You know that being an employee isn’t always easy so just imagine what it’s like to be the poor shmuck stuck between the higher ups and those she manages.  Often she’s damned if she does and then damned if she doesn’t.  There’s no pleasing everyone all the time, right?  Even so, there are middle managers who do some pretty ineffective things that chip away at their reputations as leaders.  For example:

Blames the team.  When called on the carpet for lost sales or poor performance, blaming the team only makes the manager look ridiculous.  If the group of people you’re managing is so awful, what are you doing with them?  Where’s your executive ability?  Sure, if you’re being raked over the goals in the first quarter after taking over a new job, go ahead and explain how the existing staff may not be the right folks for the goal; but be sure to talk about how you’ll remedy the situation so you can showcase your strategic abilities rather than highlighting your bruised ego.

Never admits mistakes.  You’re not fooling anyone when you defend a mistake on your part; no matter how enthusiastically you argue.  You’re wrong and everyone knows it.  Admit it, own it, and then share your plan not to repeat the blunder.  Taking ownership quickly and with a good plan to cure the mishap makes you look smart and professional.  Plus, it moves people off the topic of your faults and onto something else.

Gives power and then retracts it.  Telling the team that they’re empowered to do their jobs in the way they see fit feels great in the moment. Cheers erupt and everyone stops by to say how grateful they are for the freedom.  Then the other shoe drops when they realize you didn’t really mean it.  You made it sound like all decisions are up to them when, in fact, only certain aspects of the project or work day activities are in the “anything goes” category because, let’s face it, you have a boss, too.  Being clear about your need to troubleshoot or manage quality control is much better than saying “you decide” and then changing the decision.

When you feel like yelling, “Liar!” try responding with:

• I had a different experience.
• What I saw from my perspective may not be what you saw from yours.
• I have a different recollection of that.
• I was told something else.

When you want to shout, “Shut up already!” calmly say:

• You may not realize that you’ve said that already…what can I do to signal I’ve heard you?
• I really need to get a complete thought out; are you okay with hearing me out?
• You may not be aware that every time we talk you bring that up.
• To each his own!

When you’re ready to let loose with a big “You’re crazy!” change it up with:

• I don’t think we share the same feelings on this one.
• I respectfully disagree and that’s okay.
• It sounds like we’re both pretty entrenched in our points of view.

When you don’t respond to my acknowledgement of your existence it makes me think you’re a jerk.  That’s probably not fair of me, but I think it anyway.  I try to give you the benefit of the doubt and wonder if you didn’t hear me or if your mind is in another place, but it doesn’t always work.  I can’t help but extend your rudeness to the rest of society and wonder what’s wrong with us.  How have we become so isolated or so self-important or so paranoid or whatever it is that we can’t even return smile?  Then, I let your dismissal rub me like sandpaper and feel myself sliding into a bad mood unless I make a conscious effort not to do so.

This is my plea for you not to ruin my, or anyone else’s, day by ignoring a pleasant greeting.  In return, if you’re craning your neck so hard you’re on the verge of whiplash while you attempt to avoid acknowledging my existence, I promise to walk by as if you really are as invisible as you’d like me to believe.

The last gzillion months have been like that in my house over the washing machine.  Apropos, don’t you think?  It started with me mentioning that the unit works fine if you have a full load but if there are just a few items, it won’t drain and stops mid-cycle.  My man, who can fix anything by the way, took a look at it and I could tell immediately this wasn’t going to end well.  He didn’t repair it right away, though he did move a bunch of tools into the laundry room and stack them neatly on the counter—where they’ve stayed for, well, a gzillion months.

I used my mediator magic to keep the conversations positive, to ask for realistic deadlines, to seek out information that was standing in the way (e.g. user manuals, advice from experts, etc.) and still I was wringing out the new red t-shirt and my hand-wash-only unmentionables.  Finally, I decided to face reality.  Clearly, my Superman is not chomping at the bit to resolve this issue and, clearly, this issue isn’t something I’m willing to end our relationship over, so the appliance repairman is coming this afternoon.  It’s time we end the cycle (pun intended).

We all know that lies of omission come with the standard betrayal and disappointment found with other types of untruths, but I’ve come to the conclusion that the added elements specific to omissions are what irk me the most.  First, there are the ridiculous attempts at rationalization like, “You never asked me, so I never told you” and “Well, I didn’t said I didn’t do it.”  What?!?  That’s some serious self-absolving going on there.

Then there’s the thought that what I don’t know won’t hurt me.  Again…what?!?  Newsflash: I will find out and it will hurt me.  I’ll be embarrassed that I thought one thing and that you (and perhaps others) knew otherwise.  I operated as if you were telling the truth and you weren’t; and that’s wrong.  Whether you set out to humiliate me or not, I will feel stupid at having believed something other than the truth.  I don’t like feeling hoodwinked.

Finally, lies of omission erode my trust in you because I now think you are one sly, sneaky, master of deceit.  Maybe you’re not; but I now think that.  It will be difficult for me to consider your name and the word trustworthy in the same sentence ever again.  And, that makes me sad.

I get that lies of omission can start out innocent (enough) because you didn’t speak up in that split second you may have had to come clean.   Then time and circumstances turn the tidbit into an animal that you feel you can no longer corral.  I also get that it takes a big person to reel in the fish story, but maybe by reading this you’ll feel inspired to do just that.  If you’ve got one or two or more lies of omission floating around out there, please take the time to set the record straight.  Please.

My Dad was an old guy—87 years old—who, because of a severe health condition should have been gone a long time ago.  For some reason I always thought he would live into his 90s and I would get a call one day that he didn’t come down for breakfast and, having passed at some point during the night, was found by a staffer who went to check on him.  That’s not what happened.

Daddy-O went from chatting it up on a Sunday to being admitted to critical care on Monday night, then transferring to hospice on Thursday.  The one thing I know for sure about this group I call family is that we are individuals and each of us needed something different from the experience.  Family came from all over to say goodbye, settle their scores, support one another, and have a few fights along the way.  Then Dad passed a week later and we fell apart.  Big fights (and I mean big!) ensued.  Some of us wanted to keep anything and everything in Dad’s apartment and some simply wanted to savor their memories.  Some jumped in to plan his funeral while others left town to grieve on their own.  We were emotionally all over the place and didn’t make much room for our differences.

For whatever reason, any skill I have in resolving problems went out the window at the most crucial times.  I did a pretty good job calming issues between others but when it came to bombs thrown in my foxhole, I lobbed them right back.  Ouch.  I did, however, get it together and calmed myself enough to participate in mending fences.  But, the experience brought to light that even the most supportive families fight, spit, and yell at the most inopportune times.  The good news is, we’re working through it and will get past it.  The bad news is, we harmed one another.

We’re sorry, Dad, that we broke our promise not to fight.  However, we’re not sorry that we learned from the experience and that we’re slowly coming together as a family that you would have wanted.

1)      Be the first to reach out.  It’s time to end that icy standoff and if you reach out to say so, you may be surprised with the response.  I’m not saying you have to say all is forgiven, but at least not having bad vibes floating around in the universe should give you some peace.  Briefly state that you’d like to resolve the tension, state where you think you could have handled things better, and then move on.

2)      Be mindful of what you say (and how you say it).  Don’t lose your ability to call it like it is; instead choose your words carefully.  “I’m concerned you’re not seeing the risk in this” is better than blurting out, “What an idiotic move!”

3)       Ask for what you need.  Rather than stewing about the fact that your partner isn’t reading your mind, tell her what you need.  Sift through your list beforehand so you’re not delivering an overabundance of demands.  Decide what’s most important and have a meaningful discussion about one or two items.

4)      Say you’re sorry.  Simply put, get rid of the “yeah, but you…”-type responses and admit your shortcomings faster, quicker, and better.  If you need the other person to apologize for a specific action, ask for that—but only after you’ve delivered a sincere regret.

5)      Say no.  This may seem a little out of place here, but simply saying no upfront to certain requests will keep you out of the doghouse later.  If you don’t intend to meet the deadline, provide the funding, or meet at six o’clock, don’t agree to it!

6)      Find a place for your anger.  I often ask clients if there’s enough hurt, harm, or public embarrassment that could be bestowed on the other person to make their own anger or hurt disappear.  There isn’t.  So, try to find a place for it and then, as much as possible, leave it there.  I often visualize packing up the “stuff” from others in a cart (okay, it’s a little red wagon) that I then pull to an imaginary sidewalk that doesn’t belong to anyone.  I leave the stuff there with the notion that it no longer belongs to me and that it’s not important to me for the other person to own it.  It is what it is and it’s no longer something I’m dragging around.

7)      Let go of needing to know why.  Of course you should get in the habit of asking good, open-ended questions or inviting the other person to help you understand their perspective, but once they’ve tried and you still don’t get it, it’s okay to stop.  If you never know why, then what will you do?  It’s silly to think that “why” stands in the way of you moving on.

8)      Focus on what’s good; build from there.  Is there anything about your relationship with the other person that works?  Find the common ground and work to make the most of it.

9)      Say yes.  Everything doesn’t need to be an argument!  Did you do it?  Yes.  Are you willing to listen to someone else’s idea?  Yes.  Can you try it his way without sabotaging?  Yes.

10)   Stop talking about it.  Conflicts are what we engage in, they are not what define us.  Refrain from giving the problem so much energy.  Plus, it may come as a surprise that people really are tired of hearing about it.  Venting is great but there’s a fine line between getting it all out and becoming obsessed.

11)   Consider the other person’s point of view (whether you believe it to be true or not).  I don’t have to agree with you to understand you.  For instance, I’ve been dealing with individuals who are struggling with addiction.  Do they think the way I do or do they do what’s best for them?  Heck no.  But, I understand their addiction has a louder voice than that of reason.  On a less dramatic note, it’s not that difficult in a small understanding to see how the other person could think you were up to no good.  And, their thoughts have a lot to do with the amount of and manner in which information is communicated.  Just sayin’.

12)   Smile.  This one is more on the side of reducing conflict.  Think about your demeanor and the message it sends.  Are you the crab apple at the grocery store or the person who can’t even conjure up a grunt in the hallway when you pass others?  If you’re only going to change one thing about the way you interact with people, this would be it.  Greet others with open body language, a smile, and a friendly hello and you can head-off all sorts of trouble.

13)   Don’t start it in the first place.  Oftentimes we are the ones who cause our own issues (though, I admit, we like to blame others first).  Is it really that big of a deal that Sue always uses your stapler or that your kids load the dishwasher from left to the right when everyone knows it should be loaded the other way?  Maybe it is; and you should ask for what you want.  But, if those little irritants continue, make sure you keep them in the little irritant category and not move them into full-blown conflicts.

