydream about what you’ll do with all the extra time you’ve given yourself by not circling the same aisles over and over.  Unless you need to build your demolition derby skills, let the other shoppers duke it out, honk their horns, and yell obscenities. 

4)      Shop the little guy:  I called a warehouse store to ask if they had any tips on avoiding shopper conflicts and the person who answered the phone said, “Don’t shop here.”  Good point.  If crowds, long lines, and oversized carts bumping into the back of your heels make you mad, shop at smaller stores that offer fewer items to fewer customers.

5)      Plan to be patient:  No matter what anyone else does, have control over your own emotions and reactions.  Prepare yourself to take a “we’re in this together” attitude whenever possible.  If the cashier is rude, empathetically ask if she’s having a rough day.  She’ll probably appreciate your interest and lighten up for the next guy.  Smile at everyone even if—and especially when—they don’t return the gesture.

My local grocery store manager said that for the most part, holiday shoppers and retail employees are a cheerful bunch.  His staff actually notices that most of their patrons display quite a bit of holiday spirit even when they’re stressed and tired.  He said that the happiest customers are the ones who have paid attention to the ads (which are timed to coincide with shopper habits) and are completing their lists with time to spare.   He hinted that the best time to grocery shop is before 11:00 a.m. when most of the staff is in, the departments are fully stocked, and there are fewer customers to contend with.  He also said that a shopper shouldn’t wait until late afternoon the day before an event to rush around the store and then get angry with a cashier who’s helping another customer count out change.  I don’t know about you, but I think that’s a pretty good piece of advice for any time of the year.

My wife and I almost never fought about money before I was laid-off.   And, for a short time following the lay-off the money argument was relatively scarce due to a decent severance package, billable hours from a few small projects I found, and an agreement to slash our budget.  Our third child was born in May, and by the time I was dropping off my laptop and Blackberry to the HR director in July, my wife was happy to admit she was looking forward to my help on the home front.  Perhaps this was serendipity, or providence; perhaps we were exactly where we should be at that time in our lives: job free.

Divine guidance or not, our new life-style has had its share of difficulties.  With the novelty of being job free wearing off, and the last paid quarter of our healthcarebenefits expiring, the anxiety about our future is growing.  It’s easy to lose focus and hope in the face of dire statistics about ineffectiveInternet job postings and the expected year-end hiring slow down that accompanies the holidays.  I admit that sometimes my motivation to find work is sporadic at best and that every minute I spend on the computer isn’t dedicated to sending out resumes and drafting cover letters.  Some days, none of them are.  Of course, those always seem to be the days my wife REALLY wants to know how the search is going (in great detail!).  I try not to get defensive or annoyed, but I fail.  And she sees through it every time.

Another source of contention between us is time.  Quality time and family time were rare and cherished occasions when I was working 60-70 hour weeks, spending days, sometimes weeks, on the road.  Now we’ve got nothing buttime together.  We’ve become ubiquitous to each other, irritatingly omnipresent as we literally spend 24 hours a day co-parenting, co-cooking, co-cleaning, and co-habitingwithout end.  We came to the conclusion that each of us needed to start scheduling “me” time during the week if our marriage was going to survive any more of this togetherness!

As my wife does her part to brace our family for extended unemployment, slashing the family budget has become its own part-time job for her. For the first time in our lives we’re looking at our account balance as a limited and precious resource.  If we spring for that car repair this week, are we spending food money our kids will need three months down the line?  So when I considered buying a $500 plane ticket to Cleveland in order to deliver a six-figure proposal (a long shot at best), I came up against this obsessively frugal mentality.  Classic idioms such as “it takes money to make money” became the toxic advice of irresponsible dare-devils, willing to risk their family’s safety and security for some desperate uncertainty – or so my wife tells me.  The fight escalated, turning into a bitter dispute over support, faith, and what respect we still had for each other. 

There’s a popular book out that compares the love a significant other feels to a gas tank.  When the tank is full (when we feel loved) we have spare love to give.  When we give love without feeling it’s returned, our tank drains.  By the fight’s end, it became obvious that both of our tanks were pretty low, and the stress and disappointment of my job free days were playing a major part in that.  Our solution was to go out of our way, twice a day, to speak the love language (the preferred method of demonstrated love) of our spouse.  It’s a technique we’ve successfully used in the past, but this time around I encountered some difficulty.  My wife loves the honey-do’s and chore lists.  It makes her feel special to know that I’m willing to actually DO something to take a little off her plate and make her life easier.  To my surprise, I learned that anything I’ve completed for her in the past no longer seems to qualify.  My current job free state has relegated the special deeds and extra considerations of yesterday to mandatory and expected contributions today.  This one, I’m still working on…  Stay tuned.