I don’t have to scale Mt. Everest if I don’t want to.  I created a mini bucket list and stuck to it…even if other people thought some of my to-do items were lame.  I decided that waiting for that elusive “someday” to roll around is no longer acceptable to me so I did things like watch Casablanca all the way through, planted a butterfly bush, and ate biscuits at Lady & Sons in Savannah.

It’s okay to hide, block, or unfriend people on Facebook.  Of course the election played a big part in that realization for a lot of us, but I also became conscious of the fact that I don’t need to provide an audience for the negative Nellies, racist, bigots, or anyone I know who is struggling with addiction or mental illness.  Let folks do their thing, wish them well, and move on.

My Dad is smart.  My soon-to-be 87 year old father blows me away with his ability to assess behavior and motive in others without getting caught up in the drama or unnecessary details.  He’s also a really smart guy when it comes to making room for the rights of others because, according to him, you never know if you’ll end up in a category of person others want to discriminate against.  A lot of people his age have become so narrow in their thinking that when Dad shares philosophy like this it makes me think his brain is huge!

Good health trumps little irritants.  My partner experienced an out-of-the-blue health scare that put a lot of things in perspective for me.  ‘Nuff said.

Actions speak louder than words:  An extended family member had a premature baby who tested positive for drugs.  Child protective services stepped in and began a search for a relative who would care for the child.  Of course I said no—I’m too old and I had a nice little life doing what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it.  Why would I say yes?!  Long, long story short, my partner and I started from a place of no and ended up realizing we had no good reason not to help this little guy.  Baby smiles are a great way to start the day.

Focusing on the positive rather than on the negative isn’t as hard as I thought:  See above.

We’ve all dealt with people who have plenty of excuses about others.  Add in some victim-like speak and you have blame shifting at its best.  But that’s not what I’m talking about here.  What I am talking about is how the other person responds and how that response can morph them from being the innocent bystander to the one with the gigantic spotlight focused squarely on them.  Oops!

When one over-reacts, refuses to talk, goes around/over/behind the chain of command, or flails around like a five-year-old, they run the risk of making themselves the problem and shifting the focus of attention.  In the blink of an eye you can go from minding your own business to having the powers that be all up in your business.  So, how do you avoid such a thing?  Do the opposite of overreacting, refusing to talk, or flailing around.  Show concern for any issues (no matter who brings them) and talk the situation through in a way that keeps the spotlight aimed in the other direction.  Then, move on in the shadows until the light shines on you for the right reasons (like for your amazing ability to handle conflict!).

Shopping during the holidays can be a real nightmare.   Facing parking lots jammed with cars, performing complicated search and rescue efforts to find an available cart, and approaching aisles with your best obstacle course strategies can cause even the most happy-go-lucky holiday shopper to start up a conflict with any stranger who dares cross his path.  Delivering an emotionally-charged snarky remark while juggling the sweater you’re buying for Nana doesn’t say much about your ability to spread joy or share in the holiday spirit.

I can’t tell you how to manage every potential conflict you’ll face in the next month or so, but I can pass on a few tips retail workers have shared with me.  Of course, I’ve added my own two cents worth on the subject and hope there’s something in here that will help you keep your cool this season.

1)      Minimize the material and maximize the experience:  What I mean by that is limit the amount of “stuff” you buy and, instead, think about experiences you can share with your family and friends.  Throwing a potluck or hosting a game night will deliver a much better experience than being angry with those around you as you wait in line after line after line spending money you don’t have.

2)      Shop on-line:  Avoid the lines (and the other crabby people!) by hitting up your favorite stores’ websites.  Check out promotion sites to find deals on price discounts, free shipping, and the like.  Words of caution, though; make sure you’re carving out uninterrupted computer time so you steer clear of fighting with the family when they “just won’t leave you alone.”  Also, practice scanning Internet deals quickly to avoid getting to the checkout page only to discover the discount you’re counting on doesn’t apply to the items in your shopping cart.

3)      Use parking lots as personal training sessions:  Why get worked up when you can work out? Use the back entrance and take the first spot you see.  Walk the extra distance to the front door with a smile on your face and daydream about what you’ll do with all the extra time you’ve given yourself by not circling the same aisles over and over.  Unless you need to build your demolition derby skills, let the other shoppers duke it out, honk their horns, and yell obscenities.

4)      Shop the little guy:  I called a warehouse store to ask if they had any tips on avoiding shopper conflicts and the person who answered the phone said, “Don’t shop here.”  Good point.  If crowds, long lines, and oversized carts bumping into the back of your heels make you mad, shop at smaller stores that offer fewer items to fewer customers.

5)      Plan to be patient:  No matter what anyone else does, have control over your own emotions and reactions.  Prepare yourself to take a “we’re in this together” attitude whenever possible.  If the cashier is rude, empathetically ask if she’s having a rough day.  She’ll probably appreciate your interest and lighten up for the next guy.  Smile at everyone even if—and especially when—they don’t return the gesture.

My local grocery store manager said that for the most part, holiday shoppers and retail employees are a cheerful bunch.  His staff actually notices that most of their patrons display quite a bit of holiday spirit even when they’re stressed and tired.  He said that the happiest customers are the ones who have paid attention to the ads (which are timed to coincide with shopper habits) and are completing their lists with time to spare.   He hinted that the best time to grocery shop is before 11:00 a.m. when most of the staff is in, the departments are fully stocked, and there are fewer customers to contend with.  He also said that a shopper shouldn’t wait until late afternoon the day before an event to rush around the store and then get angry with a cashier who’s helping another customer count out change.  I don’t know about you, but I think that’s a pretty good piece of advice for any time of the year.

A few days after seeing the film I read an article about two of the Americans involved.  They said that even though they were horribly nervous and afraid during their ordeal, what actually took place at the airport was nothing as dramatic as what is portrayed in the movie.  In fact, the truth is a bit of a yawner.

As I read the article, I realized that the way in which my mediation clients talk about conflict is often more in line with a Hollywood script than it is with the potentially boring truth.  It seems to play to the audience better if one uses the phrase “attacked me” rather than “snapped at me.”   Or, when I ask someone what they think may be behind a co-worker’s behavior, I almost always get an answer that implies some sort of complicated, sinister plot rather than a thoughtful reply with a less exciting explanation.  My daughter and I have an inside joke that whenever one’s story begins with, “There I was, just minding my own business…” you know the description of the evil villain is coming sooner rather than later.

I’m not saying I’m above telling stories with a little Hollywood flair, because, well, I’m not.  I’m working hard at being mindful of the picture I paint, though, and I’m getting pretty good at editing my version of what happened.  Still, some days I just need to shout, “Cue the crescendo!”

Sometimes the only way to get a message across is to speak; to use words over actions.  If you’re holding back and expecting your actions to speak for you, doesn’t it make sense that the real issues aren’t being discussed?  When problems persist I know that’s a sign that it’s time to say what I need to say—everything I need to say.

If you have a lingering problem with someone, chances are you haven’t let it all out.  Be mindful, be kind, but have the entire discussion; not just the part where you say only half of what you need to say and expect your actions to make up for the unspoken part.  If you’re still unable to resolve the issue, feel free to revert back to letting your actions speak for you…walk away, rise above, and get on with the good stuff.

We’ve had to do a whole lot of thinking about some of the political let’s-be kind-and-call-them-arguments we’ve come across this summer.  More than a few times, we scrolled through comments that were all diatribe and provocation until all we could do was snap at our computer screens: Stop it.  Stop it!!  Stop the insults, the abuse, the viciousness.  As you’d expect, nothing happened.

 
Finally, to our big relief (and kind of surprise), we settled into acceptance.  People will do what people will do, even if we think they ought to do something else. Then it occurred to us: maybe this is a kind of gift.  Maybe we’re supposed to lose it, go ballistic, be crazy judgmental, vengeful and awful.  Maybe we’ve got to see our lesser selves before we get the message – loud, clear and in no uncertain terms.  Our lesser selves are lesser in every way.

 
Our lesser selves are ugly and, as big and monster-like as we feel when we’re letting loose with them, they make us small. Our lesser selves are the parts of us we get to regret. They give us the chance to ask for forgiveness for doing and saying and thinking things that are really crappy.  Unfair.  Diminishing.  The whole experience of being our lesser selves is humbling.
Once we thought that, we forged on (because that’s just how we are) and wondered about our middle selves.

 
It’s hard, if not impossible, being our best selves all the time.  Okay, or most of the time.  We have so many things bugging us, so many people clearly asking for our opinion and judgment.  Why, after all, do they have to dress like that? Talk that way? Buy that stuff we’d never buy? Go there? Have that haircut? Read those books? Watch those movies? Laugh so loudly? Interrupt so often? Park that way, vote that way, believe that way?  Sigh.  Yes. There are so many people.  And that’s the point.  We don’t like believing it, but they’re figuring out stuff, too.  All the stuff we’re wrestling with? So are they.

 
Not everyone, you say drily. There are some real dopes out there and they’re not trying to do good, be good, grow or learn.   That might be true.  That might be not true (although it probably is).  Whichever it is, whatever those other people are doing, has got nothing to do with being our own best selves. (Told you we thought about this, looking for a loophole, wishing pretty hard there was one.)

It’s easy to snuggle into the middle, being our okay, not-too-bad selves.  The middle self is the optimal position. The middle self is accepted everywhere.

That’s all the reason we need for staying put, isn’t it? It’s the story most others recognize, that we recognize in others.  It’s the story that will get us sympathizers and allies and party invitations. (How many angels are known for their hilarious antics and withering sarcasm, hm?)

Let’s just be honest.  Being accepted is one thing.  Accepting the world and still imagining with all our heart and mind a brighter, beautiful future is something else.
That’s what we think today.  And you?

One of the most important skills employers look for is the ability to problem solve.  Knowing how to approach a problem—any problem—is a talent management values.  If an employee is able to take a personal reaction out of a messy situation and instead define, investigate, and resolve an issue with a level head, their manager will notice and reward them for the approach.

Showing your trustworthiness is always a good idea.  Saying what you mean and meaning what you say as well as doing what you’ve said you’re going to do will earn you high marks with management.  Under- or over-stating your abilities, the available resources, or the team’s capacity will get you into trouble.  Instead, tell it like it is when it comes to making commitments based on skill and resources and your boss will know that she can trust what you say in other areas as well.

Believe it or not, employers actually value opinions. What matters to the boss, though, is in how that opinion is delivered.  Pointing out everything that’s wrong without providing solutions (notice there’s an “s” on the end of solution) isn’t what he’s looking for.  He wants to see that your opinion considers the bigger picture and demonstrates a desire to make positive changes within the confines of available resources.

And, finally, attitude is everything.  Employers have enough to think about without having to deal with sad saps and complainers.  Coming in every day with the best of intentions and demonstrating that you’re happy to be there gets you noticed.  It’s not unusual for a lesser qualified person to be promoted over a peer with a great resume simply based on attitude.  Show that you’re up for any job by smiling, graciously accepting performance critiques, and demonstrating a willingness to learn more about not only the tasks at hand but those beyond your current responsibilities.

The Dirty Dozen: 12 Behaviors that Cause Conflict (and what to do about them).  This webinar gets to the point really quickly, so from start-to-finish it’s under an hour.  Everything from micromanaging to dishonesty is addressed.  You’ll get a little bit of theory and you’ll get a whole lot of practical advice, too!

Employee Conflict Resolution: the Basics.  This webinar was created for any individual in any size organization who is interested in understanding, and doing something about, conflict on the job.  The entire program takes about an hour so you can get back to work and put what you’ve learned into practice the same day!

Okay, now back to our regularly scheduled program.

The most obvious place to start is simply with your general demeanor. Remembering common courtesies like saying good morning and acknowledging everyone you see at the community mailbox can go a long way in how others view you; and whether they’re interested in knowing more about you.  Letting others know that you’re open to more than a friendly wave or head nod opens the door for more.

Practice extending common courtesies into open-ended conversation starters. For instance, rather than just saying, “Good morning” or “How was your weekend”, try to elicit a response that goes beyond one or two words. Ask what the highlight of their weekend was and then ask a few questions related to the reply. If time allows, share a brief story of your highlight. It may feel strange at first, but keep in mind that relationships are built on the mundane.

If you find that you have a particularly strained relationship or you got off on the wrong foot with someone, be careful not to talk too much about it with others. Asking another person to take your side or participating in any form of gossip rarely ends well and can create some pretty solid boundary lines that are hard to erase. It will be difficult for you to build a closer relationship with a PTA committee member if he knows you’ve spoken poorly of him to other parents.

If you’re trying to build better relationships on the job (paid or volunteer) look for ways to create cross-departmental work groups. Even if there are no work projects to focus on, there are always opportunities to create task forces on building safety, employee morale, or even the holiday committee. Offer up help without looking too eager wherever and whenever you can.

Last but not least, offer unsolicited, but sincere, bits of praise to others. If you can make people feel good about how you view them, they’re more apt to feel good about you and reciprocate the goodwill.

To get the meter to stick clearly on the nice side someone has to do what we want them to do, when we want them to do it, and they can rarely complain about anything.  They will stay on the nice end of the spectrum if they make us feel good about ourselves.  And, it’s a bonus if they almost always put us first and make personal sacrifices in order for us to get what we want.

On the other end of the meter is the naughty spectrum. It’s easy to say someone “isn’t very nice” if they tell us no, if they don’t go along with our plans, or when they see things from a viewpoint that frustrates us.  People are naughty if they make us feel bad when we’re around them.  Anyone can accomplish getting our naughty meter to ring loudly if they toss a barb or two our way, point out our flaws (real or imagined), or lie to us.  Santa wouldn’t appreciate that kind of behavior and neither does the naughty or nice meter in all of us.

What this all boils down to is that a nice or naughty meter is an internal mechanism that measures how much we trust a person has our back.  If you say what you mean and you mean what you say; and then you do what you said you’re going to do, we trust you and think you’re nice.  When you take our feelings into consideration each and every time you talk to or about us, even if you’re telling us something you know we won’t like, we still think you’re nice.  If you disagree with us without being disagreeable, we trust that you care; we presume that you’re nice.

If we can’t trust you to tell us the truth, or if you appear to be unconcerned about the impact your words or actions have on us, well, then you’re just naughty. Obviously immoral and illegal things are naughty, but on an interpersonal level we often put lesser considerations into our nice or naughty meters.  If you overstate your abilities; if you boast, brag, or talk only about yourself, that’s not nice.  There doesn’t seem to be an awful lot of middle ground with these things because often anything that’s “not nice” hits squarely on the naughty end of the meter.

Santa’s meter may be much simpler than our nice or naughty meters; we are complicated beings after all and the way in which we measure such things can be as complex and unique as we are.  The one thing we do have in common with the jolly old sort, though, is that we often wish we were all nicer more than we are naughty.  Let’s work on that.

Idea theft can put you in an awkward position.  How do you take back ownership of your intellectual property without looking like a toddler grabbing back her favorite teddy bear from a kid on the playground?  I like to start by treating the act much like I would if I suspected my friend’s husband was cheating on her.  You could do the same.  Go to the person you believe has hijacked your idea and start the conversation by saying you’re just checking on something.  Then outline the events that have caused you to believe the person took credit for your idea.  Be open to the possibility that you have misinterpreted what’s happened so ask a question like, “From your perspective, how was that idea generated?” followed by, “Do you remember us talking about it in my office?”  If he tells a different story, say something like, “Maybe we’re remembering it differently” and then share your recollection.  The purpose of asking the questions and sharing your perspective is to create the space for the person to talk openly about what happened without getting defensive.

After you’ve completed the fact-finding phase, clearly state your expectations moving forward.  For example, state, “In the future I’d like any ideas we discuss together to be presented together.  As far as this instance goes, I’d like you to let (whomever) know that this was my idea.  You can do that on your own, we can do it together, or I can do it on my own.  Which would you prefer?”  If you end up doing it on your own, avoid sounding like a tattletale.  Go to your boss and say you’d like his advice on how to handle something.  Briefly go over the events and say that how the idea was presented was surprising to you.  Ask, “How should I deal with this so that I’m setting good boundaries but not upsetting the group dynamics?”

And, speaking of bosses, what if the idea thief is your boss?  Admittedly, that’s a little trickier than dealing with a coworker, so start by deciding if it’s worth it to you to say something at all.  Is this the first time he’s taken credit for your plan?  Is it a somewhat small idea?  Could it have been an oversight on his part?  If the answer is yes, make a mental note and see if it happens again.  Then, wait a bit to see how thing unfold.  Your boss may still have plans that include you so see if she’s going to ask you to take the lead, share your idea with the group, or take an active role in determining next steps.  Again, make a mental note and watch the path the idea takes.

If your boss misses opportunities to give you credit or fails to acknowledge your contribution in other ways, do a few things differently moving forward.  Share any ideas you have with an audience and ask how the idea will be shared with others.  Saying something like, “Would you like me to present the idea or provide a few slides for when you share my idea with everyone?” sends the message that you’re making note of the fact that this is your idea and you have an expectation that she will include you in the opening credits.  You can even try something a little more lighthearted to make your point by saying, “I’m making a note of this so that if the idea gets used, I can add it to the plus side of my review!”

If you’ve decided that you’re okay addressing the issue with your worth boss, a private conversation is the only way to go.  Start by letting him know that you’re excited the idea was used, that you had hoped your name would have been mentioned, and that you were disappointed when that didn’t happen.  Then shut up!  Give him space to respond and keep the door open to talk about how the two of you will handle similar situations in the future.

Let your boss know about what motivates you (recognition, job security, job growth, responsibility).  Let him know that you believe your job is to make him look good while building your own career.  Ask if, in the future, there could be a way for him to present ideas that reflect well on both your reputations.

Finally, keep in mind that ideas in the workplace don’t necessary belong to us.  There’s a balance between doing what’s right for the company and doing what’s right for you as an individual.  And, because of that you should never gossip about the situation to others, keep good ideas only to yourself, or become really angry at others you think are treading on your territory.  Trying to hurt the organization almost always ends up hurting you and your reputation—and that’s not an original idea on my part at all!

This article was written by Bronnie Ware,  who has worked with a countless number of patients who are sadly seeing their last days on earth. When Bronnie had questioned the patients about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five:

The Top 5 Regrets

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.  This was the most common regret of all. When people realize that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people have had not honored even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.  It is very important to try and honor at least some of your dreams along the way.

2. I wish I didn’t work so hard – This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship.

Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.  By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.

3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings – Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.

As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming.  We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends – Often they would not truly realize the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.   Many did not realize until the end that happiness is a choice.  They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.  When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying.

I love a dramatic film as much as the next guy but when it comes to resolving conflict, I know I need to set my desire for a good story aside and focus on what’s real.  With that said, we’ve probably all had coworkers who like to make even the most mundane topics sound intriguing and captivating.  As long as you know that about them, don’t get too worked up when they want to send out those “I know something you don’t know” messages.  If what you’re experiencing goes beyond that, address your concerns privately and give the person an opportunity to let you know if they’re in a position to share information.  Accept that sometimes people are sworn to secrecy for a certain amount of time or that they may be in the “thinking” stages and need to explore a number of options before making an announcement.

Withholding information is one thing; one’s words not matching one’s actions is another.   We’ve all had occasion to feel blindsided, disrespected, or embarrassed because we took someone at their word and then something else actually happened.  When you find that someone has been less than honest give them a (private) opportunity to explain what happened.  Our sense that someone didn’t tell the truth isn’t always accurate, so certainly give people the benefit of the doubt.  If it turns out that your suspicions are true, let the person know that you expect more and that you’re willing to work on trusting them again.  Move forward with an agreement that it won’t happen again.

We’re all human and when you find yourself in a circumstance in which you’ve been less than honest or were unnecessarily closed off about particular information, make whatever apologies you need to make, come clean, and be better than that from here on out.  Keep in mind that you’re the star of your coworker’s mental movie, so work on creating a better ending.

If you’re experiencing push-back about your expectations, try a new approach.   Learn more about what’s involved in a process so you can break down the steps and then discuss the specific points that are causing the disagreements rather than getting into a back-and-forth about the entire project.  If you’re not comfortable starting from ground zero, let others tell you what is possible and negotiate from there.

If you feel a coworker or boss is asking you to do too much with too little, spend time planning (and practicing) how you’ll communicate your concerns without sounding like you’re whining or trying to get out of doing work.  Providing solutions that include prioritizing are always a good thing.  If you’re suggesting something should go to the compost pile, talk about both the downside and the upside for letting it go so you present yourself as seeing the big picture—not just advocating for your side.  And, of course, if there’s a better, smarter way to accomplish a task, be sure to share your ideas as neutral as possible.

There’s an old saying in business that says you can have things fast, good, and affordable.  Problem is, the best you can usually do is two out of three so decide which two are most important to you and go forward from there.  Fast and affordable may not be good; and fast and good will probably cost you more than you’d like to pay.  Expecting all three each and every time may be, well, unrealistic.