Note from Vivian:  If anyone is interested in learning more about Sean Casey’s superb sales and customer service training skills, or has been holding a job open in the Southern California area waiting for a guy just like him to come along, please contact him at casey.seanthomas@yahoo.com.  I’m sure he would be very thankful!

“At the end of the day at work you want to have achieved passionate synergy as a team player that’s consistent with corporate culture, and take it to the next level through an idea shower for a win-win game changer.”

Hopefully, that’s a sentence that has never been spoken in your office. But, since it’s chock-full of some of the most hated phrases used in the business world, it’s a distinct possibility. AOL Jobs received so many responses in creating a list of the Most Hated Business Terms that it could have listed 100, but decided to keep it to relatively modest 25.

Here’s a real-life example from Australian entrepreneur Paul Breen, who heard this at a management presentation from the CEO of a $400 million company:

“We need to do some out of the box thinking from the get-go with sufficient granularity in the drill-down phase to ensure our value-added strategy is consistent with our core values and beliefs.”

“Nobody in the room questioned what he had just said or what he meant,” Breen said. “Most just nodded their heads in agreement. I nearly burst out laughing. It was just so ridiculous. This company had, without knowing it, invented their internal language. I think they believed it helped their culture — it didn’t. It robbed the company of its creativity and created a bunch of management drones that cared less about their customers and more about fitting in with their peers.”

Here are 25 terms that fixate on the language instead of the message, and don’t do much to get a point across:

1. “At the end of the day” Public relations executive Kevin Dinino said he always wondered, “As opposed to what, the beginning?” Does a sentence or point have more “oomph” if you say “at the end of the day?” Ex-jocks on ESPN say it throughout the day, Dinino says. Many more of these may come from the sports world.

2. “Synergy” or “synergies” are the worst business phrases ever to Kristen Carney of Austin, Texas, and co-founder of ThankThankNotes. “It’s completely unfair of me, but when I hear someone say “synergies,” it immediately discredits everything else they’ve said. After that point, all I can hear when that person speaks are phrases like ‘Let’s extend our collaborative synergies by evolving our value-add enterprise platform.’”

3. “I need this to be turn-key,” as submitted by Greg Jenkins, a partner at Bravo Productions in Long Beach, Calif.. “Of course, it needs to be exceptional,” Jenkins said. “Who would expect ‘junk?’ And when you ask a person how to describe their idea of turn-key, they can’t tell you specifics.”

That seems to be a common thread among these business phrases — they’re vague cliches that people use to avoid having to come up with specific details.

4. “Win-Win,” as in “This is a real win-win solution.” Michael Buckingham, owner of Holy Cow Creative, wrote that he uses it, but still hates it “mostly because it was overused, but maybe more so because most people don’t mean it. Most people mean ‘This is really good for me and I hope you think it’s good for you.’ Why can’t we just talk like normal people; is there something wrong with ‘I think this is good for both of us?’”

5. “Consistent with corporate culture.” It’s a phrase that Carrie Rocha hates. “If we have to regulate culture by telling people what they can and can’t do to maintain consistency with the corporate culture, then maybe the culture isn’t a reflection of the people working there anymore,” Rocha wrote in an e-mail to AOL Jobs.

6. “Need to touch base with senior management,” another phrase submitted by Jenkins of Bravo Productions. “Why not have senior management in the room when the materials are first presented?” Jenkins asks. “Would this not be a time-saving solution? Senior management should understand that concept.”

7. “Ping,” as in “I’ll ‘ping’ Bill to see if he has the files.” David Skinner, who owns his own company but worked for many large corporations, says, “It’s used in exchange for ‘email’ or ‘call’ and most often by someone with no understanding of ICMP (Internet Control Message Protocol). Did you know PING is actually an acronym? Packet Internet or Inter-Network Groper.”

8. “Can I be honest with you?” Submitted by Bruce M. Colwin, president of Legal Minds Media, who asks, “Otherwise, are they usually dishonest with me?”