Rather than raging, hiding, or making yourself sick with anxiety, try processing your fear.  Get a piece of paper and write down everything that will be different.  Include things you’ll miss like people, tasks, or processes as well as aspects of the change that could potentially benefit you like networking with new people and tackling new tasks.  Begin to focus on the positive and let go of the past by asking questions with the understanding that not all the answers will be readily available.

If processing on your own doesn’t ease the fear, talk things out privately with a trusted confidante.  Be sure to avoid public, negative discussions and don’t participate in gossip.  Allow yourself a finite period of time in which to wallow in your anxiety (like the weekend) and then set an example by speaking positively about the change.  Talk about the silver lining for both you and your coworkers by giving examples of things you can now do that you couldn’t before.  If you can’t find the silver lining, start to craft solutions for potential problems.

If someone you know is struggling with change, ask them to find their own opportunities in the new normal.  Will they be able to spend more time with family or participate in their favorite outside activities?  Will the increased job responsibilities enhance their resume and better prepare them for a promotion?  Help them process their emotions by talking privately and letting them share what’s most upsetting about what’s happening.  Sometimes it’s not the actual change that’s distressing but the way in which it was communicated that causes a poor reaction.

Whatever the reason for being uncomfortable, finding the positive in the new normal as quickly as possible helps.  Sometimes the benefit is simply having a job in a bad economy.  There may be very little you can impact with the uncertainty, but your attitude and approach to the news is always 100% under your control.

#9 in our list of a Dozen Dirty Behaviors That Cause Conflict at Work is what happens when an employee relies too much on that helping hand and you’ve moved from aiding to rescuing.  Other employees can get upset especially when the rescuing is at their expense for an extended period of time or happens a little too often.

To be clear, covering up for someone or asking someone to cover up for you is not the same as covering (or rescuing).  Covering is a short term action like answering the phones when a coworker has an appointment outside the office or responding to customer emails while Cindy is on vacation.  Covering up is more than that; like keeping someone in a position that’s beyond his capabilities even with additional training and coaching.  That sort of rescuing isn’t doing him or his co-workers any favors.

If you’re covering up for a coworker, consider going to him and letting him know you think it’s time for him either to ask for whatever it is he needs to do his job properly—or  you will.  Talk to him about the benefit of having this out in the open like experiencing less stress or perhaps finding a job that better fits his skill set.  You can cut the cord with compassion and dignity if you put the focus on the benefit for him rather than talking about the fact that you can’t take it any longer.

If you’re the one others are rescuing, consider stepping up to acknowledge what’s happening and presenting a proposal to change things.  Admitting your shortcomings and asking management to work with you on a plan to improve may actually result in you getting better at your job than you thought possible.

Successful salespeople often close deals by first listening to their customer’s needs and then finding a way to respond with whatever it is they’re selling.  If you follow their lead by developing the habit of starting most conversations with an open-ended question you’re sure to learn what your coworkers are focused on, what’s important to them, or where you might add value.

Trying to get a word in edgewise, though, with a talker can be challenging.  When you have something to say but can’t find a place to jump in with your own thoughts, ask for the opportunity to do so.  “When you’re ready, I have some ideas I’d like to share” is a great way to say, “Please be quiet long enough for me to say something” without offending the other person.  Practice what you’ll say before you bring up ideas and then ask for uninterrupted time to deliver a succinct message.  Another strategy is to let the other person talk as much as he wants and at some point let him know that you have something to say when he’s finished.  While  he’s talking make sure you’re following good listening techniques so he knows you hear and understand his point of view.  Otherwise he may start repeating himself and you’re back to square one waiting for your turn to talk.  Avoid “fake listening” which is when you’ve pointed your face in the right direction but what’s coming in sounds more like Charlie Brown’s teacher’s “Wa, Wa, Wa” than it does something you could repeat for a pop quiz.  Maintain attentive eye contact—staring blankly in the other person’s direction is not attentive eye contact.

Listening more than you’re talking also includes showing you’re engaged by exhibiting open and receptive body language.  Nodding and sitting up will demonstrate your interest.  Take some notes for the purpose of reflecting back the information you’ve heard.  Bring your own notes so when it’s your turn to talk you know what you’d like to say rather than trying to keep on ongoing list in your head while the other person is talking; your notes will also help you avoid interrupting.

In any conversation, asking questions to clarify or gain better understanding is always a good thing.  A  good friend likes to remind me that we have two ears and one mouth in the right proportion; which is our clue to listen twice as much as we talk.

Welcome to #7 in the list of the Dirty Dozen Behaviors that Cause Problems at Work.

Today’s employers want staff who are problem-solvers.  Knowing that, you may have a tendency to want to jump in and fix something just so you can tell him about all the troubles you’ve averted.  If you rush in too quickly, though, you could make matters worse.

Taking a few minutes to ask some clarifying questions may be all it takes to understand the scope and depth of a problem.  The way in which you ask those questions matters in terms of enflaming or calming those around you.  Try to refrain from using any words, body language, or tone that can come across as accusatory or critical while you’re exploring all aspects of the event.  You’ll probably be tempted to ask “why” a lot so practice saying, “So, you did this because….” and then let the person finish the sentence.  I understand it’s really a “why” question in disguise but it’s an easier one to respond to.

Once you’ve explored the situation start eliciting ideas for a solution.  Get more than your initial idea on the table; yours may still be the best answer but having a number of possible resolutions allows for a strategic response versus something that may be seen as knee-jerk if it doesn’t work out.

To help others avoid rushing in to fix things when you bring a problem, be prepared with three solutions so the other person knows that you understand the scope and depth of the issue and that you’ve given serious thought about to how to fix it.  Only one idea makes you sound positional, two can come across as “either/or”, but three opens the door for discussion and, like I said, demonstrates that you understand what’s happening.

When should you apply these strategies?  Of course, if there’s a fire blazing in the hallway, by all means get the extinguisher and put it out.  However, learning that the date was left off the VIP invitation to the big seminar lends itself to at least a short discussion.

What do you think your boss means when she gives you an assignment and then adds, “When you get to it” as part of the instructions?  Does she mean to provide the final product by 3:30?  Maybe she wants it by Wednesday at noon?  Or, do you interpret her vagueness to mean never because you have other work to do? Conversely, if she says, “Make this is a priority” do you drop everything and work on the new task until it’s finished–even if you miss other deadlines?

Ambiguity about what’s needed, by when, and by whom is a common frustration in the workplace (it’s also a frustration at home but that’s another subject!).  If you work with someone who too often uses hazy, vague language or skims over the details, don’t be afraid to ask questions to bring things out of the fog.  Sometimes it’s helpful to put the questions in the form of a statement like, “This is a priority, so I’m going to drop the other projects until Thursday noon when this is due.”   When you do that you not only create clarity around the instruction but you also demonstrate for the other person how to give clear, precise instructions that leave little for misinterpretation.

Interpreting what someone wants can be as confusing as trying to interpret why they don’t just spell it out from the start.  Sometimes people leave out details because they’re busy or they think you already know the answer—and in today’s workplace that’s understandable.  Sometimes we leave out details because we’re concerned others will be upset or react poorly.  Whatever the reason, if you experience a coworker who is hesitant to give you all the information you need, you may have to ask pointed questions to help them tighten up their request.   Ask questions like, “Do you need this by 5:00?  By tomorrow morning at 7:00?  What’s your preference?” and so on until you’ve narrowed the field of potential options and have an agreement.  It may take a little practice and a few extra minutes getting all the details but it certainly beats an awkward situation in which one of you is trying to read between the lines and the other is hoping everything will just work out.

When it comes to how you deliver expectations practice being clear each and every time.  Say things like, “I would like you to complete an outline for the report and email it to me by 6:00 p.m. today.  I’ll read it over tonight and let you know what I think right after my morning meeting with Joe tomorrow.”  A statement like that leaves very little room for misunderstanding.  It also gives the other person the opportunity to negotiate something else so he doesn’t let you down when he doesn’t provide exactly what you needed.

If you’re the one feeling dismissed, be open to the reality that the way others react to your ideas may have something to do with your delivery.  Consider how you might come across more succinctly (think bullet points!) and get to the benefit of your idea quickly.  Actually, think about starting with it.  Saying something like, “We could raise our customer service rating by 10% if we…” is sure to grab attention faster than saving it for a big finish.

What if you’re the one who’s been accused of being dismissive or flip?  Try giving yourself an internal time limit before you speak—especially if the speaker wants to share a feeling or emotion about something.  Better yet, ask at least one question about whatever it is he’s saying before you consider whether his contribution is worth exploring or his concerns are valid.  “Tell me what makes you think that” or “What would be the benefit for trying that” are perfect (and quick) ways to help the speaker get to the point faster and avoid losing your attention.

#4: Over-Reacting

Some employees like to say, “Unless you’re bleeding, choking, or there’s a fire, I don’t need to know about it.”  On the other end of the spectrum there are those want to take the smallest glitch and make it a Federal case—complete with imaginary TV coverage and expert commentary.

Big reactions with big voices and big gesticulations often stem from a lack of information and a whole lot of assuming.  They also seem to happen when people are especially tired, stressed, or under a lot of pressure.  And, what workplace doesn’t experience stress or pressure?  It’s expected that you and your peers will snap at each other once in a while.  Feeling slighted by a comment or a being worried about a missed deadline isn’t that unusual.  Throwing a fit and getting into a spitting match in the middle of the hallway, though, is over-reacting.

There are two important things to remember about over-reacting.  First, the more emotional the response, the more you know that the real issue is probably not the one being discussed.  Secondly, the more emotional someone is the less they’re going to be able to reason with you.  Instead of responding with your own snarky retort take a breath and let the person vent for a minute.  Give them some space and come back to the topic when things aren’t so raw.  Consider a few open-ended questions or calming comments that will help you uncover what the reaction is really about.  For example, say something like, “I can see this is really upsetting.  What’s most bothersome about it for you?  Help me understand this reaction.” If they’re not able to answer in a way that makes sense to you, either keep asking or suggest you talk another time when you’re both better prepared.

If you’re the one who’s about to blow up or cry or stomp out, ask for some time so you can decipher what it is about the issue that is causing you to want to react poorly.  Is it really that the report came in 15 minutes late or that your coworker makes you feel unimportant all too often?  You may have to find some quiet time to work through your emotions or you may find it helpful to ask someone to listen while you rant about the situation until you’ve reached a conclusion regarding the real issue.  Either way, stepping back from an over-reaction (yours or theirs) gives you both the opportunity to return with clearer heads so you have a better chance of putting out the right fire.

#3 Pitting People Against Each Other

Building a cohesive work group is nearly impossible when behaviors that divide and conquer take over.  If your supervisor has a tendency to pit people against each other in what she thinks is merely a friendly competition for more sales or better customer service, she may not know that she’s tearing her team apart.  Dividing coworkers can cause deep divides that are hard to bridge.

Bringing up sensitive issues in a team meeting (like what’s-his-name’s inability to meet deadlines), or ignoring tension, playing favorites, and using sarcasm to make a point are all ways we can stir up issues at work.  Those specific behaviors do nothing for creating a productive workplace and when the victims of such actions clue into what’s happening they can sometimes turn on the culprit—creating a scene that doesn’t often end well.

No one likes to feel small in front of their peers; even if you think it’s the push they need to improve.  If you’re looking for ways to motivate an individual, start by seeing him as an individual.  Private discussions about shortcomings or areas for improvement will help him hear your message while you tailor your comments to his specific situation.  Let’s be honest; public displays that result in winners and losers are only fun for the winners!

And, then there’s gossip.  It’s the ultimate way to divide people and one of the most common behaviors that even the best of us have participated in.  If you do it, it’s time to stop it.  If a coworker comes with a juicy bit of information or you notice he’s good at throwing barbs at others when he has an audience, don’t participate.  Instead, say something like, “I’m not sure how necessary that was,” or “I think I’ll pass on this conversation.”  A good response that works almost every time is, “Oh”; followed by a prolonged period of silence.   That sends a clear message that you have no intention of participating in destructive behaviors that divide, rather than unite, the working relationships around you.

Why concern yourself with changing these behaviors? Consider that friends and allies come from all corners of the workplace.  The individuals affected today may be the very folks sitting on the hiring panel for your next position or, worse yet, the seemingly innocuous coworker who stealthily thwarts your every move as a way to repay you for the hurt you’ve caused.  Plus, there’s power in numbers and a united team is far more powerful than a divided team.

#2 Letting Ego Get in the Way

Do you ever feel like a few doorways in the office need to be widened just to let some of the egos squeeze through?  Well, you’re not alone.  Yammering on about one’s greatness and making decisions based on the façade created for others is an interesting behavior because (it seems to me) that the louder one is about personal importance the more others can see just the opposite in them.

If your manager’s ego is so large it’s blocking out the sun, it’s very likely that he’s insecure, looking for respect, or bringing a whole lot of little red wagon issues from his past into the office.  So, how might you deal with him?  Easy: appeal to his ego!  Remember not to take personally his need for attention or think that any attention going to him is attention not going to you.  Instead, find a way to share in the spotlight he works so hard to garner.   Say things like, “I’d like your opinion on…” and “I think you could really help me with…”  Those are phrases that will perk up his ears because they make him feel good about himself and validate not only his position as your superior but showcase areas in which he really can add value.  Obviously, don’t forget to give him credit for things along the way because if he thinks he can get a little recognition from what you do, he’ll do a lot for you.

If you work with someone who isn’t getting the job done because she doesn’t know what she doesn’t know, find ways to make it okay for her to admit she doesn’t have the answers.  Help her out by demonstrating through your own actions that it’s okay to seek more knowledge on the subject or say something like, “I’m not sure either of us knows the answer on this one, so how could we find out.”  If you believe you know what to do, saying, “What’s worked for me in the past is xyz; what do you think about giving that a try?”  Taking an approach that sends the message you’re all in this together and that you don’t know everything either creates the space for her (and everyone around her) to accept help from others.

Singing your own praises can turn off even your closest ally.  Don’t be afraid to acknowledge the things you don’t know.  In fact, in David Marcum and Steven Smith’s book “Egonomics” they suggest we approach our workday with a mantra akin to “I’m brilliant and I’m not.”  I think that makes perfect sense because it’s not asking you to over- or understate your knowledge and experience; it’s simply suggesting that you apply a little humility to what you know and make it okay to talk about the things you don’t.  If someone asks a question and you don’t know the answer, it’s far better to respond with, “Good question, let me investigate that” than it is to make up something that only upsets people when it turns out not to be the case.

Okay, so now I think I should check my ego at the door because that’s about all I know on the subject.

In an effort to demonstrate how a personality clash or warring ego might exhibit itself, I started a list.  So far I have a dozen behaviors that cause problems in the workplace—that could be attributed to the umbrella “personality clash” explanation.  I thought I’d share each of them with you one at a time so we could discuss and maybe refine the list; adding more when needed.  I’ll tell you now that each of them will be brief and won’t cover deep, psychological reasoning or have solutions based on behavioral science studies because 1) that’s not who I am, and 2) I want you to be able to get the message quickly and start to address an issue if it sounds familiar. Here’s the first from my dirty dozen list.

#1 Micromanaging

Ask 10 people the worst attribute in a coworker and most, if not all, will say micromanaging.

If you think you may be the coworker guilty of watching too closing or giving someone the sense that you’re breathing down their neck, try stepping back for a second so you can reassess your approach.  Instead of stressing over every little detail, set clear expectations regarding due dates and other expectations including the amount and quality of the work you’re looking for.

Nitpicking every little detail can make others feel small, so be sure to watch the level of criticism as compared to how much you praise.  Start by saying something like, “The layout works well and so the next step should be to make the message a little tighter,” or “You did a good job of getting all the data in, now let’s figure out a way to make the bottom line more obvious; what are your thoughts.”  Being hypercritical of every little detail puts you at risk for having a reputation as someone who can’t see the bigger picture.  As someone who has a tendency to micromanage, the bottom line message is: if you’re not directly responsible for the quality of someone else’s work, concentrate on your own backyard.

Now, if you’re on the receiving end of someone else’s micromanagement tendencies, start by seeing things from their perspective and consider the real motivation behind the behavior.  Once you get past flippant responses like, “He does that because he wants me to be miserable,” you’ll begin to have a better understanding of what motivates his hovering approach.

For instance, if your boss makes you feel as if she would be just fine pulling up a chair and sharing a desk with you so she can keep an eye on your every move, she may be concerned with her reputation or care deeply about the final product.  Try steering her in the right direction by considering what she does well and then say, “Where you really add value is with presenting the final data.”  Get her focused on areas that have the potential to help you.  Create check-in points at the beginning of a project.  If she’s not crazy about doing that, ask if she’s willing to give it a shot just this once and if she’s still uneasy, ask what would make her feel comfortable with fewer check-ins.

Finally, ask her to share her overall vision or goal and pledge to make decisions based on that goal.  Let her know that you believe an important part of your job is to make her look good and she may be more trusting.

Be ready to be turned down:  You’re resolving to get things right but that doesn’t mean that the other person is going to want to make nice.  Choose language carefully so you can craft a message that fully expresses your desire for the two of you to discuss what’s happened and your willingness to find a solution that works for both of you.  Saying, “I think we should put this behind us” may be what you’re feeling but the other person could interpret that to mean, “Your feelings are unimportant in this and I’ve made a decision to ignore them.”  Not good.  If you get turned down, be sure to let the other person know that you’re leaving the door open for a conversation when she’s ready.

Be ready to admit your part:  Approaching the other person with an admission of what you could have handled better is a great way to deflate a stand-off and create the space for him to do the same.  He will likely be wary of your intentions so make sure you use “I” statements such as, “I felt hurt about the things that were told to Susan” rather than, “You really messed things up when you told Susan those things.”  Be genuine and leave the excuses (you may call them explanations) for later.  Offer a full apology that includes a commitment that you won’t repeat your actions.

Be open to considering the other person’s perspective:  You likely have a lot of points you’d like to make.  Perhaps you’ve even jotted down a few notes or created a list of items you’d like to talk about.  Hold that thought.  Start any conversation with a sincere invitation for the other person to tell you, from her perspective, what happened and how it impacted her.  When she’s talking, consider what she’s sharing (not just listening for an opening so you can jump in) and let her talk as long as she’d like before you ask questions or explore further.

Be clear about what you’d like to see happen:  So, now what?  If you don’t have a master plan to hold hands and walk off into the sunset, at a minimum you might suggest that the two of you can be cordial or have the capacity to be in the same room without making others uncomfortable.  Do a little thinking beforehand about what “putting it behind you” looks like to you and ask if the other person is willing to hear your description.  You may want to get back to being friends but it’s okay to be open to something less than that until trust is rebuilt.  Remember, you’ve had time to consider the full conversation so let the other person get up to speed and don’t try to rush things.

Johnny Chan of the San Diego digital marketing consultancy firm eBoost Consulting, put together a few tips he thinks companies should remember when they’re out to impress and win business.  I think those tips also make sense for anyone who needs to get his point of view considered in a disagreement, so I’m going to share them with you with my interpretations for how they relate to resolving conflicts.

 
Johnny Chan says:

There are three things you need to do in order to produce an excellent pitch:

1. Craft a compelling message
2. Enhance with compelling      visuals
3. Deliver with impact

I say:

There are three things you need to do in order for someone to consider your perspective:

1. Craft a compelling message
2. Enhance with inviting tone and body language
3. Deliver with sincerity

Johnny Chan says about the message:
Children are great storytellers. They’re not only energetic and enthusiastic about what they’re saying, but they focus everything around the listener.

When you’re making a pitch, tell listener-focused stories that engage and spike the interest of your audience. You do this by crafting your message around your intended listener. Start with your point of view or the “thesis” of your presentation, move to the actions your client can take to achieve their goals and then explain the benefits of these actions.

Be compelling and grab your client’s attention with what you have to say. Sprinkling your presentation with anecdotes or opening with a story that will lead into your pitch is a great way to grasp attention.

I say about the message:

Yep, he’s right when he talks about being listener-focused.  Craft a message that will be easy for your listener to hear.  Only talking about your side of a disagreement or pointing out everything the other person has done wrong, isn’t compelling.  People want to do what’s right—especially for themselves—so if you’re only talking about you, you’ve lost half your audience.

Johnny Chan says about the visuals:
Compelling visuals can make your presentation interesting, engaging and memorable.

The most important visual aspect of your presentation are a killer title and opening slides.

These will set the theme (style, tone, color) to make it a cohesive story. Using beautiful and relative visuals will stimulate the listener’s interest throughout the entire presentation.

Along with photos, data can be effective. Data provides concrete and tangible detail to your presentation, and allows for minimal word usage. Remember that your entire presentation should be no more than 25 words.