9. “Idea showers.” Can anything be more inappropriate in a workplace?

10. “Putting out fires” is often about managers that seem to be running around because planning didnt occur, says Liz Cosline, a life ownership coach.

11. “Take it to the next level.” Crystal Brown-Tatum, a public relations consultant, wrote: “I cringe when I hear this phrase around the office or by consultants and coaches promising to take one to the next level! What is the current level and how does one quantify the ‘next’ level? What if you are comfortable at the level you are on, and doesn’t this assume you are not at the highest level?”

12. “Think out of the box,” as submitted by Josh Kotlar, founder of MyOfficeHelper.com, a Web design and marketing firm in New York. “I simply do not agree with the idea behind it,” Kotlar wrote. “Sometimes, being creative entails an improvement of something that has already been used and succeeded. I do not think that one needs to always do things that are out of the ordinary in order to have a successful campaign or project. I prefer the term ‘think creatively.’”

As public relations consultant Jen Olewinski put it, “What box? There is a box? Who decides what is inside or outside the box? It makes no sense and is so overused in the creative and PR fields, and probably in every industry as well.”

13. “Passion.” As someone who is in the entrepreunerial business world, Robin Barr, president and product inventor at ColdlSoresBegone.com, says he hears again and again the use of the word “passion.” “To succeed, you must feel passionate about what you do,” or “The passion I feel for selling garden sprinklers gets me through the rough spots.”

“Don’t get me wrong — like any word used in a new way, its always interesting for a short while,” Barr wrote. “Then people get lazy and use it repeatedly rather than communicating with original thought. In my mind, it effects their credibility.”

14. “Going forward,” which Sally Treadwell of Boone, N.C., describes as “often used as a whitewashing weasel phrase.” As in “Going forward, our company’s policies will be changed to better reflect our changing customer dynamics.” Treadwell said she took that to mean: “The past is past and we don’t want to talk about it, because you might realize that we have some liability. So I’m going to dazzle you with the future. The future! Look! Aren’t you excited to be part of it?”

15. “Heads-up.” The first few times that author Michael Jackson Smith was given a heads-up, he said he “didn’t know whether to run or to hit the ground. I wanted to tell my boss to speak English.”

16. “Bandwidth,” as in “I just don’t have the bandwith to deal with this right now,” because in the time it takes to say it, the person took up more “bandwith” than just saying “I’m sorry, I’m swamped,” as submitted by Janet Schultz, CEO of Organic Janet.

17. “Reach out,” as in “I’m just reaching out to you” or “Can you reach out to so and so?” Jill Mikols Etesse, creative director at Smarty Shortz in Washington, D.C., says she has banned the phrase from her company’s vocabulary. “I want to pull my hair out every time I hear it! Everyone we know says it; it is soo overused in every industry,” she writes.

18. “Piggy back,” as in “Yeah, so to piggy back off of what Jason just said…” Submitted by Kasey Woods, director of publicity and marketing at Digiwaxx Media, who says it sounds juvenile and forced.

19. “Team player.” Vivian Scott, author of ‘Conflict Resolution at Work for Dummies,’ wrote: “What in the world does that mean? It’s a terrible term that lets people in the workplace speak ill of each other without having to provide any evidence. And, because it’s so vague, anyone being accused of ‘not’ being a team player hasn’t a clue what it is he’s supposed to do to correct the problem.”

20. “I’ll get back to you.” Sure you will, says Barney Greenbaum, a franchise business consultant in Ohio.

21. “Game changer,” which Todd Brabender of Spread The News PR, Inc., found to be full of hyperbole from a client who brought a marketer onto a product launch campaign and insisted on incessantly using “game changing” or “game changer.” His example: “It will be a real game changer for us is if we can convince people that we are best of breed and state of the art — that will be game changing!”

22. “Out of pocket,” as in, “I’ll be out of pocket all next week so let’s circle back about this project in two weeks.” Dana Marlowe, president of Accessibility Partners, said the phrase for being unavailable is overdone and ridiculous.

23. “Enterprise risk management.” It’s used often at insurance and other financial services, and means nothing at all but is used to mean things as varied as “shopping for an insurance policy,” “managing an investment portfolio to achieve stable returns,” “improving plant safety,” or “acquiring a competitor,” said Eli Lehrer of the Heartland Institute.