I say about the visuals:

The way you talk about your point of view can be more impactful than the content.  Having relaxed and open body language from the start (your opening slide, so to speak) can set the tone for a productive conversation.  Unfold your arms, loosen that stiff upper lip, and keep control over your rolling eyes

Johnny Chan says about the delivery:
Delivering a message with impact relies completely on the presenter, and what that presenter does.  The entire delivery of your presentation should include these five things:

1. Story
2. Humor
3. Analogies
4. References
5. Pictures

I say about the delivery:

How your perspective is received relies heavily on the level of sincerity in which it is delivered.  Recap the situation as you see it without placing blame.  If you’re generally good at humor, it’s okay to use it but be sure you’re the target of the humor, not the other person.  Analogies are my best friends—I use them daily!  If you’re having a difficult time explaining the impact an action had on you, it can be very helpful to use an analogy as a way to create common ground.

Johnny Chan’s extra tips

• Use Guy Kawaski’s 10:20:30 style: 10 slides, 20 minutes, 30 size fonts.
• Always supply the client with a document of the proposal along with the presentation. The effects of your stunning presentation will eventually fade and that is when the document comes into play.
• If you get presentation nerves, practice at least 20 times so that you are completely comfortable and familiar with it.

My extra tips:

• Keep it short, simple, and to the point.
• If you’re nervous, practice what you’d like to say with someone you trust so they can give you pointers if you’re veering off course.
• Once you’ve had the discussion, either create a written agreement right then and there or follow up with a note recapping what you believe the plan is moving forward.

Johnny Chan says anyone can do it:

Chan believes that you don’t have to be a natural-born presenter in order to give engaging, compelling and interesting presentations.

I say:

Oh, absolutely, anyone can do this.

1)  Throwing an occasional compliment your boss’s way or being the first to volunteer on a project she cares about can get you what you want down the road.  If you have
your sights set on leading the next big assignment, your enthusiasm for a less than exciting task now is a good way to talk about your commitment later.

2)  People help people they like.  If you’d like to map out a successful career path, who better to help you get there than your boss?  She most likely has the ear of other managers and execs so it makes sense to have her on your side.  Demonstrating that you’ve got her back today shows her how she can have yours when you need it most.

3)  It’s easier to get work done when you’re able to discuss the pros and cons freely–and you can do that when the boss feels good about you.  If you’re only complaining, she may see your critiques as just another string of negativity and treat you like the boy who called wolf.   If she knows that you approach things with balance and include praise with your criticisms, you may spend less time convincing her to try it your way.

A word of caution, though. The art of sucking up should be about you and others.  If you’re not willing to help others along the way and help your boss achieve her goals, then
your self-serving behavior could backfire.  Absolutely do not ostracize others, step on backs, say only negative things about your peers, or push them out of the way.  That behavior isn’t sucking up; it’s just plain sucky.

SEATTLE (AP) — The manager of the Sears store in downtown Seattle says an elderly man has repaid — with interest — cash the man says he stole in the late 1940s.

KING-TV reports that the man hand-delivered an envelope Monday addressed to “Sears manager.” Inside were a note and a $100 bill.  The note said the man stole $20 to $30 from a cash register decades ago and wanted to pay back $100.

Manager Gary Lorentson says he thinks the man’s conscience “has been bothering him for the past 60 years.”

Store security cameras recorded the man, but Sears officials said they don’t know who he is and they won’t release the video.

The store plans to put the money toward helping needy families in the holiday season.

1. You no longer try to convince others to take your side
2. You don’t make little digs about it to the other person
3. It doesn’t cloud your ability to do the right thing
4. There’s no need for you to add it to the pile when something new arises between the two of you
5. Long periods of time go by without you thinking about it
6. You don’t speak of it
7. You can’t quite seem to pull up the same emotions about it as you could before
8. You can clearly see your role in it
9. Speaking about it bores you
10. You see it for what it was – and nothing more

Shopping during the holidays can be a real nightmare.   Facing parking lots jammed with cars, performing complicated search and rescue efforts to find an available cart, and approaching aisles with your best obstacle course strategies can cause even the most happy-go-lucky holiday shopper to start a conflict with any stranger who dares cross his path.  Delivering an emotionally-charged snarky remark while juggling the sweater you’re buying for Nana doesn’t say much about your ability to spread joy or share in the holiday spirit, now does it.  

I can’t tell you how to manage every potential conflict you’ll face during the holidays, but I can pass on a few tips retail workers have shared with me.  Of course, I’ve added my own two cents worth on the subject and hope there’s something in here that will help you keep your cool this season.

1)      Minimize the material and maximize the experience:  What I mean by that is limit the amount of “stuff” you buy and, instead, think about experiences you can share with your family and friends.  Throwing a potluck or hosting a game night will deliver a much better experience than being angry with those around you as you wait in line after line after line spending money you don’t have. 

2)      Shop on-line:  Avoid the lines (and the other crabby people!) by hitting up your favorite stores’ websites.  Check out promotion sites to find deals on price discounts, free shipping, and the like.  Words of caution, though; make sure you’re carving out uninterrupted computer time so you steer clear of fighting with the family when they “just won’t leave you alone.”  Also, practice scanning Internet deals quickly to avoid getting to the checkout page only to discover the discount you’re counting on doesn’t apply to the items in your shopping cart.

3)      Use parking lots as personal training sessions:  Why get worked up when you can work out? Use the back entrance to the lot and take the first spot you see.  Walk the extra distance to the front door with a smile on your face and daydream about what you’ll do with all the extra time you’ve given yourself by not circling the same aisles over and over.  Unless you need to build your demolition derby skills, let the other shoppers honk their horns and yell obscenities. 

4)      Shop the little guy:  I called a warehouse store to ask if they had any tips on avoiding shopper conflicts and the person who answered the phone said, “Don’t shop here.”  Good point.  If crowds, long lines, and oversized carts bumping into the back of your heels make you mad, shop at smaller stores that offer fewer items to fewer customers.

5)      Plan to be patient:  No matter what anyone else does, have control over your own emotions and reactions.  Prepare yourself to take a “we’re in this together” attitude whenever possible.  If the cashier is rude, empathetically ask if she’s having a rough day.  She’ll probably appreciate your interest and lighten up for the next guy.  Smile at everyone even if—and especially when—they don’t return the gesture.

My local grocery store manager said that for the most part, holiday shoppers and retail employees are a cheerful bunch.  His staff actually notices that most of their patrons display quite a bit of holiday spirit even when they’re stressed and tired.  He said that the happiest customers are the ones who have paid attention to the ads (which are timed to coincide with shopper habits) and are completing their lists with time to spare.   He hinted that the best time to grocery shop is before 11:00 a.m. when most of the staff is in, the departments are fully stocked, and there are fewer customers to contend with.  He also said that a shopper shouldn’t wait until late afternoon the day before an event to rush around the store and then get angry with a cashier who’s helping another customer count out change.  I don’t know about you, but I think that’s a pretty good piece of advice for any time of the year.

When did we get so weird about weddings and all their trappings?  Big, blowout bachelorette parties that involve cross country plane tickets, hotels, limos, embroidered sweat pants, umbrella drinks, and financial responsibility for anything the bride orders seem to be the norm.  Whatever happened to a night out with the girls and a few naughty gifts?   Invitations to multiple showers; some themed, some coed, and some out of the area have even the most experienced etiquette masters confused about the rules.  How does one respond to a bridezilla’s supervac sucking up more cash and time than one is willing to invest?  How does one deal with the family members, bridesmaids, and others who get in on the act by switching on their own sucking machines?  Perhaps a few changes on the modern bride’s etiquette website are in order.

I wonder if it would be helpful if a two-part form was submitted with every bridesmaid request so that everyone would know what they were getting into.  On the form could be a few boxes to check like, “I believe I am the center of the universe”, “Only my wedding matters right now,” or “Get ready to spend some cash because I’m in competition with the last friend who got married and everything surrounding my wedding needs to be bigger, better, and more expensive.”  Then, there could be a response form on which a potential bridesmaid could check, “Seriously, I love you but I need to make rent”, or “This will be my third wedding this year and I’m exhausted.” 

Maybe a more realistic approach is in order.   I would suggest the bride and groom make some decisions about financial responsibilities before they ask their friends to participate.  Will they purchase their own dress, tux, shoes, special jewelry, etc.?  What are your expectations for hair and makeup?  What about lodging for the event?  Etc., etc., etc.  Are you asking a friend who is just starting out in her career to pay thousands of dollars to support you on your big day?  Give her a reality check before asking her to write a check.  While you’re at it, don’t forget to think about time considerations.  Asking a friend with small children to spend multiple weekends away from home on your behalf may come across as selfish.

Feel free to keep others under control.  Sometimes it’s not necessarily the bride who goes a little nuts.  A friend of mine recently experienced another bridesmaid wanting to throw an over the top shower for a bride whose family had already hosted one.  I suppose that’s fine, but after her big announcement she then sent each of the bridesmaids a bill for their share of the cost.  When my friend put on her big girl panties and politely told the organizer that she had budgeted only enough time and money for one shower and would not be participating in the second event, the crickets were deafening.

Be sure to keep your flexibility while keeping your eye on the bigger picture.  It’s really fun to get inspiration from all the great bride magazines and wedding websites on the Internet.  It’s also very tempting to add a little of this and a little of that or change your mind about previous decisions.  It’s your day after all!  But keep in mind the impact these little decisions have on others.  Schedule changes, additional work parties to tie ribbons on new place setting markers, or spending just a few more dollars on these pair of shoes instead of those pair of shoes add up.  Keep your friends your friends by considering their needs.  It’ll give you good practice for the marriage to come!

You’ve probably had your share of disruptive and sloppy neighbors who you’d just as soon send to the moon than have to live next door to.  But, without a direct flight to outer space it may feel that you’re left with either ignoring them or living with conflict.  Rest assured, you have more than those two options at your disposal. 

First, attack the problem, not the person.  If his music is shaking the wine glasses from the cabinet, the problem is the music is too loud; not that the neighbor is an imbecile only a mother could love.  When you bring up the subject stick to the issue and refrain from making personal comments.

Keep the matter between the two of you.  Trying to build an army of other neighbors as a way to show force or to get someone else to speak on your behalf may result in your neighbor feeling attacked.  It doesn’t matter if one or a hundred neighbors are sick of his junky yard, speak for you and only you.   You can always include others (like Code enforcers) if repeated attempts don’t resolve the problem.  Oh, and if your kids get along with his, don’t take the adult issues out on them by no longer allowing play dates.

Say it, don’t display it.  A neighbor once told me that someone was repeatedly moving his trash cans into the middle of his driveway two days after the trash was picked up.  He was clueless that the act was a way for the anonymous neighbor to display his frustration with an untidy street.  I knew who was behind the act so I felt comfortable suggesting that it may be due to his trash bins being left at the curb for days.  He responded, “No, I don’t think that’s it.”  Oh, my.  It would have been so much more effective had the trash-can-moving neighbor simply talked to the untidy neighbor.

Remain cordial.  If you’re frustrated with Joe down the street because your conversation didn’t go as planned, continue to wave, smile, and say hello when you see him at the grocery store.  This will keep the door open for future conversations.

Know that your annoyance may be the least of his problems.  The neighbor’s work truck dripping oil in front of the community mailbox may be an important issue for you but don’t be surprised when it’s not the biggest problem he’s facing.  If he tells you he’s dealing with health issues or his marriage is falling apart, etc., figure out a way to resolve the smaller issue without too much trouble on his part.  Showing a little compassion now can go a long way toward building equity for future issues.

I could go on and on with ideas on how to deal with neighbors but I’m going to stop myself here and move to a few actions you can take so you’re not the naughty neighbor others are trying to figure out how to contend with.  Make sure you:

Keep your home, yard, and sidewalk free of debris and unfinished projects.  Sometimes we get so used to looking at something we can’t see it with fresh eyes.  Your neighbors have fresh eyes, so keep things neat and clean.

Minimize noise.  Keep your pets happy and your music down low.  Ask around to make sure no one’s bothered by the early morning lawn mowing or evening ball games with the kids in the cul-de-sac. 

Follow the rules.    The neighborhood covenants are for everyone, not just for your neighbors.  It’s difficult to ask someone to follow rule #3 when you’re disregarding rule #4.  And, don’t forget that the local laws regarding fireworks, parking, pets, outdoor fires, and maintenance apply to you as well. 

And, for all ya’ll (as my Southern friends would say), forgive the occasional exception to the rule.  Give each other fair warning about the annual Christmas party or a garage sale that may cause extra traffic and parking issues for the weekend.  They say good fences make good neighbors, but I think flexible ones are better.

Disappointing relationships often cause good people to do really dreadful things.  And, punishing the wrong person for your disappointment is definitely a dreadful thing.  I see loads of mediation clients who insist on using their children as sticks and carrots when it comes to dealing with their exes.   Problem is, they don’t see that in their attempts to reward and punish the person who hurt them greatly they are greatly hurting their children.  Revenge is not so sweet when it sours your relationship with the kids.  It’s even worse when you think your actions are okay.

Many of my mediation cohorts and I have come to the conclusion that children deserve two parents no matter how stinky you think the other one is.  I’m not a therapist but I’m pretty sure that your kids won’t grow up to thank you for all the times you cancelled a visit as punishment for their other parentwho was 10 minutes late to the meeting spot. Your little ones won’t always be little and when they’re grown they most likely won’t appreciate you for using them as pawns in a poorly-played game of I’m-so-mad-at-you-I-could-spit chess.

Trying to be the mature player in a game like that is really hard, but it’s worth it.  Actions do speak louder than words and demonstrating maturity to your children can be more impactful than pulling out the dictionary to read the definition.  Demonstrating communication, forgiveness, and hope is powerful. 

At the end of the day, what feels fair to you may not be fair for your children.  Of course you want to save your little ones from disappointment and the reality that parents don’t always keep their word.  So, I understand wanting to “take away” something from your ex so that (s)he gets the message that it’s not okay for them to do that to little schmoopie.  Sometimes the conflict that comes your way can be a great teaching tool, though.  Showing children how to compromise, how to discover what’s most important to them, and how to keep their integrity even when others don’t keep theirs are pretty good life lessons–certainly better than lessons like displaced anger, sabotage, and revenge.

I didn’t feel the need to consult anyone about my choice today but the mental process I went through to heat up the good stuff made me wonder why the decision to buck the norm took so much time and seemed, well, a little radical.  I remembered a recent item from the Internet that covered the idea of choices and how our preferences are often influenced by the preferences of others.  We have a multi-cultural society and yet when it comes to what to have for breakfast we often limit ourselves to choices like eggs, cereal, and pastries.  Most people would call that standard breakfast fare.

And, speaking of standard, many of my mediation clients ask me what’s standard or want me to tell them what most people do when faced with choices like the ones they’re about to make.  What’s standard has become an artificial choice for many.  When couples are building parenting plans the standard protocol seems to be that Mom becomes residential parent, the kids see Dad every other weekend and on Wednesday evenings, and then the two adults cannibalize holidays making the kids go back and forth for meals, events, and gifts.   Turns out, this standard arrangement doesn’t really work for a lot of families.

My clients may not know in the beginning that standard isn’t going to work for them, so I suppose it’s as good a place as any to start.  What would be nice, though, is after they’ve tried standard on for a while they could admit to one another that standard doesn’t fit the bill and maturely go back to the drawing board to create something that fits them like a glove.  I’m not sure how to make that way of approaching agreements a standard approach, though.  I’m just having one of my standard early-morning, single-participant brainstorming sessions.  I’ll have to noodle on that for a while.

In my opinion it’s too easy to listen—or at least claim you’re listening.  All you have to do is sit there.  You can think about your last vacation, try to remember the 5^th item on your grocery list, or clutter up your mind with any number of ponderings—all under the guise of listening.  Sometimes the only real effort listening takes is staying in one’s seat and not leaving the room.

Rather than requiring my clients to listen, I’m going to ask each of them to consider what the other has to say.  I believe there’s more than a subtle difference between the two.  I looked to Webster’s to see what the dictionary had to say and though there are a number of definitions for the words that are quite similar, I found these two meanings particularly interesting.

Listen:  to pay attention

Consider:  to look at thoughtfully

Considering allows one to move from idle listener to engaged co-participant.  Listening doesn’t demand much but considering requires a lot.   To consider fully one must mull it over, play “what if”, ask mindful questions, create clarity, and develop ideas that start with the initial proposal but end up somewhere else.  It’s hard to do that if you’re just listening.

A few months ago I had lunch with a good friend who discussed some of the challenges she faces working with volunteers.  After much discussion we came to the conclusion that all workers–paid or volunteer–are motivated by such things as recognition, reputation, and teamwork, but volunteers often place more importance on their unique motivating factors than paid employees do.  If a paid employee isn’t getting the recognition he believes he deserves, he may say, “Well, at least I’m laughing all the way to the bank.”  That fallback position isn’t true for a volunteer and thus his need for getting his values met amplifies, which can cause unwanted conflicts in the group.

Take a look at how to spot and work with common volunteer personalities:

The Fine Upstanding Citizen: Interested in building or keeping a solid reputation he may volunteer for too much because he wants to be seen as someone who can be counted on or he may want to focus on just a few things because he would rather do one thing well than a lot of tasks half-way.   If you need him to do more, or less, appeal to his desire to keep his name in good-standing when making your request.  And, recognizing his contributions with a simple plaque or mention in the newsletter will almost always motivate him to keep up the good work. 

Mr. Fix-It:  New volunteers who want to swoop in and fix everything they perceive is wrong with the current program make the old guard uneasy and run the risk of alienating the very people they need to help them make changes.  There’s nothing wrong with ideas that have the potential to yield higher returns, but there’s a method to helping others hear what one has to say.  If you have an over-enthusiastic recruit spewing ideas left and right, suggest that his ideas be shared by first addressing the group and stating what is working, sharing what the proposed change would yield for both the organization and the other volunteers, and stating how much of the work he’s willing to take on himself.  His ideas will be received better if he speaks to specific changes rather than suggesting everything is wrong.

Keeper of the Flame:  Often known as the traditionalist or old guard, a Keeper may say, “It doesn’t matter whywe do it that way; what matters is that we’ve alwaysdone it that way.”  She may be resistant to change because she values tradition and the status quo (and probably boundaries, too).  Perhaps she feels she and others have put in a lot of work to hone a well-oiled machine and consequently will take any suggestion for change as a personal affront.  Let her know her service and opinions are still appreciated and speak to what her role would be with any changes.  Often breaking down proposals into more palatable steps is easier for a Keeper to accept, so suggest a few changes and get her opinion about where you might start.

Social Butterfly:  Most organizations have folks who are less concerned about program efficiency than they are making sure everyone has a fun experience.  However, meeting timelines or financial goals and building friendships don’t have to be mutually exclusive. You may be better served by utilizing her skills on activities that don’t require timely reports or consistent attendance.  Give her permission to bow out of a task and, of course, be okay with having the occasional good time Charlie in the group because, let’s face it, they’re often the ones we appreciate most when it’s time to host the party and build enthusiasm for an event.  Whoopee!

The Dues Payer:  Often the most pragmatic of volunteers what you see is what you get.  Many organizations require parents or members to make a volunteer commitment as part of the membership or tuition, so it should come as no surprise when you’re working with volunteers who are there because they have to be. For these folks you may be better served to find out what it is they would like to do and let them do it rather than assigning a task they have no interest in.  Let go of the expectation that everyone shares the same level of enthusiasm for the organization that you do.  Have these volunteers do what they do best, thank them for their efforts, and wish them well when they move on.

Resume Builder:  Similar to the Dues Payer, the Resume Builder volunteers for no-nonsense reasons.  Charitable organizations are a great way for the stay-at-home parent or displaced worker to build or expand his resume. A great way to motivate a Resume Builder is to help him create experiences that meet his goals while benefiting the organization.  For example, if the volunteer is interested in leadership opportunities, help him develop his skills with group tasks or specific fundraising assignments. 

My friend and I also came to the conclusion that it’s rare to find a volunteer with just one volunteer personality or motivating factor. You may encounter a Fine Upstanding Citizen who is fulfilling her child’s tuition requirement while simultaneously building her resume or a Mr. Fix-It hoping to be the next Keeper of the Flame.  This may require more investigating on your part, but working to discover what makes a volunteer tick and then managing her accordingly will keep her motivated and minimize conflicts.

https://www.facebook.com/#!/event.php?eid=269777989715380

A PROCLAMATION OF THE CITY OF KIRKLAND

Proclaiming August 28 as “Be Kind to Everyone” Day
in Kirkland, Washington

WHEREAS, kindness is commonly defined as a state of being or benevolent deed, and is synonymous with the words: compassion, thoughtfulness, gentleness, and sympathy; and

WHEREAS, anyone who experiences giving or receiving kindness or observes an act of kindness, innately knows the benefits of kindness and is motivated to be kind to others; and

WHEREAS, kindness guided the life of Sasia Regan-Hughes, a Kirkland resident and Lake Washington High School graduate, who showed thoughtful consideration of others, epitomized loving kindness, and looked for the goodness in everyone; and

WHEREAS, Sasia Regan-Hughes lived by her favorite “Words of the Day” – duende which is the power to attract through personal magnetism and charm; and ahimsa, an important tenet of the Hindu and Buddhist doctrine, which means kindness, and to refrain from harm of all living things ; and

WHEREAS, Sasia Regan-Hughes was born on August 28, 1985 and passed away unexpectedly on June 17, 2011 and her family wishes to carry forward her desire that people express kindness toward one another;

NOW, THEREFORE, I, Joan McBride, Mayor of Kirkland, do hereby proclaim, in perpetuity, August 28 as “Be Kind to Everyone” Day in Kirkland, Washington and invite the community to be kind to others through words, actions, deeds, and thoughts; not just on this day, but every day.