24. “Actionable item.” Anything that needs to be done at work is an “actionable item,” so why use silly jargon to emphasize the obvious, wonders Rease Kirchner, a travel adviser in Buenos Aires, Argentina, who heard this buzzword too often as a marketing analyst in St. Louis, Mo.

25. “Negative growth.” Carol Heiberger, a consultant and entrepreneur in Philadelphia who has written a dictionary defining business terms in plain English, has found the offensive phrase in a letter to shareholders from a CEO. What it really means is that revenues are down. Maybe that CEO, and others, could use Heiberger’s dictionary.

“When faced with two choices, simply toss a coin.   It works not because it settles the question (or the conflict) for you, but because of that brief moment when the coin is in the air, you suddenly know what you are hoping for.”

When asked how they’ll fund multiplying  today’s lifestyle by two, responses range from, “Well, he’s just going to have to figure that out,” to “I’m not the one who wants this, so why should I have to change anything” to a whole host of reasons why cutting any line item in the budget is unthinkable and would seriously harm the children.  These answers help me as a mediator understand some of the underlying issues involved, but they don’t answer the funding question and they certainly don’t help the couple see that the math just doesn’t add up. 

Changing your lifestyle is a very real result of changing your relationship status and even though arithmetic is supposed to be pretty cut and dried, discussing the math of divorce is one of the most emotional discussions separating couples will have.  My wish for these clients is that they find a way to see the bigger picture.  Being too close to the forest to see the trees makes people argue over the crockpot, fight for things they don’t even want, and spend tens of thousands of dollars battling over a house that’s in foreclosure.

As a neutral facilitator I try to help individuals see themselves separate and apart from their things.  I encourage them instead to focus on the intangibles they find important like peace of mind and joy.  In the course of the conversation they may come to realize that keeping the DVDs no one listens to anymore doesn’t really give them the satisfaction they seek.  I know it’s hard to let go (quite frankly, I’ve had to do it myself), but letting go of things in exchange for holding on to or getting back to one’s real values is actually trading up.  Besides that, staying stuck in a fight over the portable basketball hoop as a means to hurt the other person rarely works (see previous blog on forgiveness!).

Rather than have an open dialogue about the points we think make sense and the ones we’re not so crazy about, we force each other to take an all or nothing position.  I wish we could get better about the way we discuss politics and allow each other the opportunity to have a few doubts without jumping in to say, “Aha, see!  My side is right!”

I recently heard about a woman who joined a gym she couldn’t afford and purged her cupboards of all junk food in support of her best friend who said she needed help losing a considerable amount of weight that was causing her serious health problems.  After being the sole participant at numerous workout sessions and seeing her overweight friend’s poor eating habits continue, the woman finally faced the reality that she was the only one truly committed to the goal.  The realization caused quite a conflict between the two and the woman ultimately isolated herself from her friend.

There’s probably a pretty good chance you’ve been sucked in a time or two (or three or four) by a similar situation.  You listen to someone share her problems, you get involved in her tales of woe, and the next thing you know you’re jumping through hoops to fix things on her behalf.   Then, you slowly start to figure out that you’re the head cheerleader for a team that has no intention of winning – and that your friend is actually working againstyou.  Gah! 

Maybe the problem in these situations is that there’s a difference between a person who would “like something to happen” and the individual who really “wants” to reach a goal. 

Like = talk. 

Want = action (and by action I mean willing to do EVERYTHING it takes to reach the goal). 

Most of us start with talk and move into action later so it’s okay to be in the “like for it to happen” mode for a while because we need to consider all our options, clarify what it is we really want, etc.  However, if you believe someone is in the “want” stage when they’re really in the “like” stage, you may end up with a huge problem between the two of you.  Rather than walk away in frustration like the woman in the example or end up resenting the other person for not putting in enough effort try adjusting your efforts.

Tell the other person that you think there’s a difference between “like” and “want” and that you believe she might be in the “like” stage.  Let her know that when she’s ready (if ever) to move into doing what it takes to make her goal come to fruition, you’ll jump back on board and match her efforts.  Then focus your energy on the part of the relationship with her that you enjoy and when she starts talking about the thing she’d “like to see happen”, listen politely, do a lot of self-talk to avoid being sucked back in, and get on with achieving your own goals.