Signed this 28th day of August, 2011

______________________ Joan McBride, Mayor

For the past few years I’ve gotten the cold shoulder from someone who has the skills to address disagreements with me but has chosen not to.  Every once in a while I would run into him and be reminded that he’s very angry about something and it would dredge up the fact that even as a mediator there are some things in my personal life I’m just not interested in “fixing.”  Sometimes I would see him and think, “What a jerk,” and sometimes I would feel guilty about not being the bigger person and working to make things right between us.  There was a time when I thought highly of him and truly enjoyed his company.  I considered him a friend.

After our falling-out I gave him the space to speak about it when the time was right for him and didn’t try to rush a conversation.  The weeks turned into months and the months turned into years.  Crickets.  A few weeks ago I attended an event and saw him from across the room.  The usual contradictory thoughts of his character ran through my mind and I decided I was no longer willing to have this situation hanging over my head.  I, too, have skills and it was high time I used them.  So, I approached him.

I found a moment in which no one else was around and sat next to him.  I said I missed him, that I had tried to ignore the good things about him in order to stay away, and then stated that when he was ready, I was willing to talk.  I had no expectation that my approach would make him melt.  And, I was right.  I was vulnerable and as he sat in stony silence, I felt he was taking advantage of that vulnerability to try to make me feel small.   It took a lot of self-talk not to go to the “what a jerk” place in mind.  He finally said he would need more time to which I reiterated that whenever he was ready the door was open and then I walked away.

And, then I saw a flash in the room.  Not a real flash from the overhead fluorescent lights, but the kind of lightening strike that comes when you have a life-changing realization.  I had closure.  I realized that it didn’t really matter to me if we ever talked.  For a second that thought felt very wrong because it didn’t fit my perceived notion of closure.  And, yet, I felt closure stronger than I’d ever felt it before.  I was good, I had clarity, and I considered it “over” for me.

My hope for you, reader, is that you have a similar experience.  Is there a negative situation hanging around you that could find closure without the other person?  Maybe putting your thoughts down in a letter, extending as much of an olive branch as you’re willing, or simply breaking the ice with a quick email wishing them well might help you get there.  It doesn’t have to be a big production.  You don’t have to get the House and the Senate to agree, you just have to open a door and let the fresh air into your own house.

When I mediate I follow a pretty universal process that was developed a long time ago by folks unknown to me.  I appreciate the trial and error it must have taken to get to a point where they felt pretty good about stamping the structure as an effective way to resolve disputes.  These designers had the forethought to leave any nuances to the process to individual mediators which has allowed me to add a few negotiation requirements of my own.  I found one a while ago that can significantly change the direction of any conversation—not just a mediated one.  Namely, say the name.

Real conversations give you the best opportunity for resolution and if things don’t work out at least you know you were real and said what you needed to say as clearly as possible.  Real names help make for real conversations.  “Somebody” isn’t going to have to apologize…you need Dave to say he’s sorry.  “Someone” should know better… actually, that would be Stephanie.  “Some people get their feelings hurt when someone acts like that!”  Would that be everyone in the universe or are you referring to yourself?

Not being willing to say you hurt me or when you do that I get angry only makes a situation worse and makes for some pretty convoluted conversations.   Clearly stating that you believe Joe is the culprit, that you shouldn’t have reacted that way, or that you’re quoting Susan lets a conversation move from two people talking around a problem to two people addressing a problem.

When you talk over someone, serve up cutting remarks with dramatic flair, and try to out shout the other person, do you win?  If you’re really so interested in “winning,” why then behave in a way that doesn’t get you any closer to what you really want?  It might be better to think a little more strategically about when to zip it than to spend time thinking about the next zinger to dish out.   Trust me when I tell you that practicing the art of silence at just the right time could benefit you.  Here are a few good places to start.  

When the other person is very emotional he’s not going to hear what you’re saying, so why not listen.  Any time someone is crying, screaming, turning red, or having difficulty breathing and talking at the same, just be quiet.  Let him get through what it is he’s trying to say and listen for clues to what’s really bothering him.  He may not even know what the real issue is and allowing him the space to sort through the emotion will help him get there faster.  Plus, when emotion is high, reasoning is low.

When the other person is repeating herself she’s trying to tell you something.  As a mediator who is witness to a lot of arguments, I know that this is the easiest clue to overlook but, quite honestly, it’s also the easiest clue to recognize if you’re willing to pay attention.  If you’re talking, you may not hear how many times she’s said the same thing or you may become unnecessarily irritated at the repetition.  Ask more questions about the thing she’s repeating when it’s your turn to talk.

When you truly need to consider what another person is saying, start the work early on.  If you’re supposed to be coming up with ideas to resolve a specific situation, doing all the talking means you’re missing out on 50% of the ideas.  Of course you’re not going to agree with everything he says, but what’s the harm in letting him know you’re considering his proposals.  You never know what’s going to spark your next big idea so why not let the other person provide a little inspiration.  Besides, coming in with only one idea and a fixed position is boring!

As arguments go, there’s a lot of stuff flying back and forth.  Some of it is helpful and some of it is, well, destructive.  If neither of you are willing to practice the art of silence, you won’t get to the important stuff.  If it feels better to ask for an agreement that both of you will have uninterrupted time in which to share your perspective, then ask for that.  It’s a pretty common practice in mediations because it works.  Allowing someone to get it out—all of it out—is a strategic move.  It’s not weak to listen; it’s smart.

Now, for a little warning.  There’s a big difference between practicing the art of silence and being a jerk.  While you listen, throw in a few nods, the occasional “uh huh”, and keep good eye contact.  That’s the art of silence.  If you listen with your arms crossed, refuse to make eye contact, or use dagger eyes to stare down the other person, that’s practicing the art of war.  Big difference.

Over the weekend my friend told me about an entry found in one of Sasia’s journals.   In it she proclaimed that she was going to change her life by being nice to everyone.  What a concept—I should do that!  When I saw my friend today I told him that I had been thinking about “the being nice thing” but that I was struggling with something.  I explained that I have no problem being nice to complete strangers; in fact it’s quite natural for me to smile and strike up a conversation even with uber crabby people.  I’m also pretty good at being nice to family, friends, and individuals I like.  Where I falter is in knowing how to be nice to people who have done something awful or who constantly show their bad side.  Being nice to those people doesn’t feel like “nice” to me; it feels like disingenuous fakery.  Being nice to someone who steals, cheats, lies, and has no remorse for her actions (yes, I do know a few people like that) makes my skin crawl.  How would the victims of those behaviors feel about me being “nice” to their perpetrator?  Wow, I guess I don’t really know how to be nice after all.  I asked my friend if he knew how Sasia handled that dilemma.

Turns out that in her wisdom she accounted for such situations.  According to her dad’s interpretation of Sasia’s-Being-Nice-Rules, one begins by understanding how a person would come to exhibit such behaviors.  That’s good because that approach makes sense to me.  Through my own soul-searching I’ve come to learn that fractured people do hurtful things and even though I believe every action is a choice, sometimes the need to strike out is bigger than the little voice that says not to. 

Then what? The second Rule includes a refusal to strike back or play any nasty games because of the empathy you have for the other person.  Yes, I can and will do that.  And, then, finally, it’s okay to let go of toxic relationships after you’ve applied enough of Rules No. 1 and 2.  What a great set of rules.

So, once again, I’ve been touched by this family.  Without knowing it Sasia reminded me that being nice is a good thing and that we all have the capacity to make the decision to do it.  It should come as no surprise to any of us that a young woman with such a message was found to have a heart twice the size it should have been for her age and physical structure.  No surprise at all.

Rambling.  Going in to have an important conversation about your paycheck should be approached with great care and forethought—not with the attitude that you’ll just wing it once you close the door.  Instead, decide what you’ll say, the order in which you’ll say it, and be succinct.  Bring a few notes, the documentation you’ll need to support any claims you’ll be making, and keep to an agenda.

Making threats.  Blurting out that you’ll walk if you don’t get what you want often comes across as an empty threat and makes you look silly especially if both you and your boss know you’re not going anywhere.   Similarly, trying any sort of blackmail tactic (like saying you’ll let his manager know what an idiot he is) is a great way not only to avoid a raise but to get booted as soon as your boss has the chance.  If you feel you need to provide an ultimatum, present it respectfully and be prepared to follow through.

Talking about personal problems.  Blubbering about collection agencies or the fact that your wife just took the dog, the flat screen TV, and moved out of the country won’t win you any points.  It’s not your manager’s responsibility to put your life back in order.  Use outside resources to fix what’s outside work.  If your work performance merits a raise, your personal finances are irrelevant. 

Asking too early.  If you’re still carrying the new kid on the block moniker, asking for an increase could send the wrong message—and delay any raise that your boss may have been considering for you when the time was right.  Get your feet wet, have accomplishments you can point to, and let your boss know you’re in it for the long-run.  Raises are often based on past performance and future potential.  Make sure you’re covering both.

Assuming that time equals money.  Believing you should get a raise because your warm body made it into work for an extended period of time may not cut it.  Talk about how your experience was applied.  What did you do that someone with less experience may not have been able to accomplish?  Simply saying you’ve “been here longer” may cause your manager to glaze over.

Only talking about what benefits you.  Forgetting to mention what you’re willing to do for your boss, her manager, or the company in general could be a mistake.  How will you grow the business?  What’s the next big idea you’ll tackle?  Asking for a pay increase is a strategic negotiation and only thinking about one side isn’t strategic at all.

Failing to perform.  Some employees think that if they suck up a little during the few weeks prior to a review, the boss will forget or overlook the fact that they’ve made mistakes, presented sloppy work, badmouthed others, had attendance issues, and generally did as little as they could to get by.  Not so.  Your plan for a raise at the next review period should begin as soon as you finish the last one.  Map out what you’ll do and work the plan, keeping track of your achievements along the way.